Some new updates on the boys:
Cody started having a mild fever last Monday but no other cold/virus symptoms so I attributed it to the fact he is cutting 6 (!!!) teeth at once. He is now 18 months old and he only has 8 teeth (4 upper, 4 lower). So he is cutting his canines on both sides, and 4 molars LSo he was a bit warm but acting and eating normally on Monday… but Tuesday at dawn he was burning up with a 104 temp so I realized my kid is sick… I gave him some paracetamol and his fever went right down. In the morning he was grumpy and needed constant holding… with a very heavy heart and his cries echoing in my ears I left him with his nanny as I simply could not miss work… again.
I came home early and held him the rest of the day… he had a rough night so I was up with him for most of it. The high fevers continued for days but he still showed no signs of a cold. Having had a bad (and totally unnecessary) hospital stay with John 6 weeks earlier, I was very hesitant to take Cody in. The paracetamol was very successful at keeping the fever down and when he was fever-less he was almost his normal self.
Still the nights were rough and I “exiled” George to the couch while I had Cody sleep in our bed so I could keep an eye on his fever. On Friday, the fever was barely broken so I took him to see his regular ped. He couldn’t find anything wrong other than a sore throat… the next morning Cody had a bad rash all over his body even between hi s toes… and then I knew what it was. Roseola!
John had it 6 weeks ago but apparently Cody (who has a normal immune system as opposed to his brother who is immune-compromised) did not really “get it” until he had a cold two weeks ago. His immune system went down and then the Roseola appeared. It is a harmless disease really…
Today is day 2 of the rash and he seems ok for the most part but he is VERY irritable and he always was the tantrum machine of the house, so imagine how he is acting now. The slightest “no” sends him spinning and his tantrum escalates before you can say “lime”. Cody also has the habit of hurting himself when he is frustrated by banging his head hard on the floor or wall (or wherever) so we have tried to keep him satisfied. My poor, poor angel L
In addition, as a reaction to the virus, his eye (which has a problem since he was born) is now swollen almost completely shut and is oozing puss L This happens every time Cody gets sick and we are treating it with eye drops. He looks terrible… but he feels great otherwise.I had to go buy shoes for him yesterday as all of a sudden his sneakers are too small for him. So I took him with me, as he has big feet and not only I need the size to be right for him but the form of the shoe as well. I got some pretty weird looks with my spotty, swollen eyed kid at the baby store. At Mothercare the sales lady asked what was wrong and I got to explain but at the shoe store nobody asked. God knows what they thought!!
In other news, George and I were very surprised that both the boys had a growth spurt this week. Cody now wears a size EU24 shoe which I think is a toddlers 7 ½ (John EU22). They both had gotten taller but Cody more than John so their size difference is pretty evident now.
Cody is 35.4” tall and weighs 28.6 lbs. John is an inch and a half shorter and weighs 24lbs. I know the difference doesn’t seem like much when you put it in numbers, but John has a different body type than Cody. He has very long limbs and fingers and is generally “delicate” featured where Cody has a long trunk and shorter legs (typical of his age whereas John kept his “post-mature worm-like” appearance he had at birth due to his placenta/growth problems). Cody also has a very, very full head of hair which adds to him “older child” appearance. John of course had a full head of hair too (except the front hairline) but his hair is shorter because it hasn’t grown yet so he looks more baby-ish. Yup! He is my baby and Cody is my big kid J lol
I was told the other day that John is too cute/ beautiful/dainty to be a boy. Both of them have extremely long doll-like eyelashes… they are just too cute lol
John has grown more attached to me, actually asking for me and preferring me and that makes me very happy as I felt rejected by his independent “I-can-do-it-myself” attitude. He now hugs me and kisses me and bit me the other day and drew blood. Ouch!I am so grateful for my angels!!
However Cody’s tantrum problems need to be addressed. All toddlers throw tantrums but Cody goes from zero to a meltdown in seconds. He is either spoiled or there is something wrong. He seems overly attached to me. He has a meltdown when I go and he is totally attached even missing play when I am home in fear he will loose me. I hope it’s a phase.. I will ask his ped in a few days when Cody recovers and we go in for his immunizations.
Mostly I want to address the self-hurt thing. I know his head must hurt from all the banging he does when he throws a tantrum and George is loosing patience with him saying he is just stubborn and spoiled (gee I wonder where he got that gene from … hmmm who else do I know who acts exactly like this in the more “adult” kind of way? Hmmm let me think….)
So, ok this was mostly a Cody update since things were wrong with him this week. I haven’t worked too much and my show in the UK is coming up in June FAST. I need to get organized but its SO hard. I really hope for a good, productive week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Here we go... again
Its been a while since I wrote something but thats because I have been crazy busy and other than your regular day to day troubles, things had been pretty good for a while...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"
And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.
If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).
He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.
Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.
And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.
And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?
I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.
Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?
Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"
And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.
If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).
He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.
Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.
And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.
And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?
I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.
Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?
Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...
Friday, December 22, 2006
Ladies and gentlemen...
I really wish I could write something happy for a change... I wish I was not the whining person I come across as being... but when I write about how awful everything is here, I get it out of my system and I can go on with my day...
Its almost Christmas and things are not going well for me... for us.
We are flat broke because I wasn't paid... :( In fact I haven't had any contact with my employer in 3 weeks. They ignore my e-mails... so we haven't bought anything for the kids (but its ok, they are only 13 months old so they don't understand and they will get plenty from their grandparents)... I haven't decorated the tree because I can't find half the decorations and the tree's base screws... I did put up some lights in the kid's room and outside though.
My husband has been more volatile than ever with me not getting paid. He is extremely annoyed at me. Today we went grocery shopping and God, he yelled at me the whole way in and out. He knows its not my fault... heck I even begged for my payment... but he is very stressed out and he needs to vent... and I make a great punching bag.
I also quit the forum I frequented last night. I had a real eye opener experience and well, its not for me. Its not that I am not welcome but the amount of people I pissed off by my whining is large... and you know, they are right. I have nothing constructive to offer. I am this constant whining idiot and nobody needs that.
Its ok... I don't really have the time for forums... heck I don't have time for this journal. My son is awake.
Ciao
Its almost Christmas and things are not going well for me... for us.
We are flat broke because I wasn't paid... :( In fact I haven't had any contact with my employer in 3 weeks. They ignore my e-mails... so we haven't bought anything for the kids (but its ok, they are only 13 months old so they don't understand and they will get plenty from their grandparents)... I haven't decorated the tree because I can't find half the decorations and the tree's base screws... I did put up some lights in the kid's room and outside though.
My husband has been more volatile than ever with me not getting paid. He is extremely annoyed at me. Today we went grocery shopping and God, he yelled at me the whole way in and out. He knows its not my fault... heck I even begged for my payment... but he is very stressed out and he needs to vent... and I make a great punching bag.
I also quit the forum I frequented last night. I had a real eye opener experience and well, its not for me. Its not that I am not welcome but the amount of people I pissed off by my whining is large... and you know, they are right. I have nothing constructive to offer. I am this constant whining idiot and nobody needs that.
Its ok... I don't really have the time for forums... heck I don't have time for this journal. My son is awake.
