Rollecoaster ride...

As a younger girl, before we started trying, I had often dreamt and fantasized about my pregnancy. It would be this perfect thing, totally uncomplicated (I had no idea what kind of complications there were anyway) and my husband was this devoted, loving, totally supportive "don't-move-a-muscle-honey" kind of guy, who would look at me and my growing belly adoringly and come with me to Lamazze classes and ultrasounds and to baby stores, helping me pick out the crib and stuff. And of course we would have enough money to buy the very, absolute, best!!
Of course reality has proven to be totally different than my fantasy ;)
Well my husband is very loving, caring and adoring but he won't go anywhere near Mothercare. Nor will he tell me to stay put in the couch if there is something he needs and I can get for him ;)And of course we do not have the money to spend on the most expensive baby stuff. In fact we don't have any money for baby stuff and if it wasn't for friends and caring family my babies would sleep in laundry baskets!!
But what really throws me in for a loop is this emotional rollercoaster I can't control.One moment I am ecstatic and optimistic, the next I am down at the very bottom of the pit of despair...
Plus lately I have been having dreams that disturb me.My babies never get born and if they do, they turn into animals or I loose them and can't find them, or I forget to feed them or something and I wake up in a state of panic.
The physical side of this pregnancy is also starting to get me down. I am turning into this big, immobile person, contantly in pain to the point I had a couple of thoughts that this will be my last pregnancy. The possibility of this condition I have, to become permanent, restraining me for the rest of my life while having surgery after surgery to correct the problem is scary to say the least.Yet the love I have for those little creatures inside of me is so big and so vast, I don't think it can fit inside of me anymore which is certainly the reason why I am expanding.
But really, my emotions are a rollercoaster. One minute I am as excited as a school girl on her first date and the next I am terrified of the change these babies will bring in my life.I am terrified of something happening to them. I have said it a million times already. I am terrified of things with scary names like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-E, PROM... I don't want my babies to be born early!! I want my babies to be born big and healthy at 38 weeks... and I want to be physically able to take care of them!!I don't want to argue with my mother in law and fight for my right to be the sole (with hubby) caregiver for my babies and the one who makes the decisions on how the babies are raised and how I handle them...
I want to keep them safe and sound and happy and healthy and I want to raise them to be good people.And at times I am sure I will but then again there are times I am mortified!!This pregnancy is turning out to be an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride...
And like any rollercoaster ride it might scare the heck out you or make you sick but you smile afterwards and maybe, a few years later, when you have forgotten how you threw up in front of a crowd or you were scared to death and all you remember is the exhilaration of the ride... then you might as well ride the rollercoaster again.