Ciao
Monday, August 22, 2005
10 Things 9 Months Plus Will Never Tell You
Top 10 Things They Won't Tell You About Pregnancy & MotherhoodBy Yours Truly
1. Your belly is NOT the only thing that will grow huge during pregnancy
2. You will get a ton of cellulite
3. You will burp and fart like nothing else
4. Pregnancy is also painful
5. All the lotion in the world won't save you the stretch marks if you are genetically predisposed
6. It will get worse before it gets better
7. As much as you love your little one, sometimes you will wish it came with a muffler
8. There's a good reason men don't have babies
9. You won't necessarily glow and pregnancy might not be the best time in your life
10. The mommy in the baby food commercials, with the clean pajamas, wearing makeup and having perfect hair, a spotless house and a baby who opens his mouth delightfully expecting the next mouthful... DOES NOT EXIST (and most certainly won't be you or me)
(11. Pregnancy lasts 10 months! Not 9!! Add 40 weeks up and see how many months you end up with!)
1. Your belly is NOT the only thing that will grow huge during pregnancy
2. You will get a ton of cellulite
3. You will burp and fart like nothing else
4. Pregnancy is also painful
5. All the lotion in the world won't save you the stretch marks if you are genetically predisposed
6. It will get worse before it gets better
7. As much as you love your little one, sometimes you will wish it came with a muffler
8. There's a good reason men don't have babies
9. You won't necessarily glow and pregnancy might not be the best time in your life
10. The mommy in the baby food commercials, with the clean pajamas, wearing makeup and having perfect hair, a spotless house and a baby who opens his mouth delightfully expecting the next mouthful... DOES NOT EXIST (and most certainly won't be you or me)
(11. Pregnancy lasts 10 months! Not 9!! Add 40 weeks up and see how many months you end up with!)
Pregnancy Timeline
November 2004 - Start Ovulation Supresion
February 2005 - First AF after supresion
March 2005 - Start of Follistim Cycle 150 units a day
CD 14 reveals 12 eggs around 18mm, lining is 14mm
CD 16 the eggies have grown some but so has the lining
CD 17 we trigger and cross fingers, lining is 17mm (yikes)
Ovulation happens at around 10pm on Monday 14th March
2 week wait - During the 2ww I get moderate to severe OHSS which haunts me till the end of the 1st trimester
8, 9 and 10dpo - Spotting brown and pink and cramping and I think the cycle has failed and I expect AF to show up any minute
12dpo - I see a dream full of young children and in the morning I test and I get my first ever BFP!!! I tell George who does not believe me after all these years and wants to see it verified by someone in a white coat!
14dpo - HCG is 156.4
16dpo - HCG is 222 - we worry about ectopic or something else
20dpo - HCG is 1202
5w 2d - We see a sac and a fetal pole
6w 2d - We have a heartbeat
7w 2d - Baby's H/B is 180bpm
8w 2d - Surprise, surprise, we have TWO babies in there!!!
9w - Emergency U/S due to bleeding - Small placental detachment but babies are ok
12wks 4d - NT test, we were told we probably have two boys in there and we got excellent results. About 1:7000 for T21 and 1:11000 for T13,18
14 wks - REALLY felt babies kick
16wks 4d - Babies are still doing great and weigh more than 5oz each
20 wks - I start feeling the babies from the outside as well
21 wks 2d - Level II scan. Babies are still boys (with a small reservation on baby B) and weigh 14oz approximately. Baby B has reduced amniotic fluid
21 wks 4d - Baby B's amniotic fluid is normal on repeat scan
24 wks 5d - Emergency U/S due to severa abdominal pain. Baby B (John) had wedged his elbow between bowel and uterus!! OUCH
Next milestones:
1/9 - Next U/S
I hit 28 wks on 12th September
I have my shower on the 17th September
I will get the steroid shots for babies' lungs at 30 weeks
I will go on bedrest as a precaution on 10/10
Tentative C-section date scheduled for 11/15
February 2005 - First AF after supresion
March 2005 - Start of Follistim Cycle 150 units a day
CD 14 reveals 12 eggs around 18mm, lining is 14mm
CD 16 the eggies have grown some but so has the lining
CD 17 we trigger and cross fingers, lining is 17mm (yikes)
Ovulation happens at around 10pm on Monday 14th March
2 week wait - During the 2ww I get moderate to severe OHSS which haunts me till the end of the 1st trimester
8, 9 and 10dpo - Spotting brown and pink and cramping and I think the cycle has failed and I expect AF to show up any minute
12dpo - I see a dream full of young children and in the morning I test and I get my first ever BFP!!! I tell George who does not believe me after all these years and wants to see it verified by someone in a white coat!
14dpo - HCG is 156.4
16dpo - HCG is 222 - we worry about ectopic or something else
20dpo - HCG is 1202
5w 2d - We see a sac and a fetal pole
6w 2d - We have a heartbeat
7w 2d - Baby's H/B is 180bpm
8w 2d - Surprise, surprise, we have TWO babies in there!!!
9w - Emergency U/S due to bleeding - Small placental detachment but babies are ok
12wks 4d - NT test, we were told we probably have two boys in there and we got excellent results. About 1:7000 for T21 and 1:11000 for T13,18
14 wks - REALLY felt babies kick
16wks 4d - Babies are still doing great and weigh more than 5oz each
20 wks - I start feeling the babies from the outside as well
21 wks 2d - Level II scan. Babies are still boys (with a small reservation on baby B) and weigh 14oz approximately. Baby B has reduced amniotic fluid
21 wks 4d - Baby B's amniotic fluid is normal on repeat scan
24 wks 5d - Emergency U/S due to severa abdominal pain. Baby B (John) had wedged his elbow between bowel and uterus!! OUCH
Next milestones:
1/9 - Next U/S
I hit 28 wks on 12th September
I have my shower on the 17th September
I will get the steroid shots for babies' lungs at 30 weeks
I will go on bedrest as a precaution on 10/10
Tentative C-section date scheduled for 11/15
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Belly Armor Plating!
I woke up this morning after this terrible dream... I was looking at my naked belly and all of a sudden the baby on the left side (Cody) swept his face across the uterus and I it from the outside, kind of like in the Alien movies!!! I freaked out completely!! I woke up breathing heavy and feeling funny... this feeling of tenderness towards my little boy mixed with a feeling that my belly skin is so thin and that I am not protecting them enough...
Fast forward to tonight. I was sitting, looking at my belly and had a De ja vu moment as Cody turned sides inside my belly and I saw it happen from the outside. For a second or two, this tennis ball sized head, showed up clear as day as my boy executed his flipping maneuver.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched and felt helpless from the outside, realizing that this is all the separates my tiny, tiny and frail babies from the harsh outside world. Just a few layers of muscle and skin!How can I protect them? Will touching my belly or Beau laying on me, hurt them? What if as he turns, I accidentally hurt him? What if he pokes an eye out on my finger or something? I mean his head was right there!!!
It really, really scared me to the point I started to wail. George came over, laughing as I tried to explain that I just saw our son's head move across my belly and I felt it too!!
After both Cody and I (I am sure his mothers hysterics freaked the boy out!) both calmed down I decided I know exactly what I need!!I need a nice, solid, impenetrable piece of belly armor plating!!!
So... do you think eBay does that??
T.
Fast forward to tonight. I was sitting, looking at my belly and had a De ja vu moment as Cody turned sides inside my belly and I saw it happen from the outside. For a second or two, this tennis ball sized head, showed up clear as day as my boy executed his flipping maneuver.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched and felt helpless from the outside, realizing that this is all the separates my tiny, tiny and frail babies from the harsh outside world. Just a few layers of muscle and skin!How can I protect them? Will touching my belly or Beau laying on me, hurt them? What if as he turns, I accidentally hurt him? What if he pokes an eye out on my finger or something? I mean his head was right there!!!
It really, really scared me to the point I started to wail. George came over, laughing as I tried to explain that I just saw our son's head move across my belly and I felt it too!!
After both Cody and I (I am sure his mothers hysterics freaked the boy out!) both calmed down I decided I know exactly what I need!!I need a nice, solid, impenetrable piece of belly armor plating!!!
So... do you think eBay does that??
T.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The mediocracy of the 50% percentile
Let me preface this post by saying.. I am average! Hubby is average too.I am average everything. Average height, average cute, average intelligence. NOTHING special about me. Nothing special about hubby either.. There was nothing special about us our whole lives. Just your garden type variety fellas... and this goes down rather well with us. I mean, we know we are your average, next door Joes but when it comes down to your kid, you want the best right?
I don't really believe I will breed the next Einstein or a miniature Chopin but I will be sure to try... and this kind of expectation and effort seems to start from the womb, especially when coupled with my bottomless (and annoying) anxiety about this pregnancy.
So when we went for our Level II ultrasound at 21 weeks, and the doctor told us everything looks good, everything was were it is supposed to be and apparently functioning, I felt relieved.However when I read the report that our babies were at the 50% percentile (your average, garden variety babies) I was a bit let down.I would have felt SO much better if the doctor had said "your babies are advanced for their gestational age" or "they measure 3 days ahead"...Then there would have been some margin for error. Skipping a meal or not taking a vitamin perhaps... some small assurance that I am not only doing things right, but this pregnancy is going sooo good, my babies are growing like weeds.
I don't really mind they are average. I am average. Average is good... but at least while in the womb can't they do something extraordinary like be big and advanced so in case they are born early, they will have this much more of a chance??
That's all I want for them. A chance! A fighting chance!So here I am 3 weeks past my ultrasound, worrying because last night I forgot to take my iron supplement... because when you are average, you really do need every little piece of leverage you can get!! Right?Look at me... they are not even here yet and I am a pushy mom!! *sigh*
Next ultrasound is 9/1. Hope I have good news to report then too .... hopefully that our babies are now over a pound (which is the average) and that my missing a few days of supplements (preggo brain!) didn't really have any super adverse effects on their growth... :)
T.
I don't really believe I will breed the next Einstein or a miniature Chopin but I will be sure to try... and this kind of expectation and effort seems to start from the womb, especially when coupled with my bottomless (and annoying) anxiety about this pregnancy.
So when we went for our Level II ultrasound at 21 weeks, and the doctor told us everything looks good, everything was were it is supposed to be and apparently functioning, I felt relieved.However when I read the report that our babies were at the 50% percentile (your average, garden variety babies) I was a bit let down.I would have felt SO much better if the doctor had said "your babies are advanced for their gestational age" or "they measure 3 days ahead"...Then there would have been some margin for error. Skipping a meal or not taking a vitamin perhaps... some small assurance that I am not only doing things right, but this pregnancy is going sooo good, my babies are growing like weeds.
I don't really mind they are average. I am average. Average is good... but at least while in the womb can't they do something extraordinary like be big and advanced so in case they are born early, they will have this much more of a chance??
That's all I want for them. A chance! A fighting chance!So here I am 3 weeks past my ultrasound, worrying because last night I forgot to take my iron supplement... because when you are average, you really do need every little piece of leverage you can get!! Right?Look at me... they are not even here yet and I am a pushy mom!! *sigh*
Next ultrasound is 9/1. Hope I have good news to report then too .... hopefully that our babies are now over a pound (which is the average) and that my missing a few days of supplements (preggo brain!) didn't really have any super adverse effects on their growth... :)
T.
We are all good mothers...
After getting pregnant and announcing it, it became very clear that pretty much everybody I talk to, has some advise and an opinion about how I should raise my babies or handle my pregnancy.I don't mind really, since they do mean well... except when they use their "I know better and I cannot possibly be wrong because its a FACT" tone of voice at which point I get SO close to loosing it...
I started to wonder why is this so. Why is it that whenever I start a topic about my choices or ask for advise about parenting or immunization or circumcision or AP or anything on how to raise your children, WW3 invariably breaks out? And as it often does, it hit me one day at around 4am...
Because children and child rearing is one of the most sensitive and controversial topics around and one in which opinions seem to bear a remarkable resemblance to a belly button... everybody has one and all are different!!
And I really don't get it!!I mean these are MY children, MY way of life, MY resources, MY opinions...WHY on earth would someone pass judgment and present me with a "fact" without considering my options at ALL?Why would you make me feel like a bad mother if I choose not to breastfeed (or don't manage to) or if I choose to vaccinate or not home school?Do I not want the BEST for my children (and since there is NO "best" rules why is your approach correct and mine isn't?)How can you assume to care more about my children than I do? You haven't even seen my children, my house, or lived a day in my shoes... how can you present your opinion as the absolute-no-doubt-about-it BEST for me and the children?
So for the record, I AM a good mother and so are you!! And THAT'S an indisputable fact!!Why?
Because we all dreamt about our babies.Because we all cried when we saw the heart beating for the first time and jumped with joy when we felt the first kick.Because we all bit our nails right to the bone when we were told there might be some problem with our baby and we felt exhilarated with joy when the problem resolved.Because we all put our babies before us and in the end the reason we ask, the reason we share experiences and the reason we look for the "best", is because we all are good mothers and our babies are lucky to have us..
Just don't use that tone of voice when you advise or share your thoughts with others.You are not God and you can most certainly be wrong or it might be that your views and advise are not suitable for any given situation... and what might work for you, might not work for me.And for Love's sake, please, don't put down other mothers or mothers to be, and make them feel bad or unsure about their choices or parenting styles...Because at the end of the day its their children and their lives and you cannot live it for them... all you can do is provide guidance... gentle and open minded guidance and that's all...
T.
I started to wonder why is this so. Why is it that whenever I start a topic about my choices or ask for advise about parenting or immunization or circumcision or AP or anything on how to raise your children, WW3 invariably breaks out? And as it often does, it hit me one day at around 4am...
Because children and child rearing is one of the most sensitive and controversial topics around and one in which opinions seem to bear a remarkable resemblance to a belly button... everybody has one and all are different!!
And I really don't get it!!I mean these are MY children, MY way of life, MY resources, MY opinions...WHY on earth would someone pass judgment and present me with a "fact" without considering my options at ALL?Why would you make me feel like a bad mother if I choose not to breastfeed (or don't manage to) or if I choose to vaccinate or not home school?Do I not want the BEST for my children (and since there is NO "best" rules why is your approach correct and mine isn't?)How can you assume to care more about my children than I do? You haven't even seen my children, my house, or lived a day in my shoes... how can you present your opinion as the absolute-no-doubt-about-it BEST for me and the children?
So for the record, I AM a good mother and so are you!! And THAT'S an indisputable fact!!Why?
Because we all dreamt about our babies.Because we all cried when we saw the heart beating for the first time and jumped with joy when we felt the first kick.Because we all bit our nails right to the bone when we were told there might be some problem with our baby and we felt exhilarated with joy when the problem resolved.Because we all put our babies before us and in the end the reason we ask, the reason we share experiences and the reason we look for the "best", is because we all are good mothers and our babies are lucky to have us..
Just don't use that tone of voice when you advise or share your thoughts with others.You are not God and you can most certainly be wrong or it might be that your views and advise are not suitable for any given situation... and what might work for you, might not work for me.And for Love's sake, please, don't put down other mothers or mothers to be, and make them feel bad or unsure about their choices or parenting styles...Because at the end of the day its their children and their lives and you cannot live it for them... all you can do is provide guidance... gentle and open minded guidance and that's all...
T.
Rollecoaster ride...
As a younger girl, before we started trying, I had often dreamt and fantasized about my pregnancy. It would be this perfect thing, totally uncomplicated (I had no idea what kind of complications there were anyway) and my husband was this devoted, loving, totally supportive "don't-move-a-muscle-honey" kind of guy, who would look at me and my growing belly adoringly and come with me to Lamazze classes and ultrasounds and to baby stores, helping me pick out the crib and stuff. And of course we would have enough money to buy the very, absolute, best!!
Of course reality has proven to be totally different than my fantasy ;)
Well my husband is very loving, caring and adoring but he won't go anywhere near Mothercare. Nor will he tell me to stay put in the couch if there is something he needs and I can get for him ;)And of course we do not have the money to spend on the most expensive baby stuff. In fact we don't have any money for baby stuff and if it wasn't for friends and caring family my babies would sleep in laundry baskets!!
But what really throws me in for a loop is this emotional rollercoaster I can't control.One moment I am ecstatic and optimistic, the next I am down at the very bottom of the pit of despair...
Plus lately I have been having dreams that disturb me.My babies never get born and if they do, they turn into animals or I loose them and can't find them, or I forget to feed them or something and I wake up in a state of panic.
The physical side of this pregnancy is also starting to get me down. I am turning into this big, immobile person, contantly in pain to the point I had a couple of thoughts that this will be my last pregnancy. The possibility of this condition I have, to become permanent, restraining me for the rest of my life while having surgery after surgery to correct the problem is scary to say the least.Yet the love I have for those little creatures inside of me is so big and so vast, I don't think it can fit inside of me anymore which is certainly the reason why I am expanding.
But really, my emotions are a rollercoaster. One minute I am as excited as a school girl on her first date and the next I am terrified of the change these babies will bring in my life.I am terrified of something happening to them. I have said it a million times already. I am terrified of things with scary names like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-E, PROM... I don't want my babies to be born early!! I want my babies to be born big and healthy at 38 weeks... and I want to be physically able to take care of them!!I don't want to argue with my mother in law and fight for my right to be the sole (with hubby) caregiver for my babies and the one who makes the decisions on how the babies are raised and how I handle them...
I want to keep them safe and sound and happy and healthy and I want to raise them to be good people.And at times I am sure I will but then again there are times I am mortified!!This pregnancy is turning out to be an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride...
And like any rollercoaster ride it might scare the heck out you or make you sick but you smile afterwards and maybe, a few years later, when you have forgotten how you threw up in front of a crowd or you were scared to death and all you remember is the exhilaration of the ride... then you might as well ride the rollercoaster again.
Of course reality has proven to be totally different than my fantasy ;)
Well my husband is very loving, caring and adoring but he won't go anywhere near Mothercare. Nor will he tell me to stay put in the couch if there is something he needs and I can get for him ;)And of course we do not have the money to spend on the most expensive baby stuff. In fact we don't have any money for baby stuff and if it wasn't for friends and caring family my babies would sleep in laundry baskets!!
But what really throws me in for a loop is this emotional rollercoaster I can't control.One moment I am ecstatic and optimistic, the next I am down at the very bottom of the pit of despair...
Plus lately I have been having dreams that disturb me.My babies never get born and if they do, they turn into animals or I loose them and can't find them, or I forget to feed them or something and I wake up in a state of panic.
The physical side of this pregnancy is also starting to get me down. I am turning into this big, immobile person, contantly in pain to the point I had a couple of thoughts that this will be my last pregnancy. The possibility of this condition I have, to become permanent, restraining me for the rest of my life while having surgery after surgery to correct the problem is scary to say the least.Yet the love I have for those little creatures inside of me is so big and so vast, I don't think it can fit inside of me anymore which is certainly the reason why I am expanding.
But really, my emotions are a rollercoaster. One minute I am as excited as a school girl on her first date and the next I am terrified of the change these babies will bring in my life.I am terrified of something happening to them. I have said it a million times already. I am terrified of things with scary names like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-E, PROM... I don't want my babies to be born early!! I want my babies to be born big and healthy at 38 weeks... and I want to be physically able to take care of them!!I don't want to argue with my mother in law and fight for my right to be the sole (with hubby) caregiver for my babies and the one who makes the decisions on how the babies are raised and how I handle them...
I want to keep them safe and sound and happy and healthy and I want to raise them to be good people.And at times I am sure I will but then again there are times I am mortified!!This pregnancy is turning out to be an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride...
And like any rollercoaster ride it might scare the heck out you or make you sick but you smile afterwards and maybe, a few years later, when you have forgotten how you threw up in front of a crowd or you were scared to death and all you remember is the exhilaration of the ride... then you might as well ride the rollercoaster again.
I Lost George
I woke up in a state of panic this morning wondering "whose babies are these?"
I went to bed at around 2am but woke up at 3.30am and again at 5am. Deciding that I was not comfortable and with the boys kicking up a storm inside of me, I left the bed (and poor George who I had almost pushed off the bed in an effort to find a comfortable spot which resulted in me lying diagonally in bed) and had an early snack as I sat in the couch, flipping through the channels and deciding there is absolutely nothing worth watching at 5am I finally dragged myself back to bed at around 7am.
This time I did get comfortable and I fell into a deep sleep...I briefly woke up at 8am to remind George that Beau was crying because he was hungry and fell back asleep.
The dream started with me being on vacation in our family's ranch in Crete.I haven't been there in 8 years but I spent the first 17 years of my life there, every summer with no exception.I was with my parents and my brothers and my best friend from school.Everybody was at their correct age but our house was by the sea instead of in the mountains.In in the dream I found myself looking through a maternity store picking out PINK clothes with my mother who was not herself, meaning she was actually interested and sweet.
After a while I found myself in a state of panic. Whose babies were these?I was SURE I had a boyfriend and he was the father of my children (girls) but who was he?? I tried to remember, I started asking my friend and my brothers but nobody could remember who was he...Plus there was a good looking stranger flirting me but because I was sure these were somebody else's babies I semi-blew him off while I went in search of my mysterious lover and father of my twin girls!
My best friend however wasted no time and I think she hooked up with him.There was me dancing by the seaside, a scorpion I saw in the bathroom and other things but as the time went by I became more and more frantic in my search and at some point I was outright crying.How could I let it happen? I would be a single mother of twins! I couldn't find the babies' father and worse yet I couldn't even remember who he was!!
I woke up crying with the question "whose babies are these?" still in my lips and I scurried off to the living room (as fast as a heavily pregnant woman can scurry off) where George, the father of my twins and husband, was at his computer, typing away.I was awash with relief and I cuddled up to him.
The time was 13.11pm when I woke.It has been the deepest and most rejuvenating sleep I had in weeks!Even if I managed to loose and forget about my husband somewhere in between!!
T.
Maybe baby
Today I got my copy of "Maybe baby", a film based on Ben Elton's book "Inconceivable" which is basically their struggle to conceive their twins (through IVF).Loved the book, hated the film... It was a rather nice film, if you hadn't read the book though. The cast was brilliant, the sets were great and the whole production was very carefully laid out. It was just like an American film (oh come on, you know you agree with me about British Productions!!!) only with a lot less nudity involved (not even a single breast!)
The couple in the book and film do not conceive while we are watching, unlike the author and his wife, as stated at the foreword, but they both end with a promise for another try and maybe... a baby.The book was brilliant and I laughed out loud many a times (though some words made me pause... who uses the word "blokey" and "Mawkish" these days!?) and I admit I reached for the dictionary twice... Apparently its been a long time since I left Scotland!The reason I didn't like the movie was that it totally missed the mark and the point of the book. The movie was about infertility yes but it didn't touch me at all. The book did...
However the film made me realize in full color what is happening here.
While I am racing through this pregnancy (week 23 already) at break neck speed, so has my counter part, George. At least in the psychological part of it.
As my bank account drained, so did his.When my phone got disconnected because I couldn't pay it, so did his.As I lay there for an ultrasound crossing fingers and toes to the point of cramping, wishing with all my might everything is alright, so does he..So he doesn't want to look at cribs, and he doesn't really care what color the nursery will be but that does not mean he doesn't care about this pregnancy and his sons...
Good thing I realized that too... Makes me a whole less mad at him and a whole lot more fair :)
T.
The couple in the book and film do not conceive while we are watching, unlike the author and his wife, as stated at the foreword, but they both end with a promise for another try and maybe... a baby.The book was brilliant and I laughed out loud many a times (though some words made me pause... who uses the word "blokey" and "Mawkish" these days!?) and I admit I reached for the dictionary twice... Apparently its been a long time since I left Scotland!The reason I didn't like the movie was that it totally missed the mark and the point of the book. The movie was about infertility yes but it didn't touch me at all. The book did...
However the film made me realize in full color what is happening here.
While I am racing through this pregnancy (week 23 already) at break neck speed, so has my counter part, George. At least in the psychological part of it.
As my bank account drained, so did his.When my phone got disconnected because I couldn't pay it, so did his.As I lay there for an ultrasound crossing fingers and toes to the point of cramping, wishing with all my might everything is alright, so does he..So he doesn't want to look at cribs, and he doesn't really care what color the nursery will be but that does not mean he doesn't care about this pregnancy and his sons...
Good thing I realized that too... Makes me a whole less mad at him and a whole lot more fair :)
T.
Sometimes I wish ...
... that my legs had little handles on them, like those on shopping bags only sturdier...
Let me explain: Imagine this. Heavy pregnant lady. With twins.... With SPD in a severe form. Sleepless for nights except catnaps. Exhausted.
Said lady tries to get comfy in bed. She carefully places her pregnancy pillow in a U-shape for her head and shoulders, being careful so that she doesn't bump her head on the head board as she sleeps. She then places a stack of pillows so she can life her pelvis off the mattress and some to go under her knees...
She sits on the side of the bed between the carefully constructed pillow-nest.She now contemplates turning and actually lying down.She half turns her body but her legs weigh a ton and no matter how much she tries she can't swing them over the mountain of pillows... She returns her body in its original position and grabs a leg with both hands and manually drapes it over the pillow mountain... She does the same for the other leg...And wishes her legs came with built-in handles... that would make the whole grabbing-lifting-draping thing a whole lot easier...
As soon as the legs are where they are supposed to be, she lays herself down and gets comfy... The whole ritual takes about 30 minutes... it doesn't matter anyway. In about 2 hours from now, she will be wide awake again.Her pelvis will not be on fire but her tailbone will most certainly be...
And that will be the end of her night-time sleep...C'est la pregnancy!! :)
Let me explain: Imagine this. Heavy pregnant lady. With twins.... With SPD in a severe form. Sleepless for nights except catnaps. Exhausted.
Said lady tries to get comfy in bed. She carefully places her pregnancy pillow in a U-shape for her head and shoulders, being careful so that she doesn't bump her head on the head board as she sleeps. She then places a stack of pillows so she can life her pelvis off the mattress and some to go under her knees...
She sits on the side of the bed between the carefully constructed pillow-nest.She now contemplates turning and actually lying down.She half turns her body but her legs weigh a ton and no matter how much she tries she can't swing them over the mountain of pillows... She returns her body in its original position and grabs a leg with both hands and manually drapes it over the pillow mountain... She does the same for the other leg...And wishes her legs came with built-in handles... that would make the whole grabbing-lifting-draping thing a whole lot easier...
As soon as the legs are where they are supposed to be, she lays herself down and gets comfy... The whole ritual takes about 30 minutes... it doesn't matter anyway. In about 2 hours from now, she will be wide awake again.Her pelvis will not be on fire but her tailbone will most certainly be...
And that will be the end of her night-time sleep...C'est la pregnancy!! :)
Friday, July 29, 2005
And another day begins...
I slept at around 2.30am and woke up two hours later because my bum had gone completely numb!! My OB had just told me not to sleep on my back but the pain of even *trying* to turn on my side, not actually forcing my body to sleep in this position, was e-x-c-r-u-c-i-a-t-i-n-g!!!
Stupid SPD! I swear, its the worst part of this pregnancy!!
Have you ever broken a bone or severely sprained a joint?
Do you remember how the pain drove you blind and made you totally nauseous?? Its one of the worst pains and I put up with it last year for about 6 months when I had the accident and busted my knee.
That's what SPD feels like only its not on a limb you can prop up or somehow not use much... Its right there, your pelvis and no matter what movement you engage in, you have to move your pelvis and until your ligament has gone Jell-O, you don't even know this is actually two pieces of bone.
So when my OB told me not to sleep on my back, I knew it was impossible.
It is the ONLY position I can even get a couple of hours of sleep. I tried turning over onto my side but it was impossible. I screamed bloody murder from the pain until stars were shooting before my very eyes.
However after an only 2 hour nap (which was supposed to be my 6-8 hour sleep at night), my tail bone started hurting like crazy. I could no longer stay in bed so I got up...
But now I could no longer sit down in the couch because... you guessed it!
My tail bone was sore from the pressure!!
So I start walking around the house. I am pretty miserable at this point. I am tired, hot, I had a long day and I have yet another long day ahead of me.
I need to clean the house because the A/C people are coming in to install a new unit and also I am getting my toe nails done because.... you guessed it!
My belly is getting in the way of me cutting my nails and the only shoe I can wear are flip flops which you can't wear unless you have pretty toes...
So here I am sleepless for silly reasons (I mean, it would be ok if a baby woke me up) hot, grumpy, ravenous and worried when George wakes up...
And here we start a fight at 6am because he gained weight (and its my fault) and his white uniform doesn't quite fit him, the shirt is not pure white (apparently he says our washing machine is not working or my choice in cleaning products is poor - however the shirt looked FINE to me plus its brand new and I only washed it once) and a ton of other things.
He is screaming at me at 6am!!
I can understand him being worried about presenting himself in an anything but perfect white uniform and he just got transferred and its his first day in the new service but geez!!
Thankfully I am getting better at handling his crises and me being pregnant and all, he can't hit me or throw something at me... not that he has done it many times, mind you, he is not an ogre!!
Eventually he left for work... and its now 6.50am and here I am, debating whether I should go out now or wait until later and of course I am not feeling my absolute best but hey, I am not complaining.
As soon as the day is done, I will get my sleep. I will even pop a couple of Panadols for the pain and hopefully sleep (upright this time) for 4 hours in the afternoon.
I am off to make me some coffee and start cleaning the house.
Good day everyone
Tina
Stupid SPD! I swear, its the worst part of this pregnancy!!
Have you ever broken a bone or severely sprained a joint?
Do you remember how the pain drove you blind and made you totally nauseous?? Its one of the worst pains and I put up with it last year for about 6 months when I had the accident and busted my knee.
That's what SPD feels like only its not on a limb you can prop up or somehow not use much... Its right there, your pelvis and no matter what movement you engage in, you have to move your pelvis and until your ligament has gone Jell-O, you don't even know this is actually two pieces of bone.
So when my OB told me not to sleep on my back, I knew it was impossible.
It is the ONLY position I can even get a couple of hours of sleep. I tried turning over onto my side but it was impossible. I screamed bloody murder from the pain until stars were shooting before my very eyes.
However after an only 2 hour nap (which was supposed to be my 6-8 hour sleep at night), my tail bone started hurting like crazy. I could no longer stay in bed so I got up...
But now I could no longer sit down in the couch because... you guessed it!
My tail bone was sore from the pressure!!
So I start walking around the house. I am pretty miserable at this point. I am tired, hot, I had a long day and I have yet another long day ahead of me.
I need to clean the house because the A/C people are coming in to install a new unit and also I am getting my toe nails done because.... you guessed it!
My belly is getting in the way of me cutting my nails and the only shoe I can wear are flip flops which you can't wear unless you have pretty toes...
So here I am sleepless for silly reasons (I mean, it would be ok if a baby woke me up) hot, grumpy, ravenous and worried when George wakes up...
And here we start a fight at 6am because he gained weight (and its my fault) and his white uniform doesn't quite fit him, the shirt is not pure white (apparently he says our washing machine is not working or my choice in cleaning products is poor - however the shirt looked FINE to me plus its brand new and I only washed it once) and a ton of other things.
He is screaming at me at 6am!!
I can understand him being worried about presenting himself in an anything but perfect white uniform and he just got transferred and its his first day in the new service but geez!!
Thankfully I am getting better at handling his crises and me being pregnant and all, he can't hit me or throw something at me... not that he has done it many times, mind you, he is not an ogre!!
Eventually he left for work... and its now 6.50am and here I am, debating whether I should go out now or wait until later and of course I am not feeling my absolute best but hey, I am not complaining.
As soon as the day is done, I will get my sleep. I will even pop a couple of Panadols for the pain and hopefully sleep (upright this time) for 4 hours in the afternoon.
I am off to make me some coffee and start cleaning the house.
Good day everyone
Tina
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Did the other shoe drop?
My best friend, Dian, told me that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, when I expressed my pregnancy fears to her. She put it perfectly!!
Dr. Luke's words that when you are carrying twins, not all news will be good news, kept circling in my head these past few weeks and I often wondered what my "bad" would be.
So when today we had our level II anatomy scan, I nearly passed out when the tech told us that there is borderline low amniotic fluid around one baby.
And I heard the virtual shoe drop with a "clonk" on the wooden floor.
Somehow I found my voice and I asked the first question that came to mind: "How are the kidneys, the blood flow to them and the abdomen?"
There was a chance the baby had some malformation or kidney problem and wasn't peeing, thus creating less fluid.
But all was well in that department.
If there is a problem, said the tech, it lies with the placenta.
It is funny how one's perception can change within seconds.
I did have my reservations about this test, like I was expecting to hear something was off.
I had posted several times over the past few days in forums, telling my friends how worried I was. Worried, instead of excited!!
Like I had a feeling something would be off...
We were told to come back for a repeat scan and the first thing I did when I got dressed, was to call my doctor and tell him. He said things were probably fine. I have an appointment with him in two days.
George was white as a sheet and really worried too plus we saw one of the babies actually cry (no sound - sound does not travel in fluid). They do cry in the womb, practising their vocal cords and all. We could see his mouth open and close and his tongue tremble. Amazing!!
George thought he heard crying but I think it was his imagination...
I love my boys so much!!! I don't want anything to happen to them!!
I will do anything, ANYTHING so they can be safe!!
As I sit here and write, they kick me and I hope that means "hey mommy, we are alright, don't worry" .. but telling a mommy not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise each day. It comes with the territory.
I started drinking more water. Its controversial if this actually offers any real benefits but at least I will give it a try. Hopefully on Wednesday we will get a diagnosis too.
Sorry I can't write more, I am exhausted!!
Please pray our little boy pulls out of this as low amniotic fluid can actually be really, really bad for him... even life threatening!!
Thank you in advance for your prayers!!
Hugs
Tina
Dr. Luke's words that when you are carrying twins, not all news will be good news, kept circling in my head these past few weeks and I often wondered what my "bad" would be.
So when today we had our level II anatomy scan, I nearly passed out when the tech told us that there is borderline low amniotic fluid around one baby.
And I heard the virtual shoe drop with a "clonk" on the wooden floor.
Somehow I found my voice and I asked the first question that came to mind: "How are the kidneys, the blood flow to them and the abdomen?"
There was a chance the baby had some malformation or kidney problem and wasn't peeing, thus creating less fluid.
But all was well in that department.
If there is a problem, said the tech, it lies with the placenta.
It is funny how one's perception can change within seconds.
I did have my reservations about this test, like I was expecting to hear something was off.
I had posted several times over the past few days in forums, telling my friends how worried I was. Worried, instead of excited!!
Like I had a feeling something would be off...
We were told to come back for a repeat scan and the first thing I did when I got dressed, was to call my doctor and tell him. He said things were probably fine. I have an appointment with him in two days.
George was white as a sheet and really worried too plus we saw one of the babies actually cry (no sound - sound does not travel in fluid). They do cry in the womb, practising their vocal cords and all. We could see his mouth open and close and his tongue tremble. Amazing!!
George thought he heard crying but I think it was his imagination...
I love my boys so much!!! I don't want anything to happen to them!!
I will do anything, ANYTHING so they can be safe!!
As I sit here and write, they kick me and I hope that means "hey mommy, we are alright, don't worry" .. but telling a mommy not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise each day. It comes with the territory.
I started drinking more water. Its controversial if this actually offers any real benefits but at least I will give it a try. Hopefully on Wednesday we will get a diagnosis too.
Sorry I can't write more, I am exhausted!!
Please pray our little boy pulls out of this as low amniotic fluid can actually be really, really bad for him... even life threatening!!
Thank you in advance for your prayers!!
Hugs
Tina
Sunday, July 24, 2005
... and then you get cold feet!
I am trying to write this as the cat is running around the appartment in a state of frenzy!
His tail is all fluffed up, his eyes open wide and he keeps bolting from one room the next like the Devil is out to get him. Pretty funny really if you consider the fact that he has already tripped over himself two or three times and has managed to knock my Nikes all the way to the hallway!!
I had a peculiar day so far. Slept late, woke up early as George got (noisily) ready to report to the base as he is on duty tonight. I couldn't get back to sleep after he'd left so I just hung around the couch, watching cartoons.
He called me a couple of hours later just as I had decided that I could use another couple of hours of sleep, to give me a "brillian" decorating idea he had... or rather "rearrange the house" idea.
You see, we have a small appartment, with two small bedrooms. The living room, kitchen and balcony are really big but the bathroom and bedrooms are just big enough to be functional, not recreational. I guess the architect who designed the building thought we would be spending most of our time in the living room which we do so as long as a bed and a bookcase fit in the other rooms, well that's all you needed. (btw, thats ALL our bedroom can accommodate, a double bed and a small bookcase)
So you see, we need to empty the second bedroom which now serves as my workroom and George's computer station, and transform it into the nursery.
But the room is packed to the ceiling we stuff and even if I say I will eliminate everything I don't really need, that leaves me with a small problem.
There are about a million things I do need in order to work and I can't stop working because I bring 60% of the family's income into the house and duh, there is no way in Hell to make ends meet without my income.
But George wasn't the least bit worried about that. All he cared about was where he is going to put his computers and router, and wireless whatsa-ya-call-it!!
So he started telling me of his wonderful plan how we will re-arrange the living room so instead of a presentable living room, it would be turned into a crowed, horrible room just so that he can fit his computers in. No mention of where my work stuff will go...
We spent an hour on the phone trying to solve this and of course George reacted in his usual manner when you gave him an objection "Fine, we'll do it your way or rather, I will throw everything out..." and mentally stumped his foot like a 5 year old.
In the end it was decided after my suggestion that the computers will go into our bedroom. The TV will have to go of course but who needs it?
Its ok, I can sleep with radiation all night, right?
So it seems I've managed to keep my living room as is which is a good thing because I had planned for that space near the window, to put the babies' swings there so I can keep an eye on them while still doing chores. If I can afford the swings that is... Because then the subject of money had to be brought up... Apparently I need to raise a few thousand dollars by October because I need to pay for the babies. No mention of what George will do to get more money. He just said "its not the right time to look for a second job right now" and left it at that. I started crying because for a second it all seemed so overwhelming! I told him that maybe he would be better off without me. I should take off and go, he can keep the house and my car and everything, I don't care. It will be better for him without me. He didn't much want the kids anyways so he won't be actually missing something, right? I will be taking a load off his shoulders.
How am I supposed to come up with a whole year's worth of salary in 2 months, still spend my allocated hours on bedrest, still do the housework and on top of paying pretty much everything including the car insurance and repairs on my car which he is driving (and he even ripped the seat fabric the other day to add to the loooong list of damages to my car!) I will need to close out a $4000 loan I had taken out when I was living alone (before getting married) AND save up about $5000-6000 so that I can pay the hospital I will be giving birth to if all goes well, in November.
All that has to be done with my job which is basically selling on eBay! The economy in Greece sucks anyway, no way I am getting a job and if I do it will be a $500 a month job. Wellfare is not available because George makes just enough to surpass the limit and we are not considered "poor" (he makes around $10,000 a year but half each month go towards our mortgage) and NOBODY will hire a heavily pregnant woman and I do mean NOBODY. And with my bedrest orders what kind of job could I possibly be doing that wouldn't endanger my babies??
Except my current job of course which can be done from home and under my rules...
After that I finally went into a fitfull sleep for another two hours when I was awaken by George's mom who thought calling at 4pm is a good idea... well its not! Its "quiet time" here and I am supposed to stay in bed 4 hours a day in addition to the 8-10 I must be sleeping at night, because I have contractions and doc wants me in bed!! And while in bed, I sleep...
Then I got to looking around the appartment realizing that a year from now and imagining how my life will change.
Its so funny when you have been trying for so long, wanting and longing for so long but when the time came, all Hell broke loose and what you knew, no longer stands.
I sometimes feel like an acrobat, trying to keep her balance on a tight rope people keep juggling.
I sometimes wish I could "freeze" time so that I could do more things and then have the babies when I was ready. But you are never ready, are you?
With the economy the way it is in Greece NOBODY has any money any more. I think the Americans would deem us poorer than their poor people and it would be true.
Its not that I, in particular didn't prepare for the babies financially. There was nothing to put aside after the month was done and the pregnancy though we tried, took us by surprise.
I mean, we did try for a baby, but success was not for sure. It hadn't happened in two years why would it work now, you know what I mean?
And besides, I reason, who tells me that next year things will be any better or the year after that? Maybe this was our last chance. Things have certainly be getting steadily worse over the years anyway...
I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of desperation. I silently prayed that God somehow made me not needing any sleep at all and not suffering any side effects when the babies came because my future did not seem anything like a rose colored commercial of baby food.
All I could think about was "how will I find the time and the energy to look after two kids and work at the same time"??
I don't want my mother in law raising my children! This is absolutely out of the question!! She didn't even raise her own kids and she is a weird, mean person sometimes.
How do I work around it? I gotta find a way. How I wish I could grow another set of arms!!
George I don't count on. He seems to be dumping everything on me and only worry about his own stuff. Its not that he doesn't love me but every time he talks to me there is an accusing tone to what he says, like he depended on me and I somehow screwed it up...
At times like these horrible, horrible thoughts cross my mind and I am sure to burn in Hell for them or worse... I keep thinking that I will run away, not for my sake but for his. I am such a burden, I keep thinking. And then the babies kick or move and I am so in love with them!!
I want to move Heaven and Earth for them, and I just can't seem to find a way out. And its all about stupid money. I swear, if I had a time machine I would go back in time and find whoever discovered the damn thing and smack him until his head spin so much, he wouldn't even remember his own name, let alone money.
Sigh... I am off to get some work done I supposed. Not easy when its 100 F in the house. We have no A/C and its a hot, hot summer... But it has to be done.
I just need to keep an eye out for contractions and if I have any, I need to get back in bed...
Wish me luck!
T.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The Count Down is on
Monday, 25th July 2005
Gestational Age 21 weeks
Time: 19.30pm
Place: Embryo Diagnostic Unit
Purpose of visit: Level II Anatomy Scan of Twin Pregnancy
I mean YIKES!!! Could they get me MORE nervous about this??
Only 6 days left... 6-frigging-days-left until....
Until what?
Until I get to see my babies?
Until I get told that my babies are fine, I am feeding them enough, they have all the right parts in all the right places?
Until I get told that no I am actually not feeding them enough and they are starving little skeletons in there?
Or worse?!
Get a grip Tina!!!
Ok mental check!
Had my last scan on week 16. The boys were doing great!
They had nice little brains, ten fingers, ten toes, rib cages, closed spines. Good weight, even measured ahead...
Did I screw up since then?
I mean I don't eat much nowadays. I have no apetite. I even forgot my prenatals a few times and with all the iron supplements I have to get, forget about getting any calcium in since every 4 hours I have to pop an iron pill least I wish to undergo a transfusion!!
I mean surely I must have done something wrong in those 4 weeks since my last scan, that would have catastrophic consequences on my two little ones!!
I am such a horrid mother already!!!
I am also highly hormonal so please excuse me while I go around mopping about my misfortune!
I'll get over it! I hope.
I mean... if there was something wrong, they should have seen it, right?
I saw logn bones and they looked long to me and straight... I saw brains with nice lobes and all. I saw hands and feet and everything. Babies looked... perfect!!
I mean, bad things don't just happen from one day to the next right?
Yet I am freaking out!!
This is the part where my hormone filled brain flips a switch and I go from "Logical" to "irrational" in a matter of miliseconds. You gotta love pregnancy!!
As a matter of fact right now, I do. This is my "calm before the storm" moment... where storm is my 3rd trimester, 7 weeks away, and calm is that I feel quite like a healthy human being again!!
Oh and before I go I decided that if no medical reasons arise, I will demand that I try to deliver my babies vaginally!!
I won't go for an elective c-section though my doc has been pushing for one.
I decided I am too young this is my first pregnancy and I do not wish to be cut unless I absolutely have to... I will give this old body of mine, a chance!!
Hugs
Tina
Gestational Age 21 weeks
Time: 19.30pm
Place: Embryo Diagnostic Unit
Purpose of visit: Level II Anatomy Scan of Twin Pregnancy
I mean YIKES!!! Could they get me MORE nervous about this??
Only 6 days left... 6-frigging-days-left until....
Until what?
Until I get to see my babies?
Until I get told that my babies are fine, I am feeding them enough, they have all the right parts in all the right places?
Until I get told that no I am actually not feeding them enough and they are starving little skeletons in there?
Or worse?!
Get a grip Tina!!!
Ok mental check!
Had my last scan on week 16. The boys were doing great!
They had nice little brains, ten fingers, ten toes, rib cages, closed spines. Good weight, even measured ahead...
Did I screw up since then?
I mean I don't eat much nowadays. I have no apetite. I even forgot my prenatals a few times and with all the iron supplements I have to get, forget about getting any calcium in since every 4 hours I have to pop an iron pill least I wish to undergo a transfusion!!
I mean surely I must have done something wrong in those 4 weeks since my last scan, that would have catastrophic consequences on my two little ones!!
I am such a horrid mother already!!!
I am also highly hormonal so please excuse me while I go around mopping about my misfortune!
I'll get over it! I hope.
I mean... if there was something wrong, they should have seen it, right?
I saw logn bones and they looked long to me and straight... I saw brains with nice lobes and all. I saw hands and feet and everything. Babies looked... perfect!!
I mean, bad things don't just happen from one day to the next right?
Yet I am freaking out!!
This is the part where my hormone filled brain flips a switch and I go from "Logical" to "irrational" in a matter of miliseconds. You gotta love pregnancy!!
As a matter of fact right now, I do. This is my "calm before the storm" moment... where storm is my 3rd trimester, 7 weeks away, and calm is that I feel quite like a healthy human being again!!
Oh and before I go I decided that if no medical reasons arise, I will demand that I try to deliver my babies vaginally!!
I won't go for an elective c-section though my doc has been pushing for one.
I decided I am too young this is my first pregnancy and I do not wish to be cut unless I absolutely have to... I will give this old body of mine, a chance!!
Hugs
Tina
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
IF is not funny... in ANY kind of way!!
See.... I don't get it!!
There is a TV series out there called "Incoceivable", where the IF struggles of couples are presented through a series of "funny" events... Like: "Oops, we mixed up the embryos and the A/A couple are having a white baby!" and many more.
I get so mad at this I don't think I can even put it into words but I will try.
First of all, who the H*ll is their scientific advisor?
In which countries do these "mix ups" happen??? Certainly NOT where I live so if indeed they happen in the USA (where the series is made) then I am sorry to say, YOU ARE SO BEHIND IN THAT AREA!!!
Half the things they say and present as "facts" in these series, are NOT true thus they are feeding b*llshit to the public and terrible misinformation.
I am sorry but I don't get it! How can something like this be allowed and they don't get sued when Starbucks had to put a warning on each and every paper cup that your HOT coffee is INDEED hot and may burn your mouth if you gobble it down!?
I mean, PUH-LEEZ!!!
No offence to my American friends, you know how much I love you but things like these make me question some people's I.Q.!!!!
The series seems to imply that the doctors and nurses working for this center of ART, are more interested in getting into each other's panties, that they totally screw up work-wise... and I feel SO sorry for those TV patients who go there, placing their dreams in a doctor's hands every cycle...
Would you watch a TV series that made fun of cancer???
Where people would go to a hospital to be treated for terminal cancer but where the doctors totally messed up and then went "oops". Would you find THAT funny in any way??
I bet you wouldn't because I bet you know of someone who died of cancer or maybe its something that still MIGHT happen to you (God forbid).
But infertility??
Hey! I mean, you just think, that its JUST that you can't have kids.
Big deal. Adopt one!! Right?
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!!!!!!!!!
Infertility is a DISEASE of the body and the mind much like cancer!
Its debilitating, its viscious and it affects EVERYONE around you... and in so many levels you won't believe and guess what? Its spreading!! It might happen to your children or your grandchilren, male and female and its certainly not funny.
Just one look at the faces of women and men who go through ART procedures in order to achieve what others have achieved with no trouble (and good for them, no hard feelings for crying out loud!)
A baby all of your own!!
You take one look at them, at real people, people next door, people you work with, who sleep and wake and breathe with the hope of a child or a pregnancy and you will know its not funny at all.
You cannot learn to live with it... there is no "life" as we know it with infertility in play. Just like your whole perception of life changes if you find out you are dying of cancer.. its like that.
So when you make a "comedy" out of something so serious as infertility, I am sorry, but I think you ARE A MORON!!! (who apparently has never gone through IF)
All I can do is shake my head at you and feel sorry for you... because apparently you were born with only half a brain and no heart.
I am infertile but at least I am whole...
Shame on you!!!
There is a TV series out there called "Incoceivable", where the IF struggles of couples are presented through a series of "funny" events... Like: "Oops, we mixed up the embryos and the A/A couple are having a white baby!" and many more.
I get so mad at this I don't think I can even put it into words but I will try.
First of all, who the H*ll is their scientific advisor?
In which countries do these "mix ups" happen??? Certainly NOT where I live so if indeed they happen in the USA (where the series is made) then I am sorry to say, YOU ARE SO BEHIND IN THAT AREA!!!
Half the things they say and present as "facts" in these series, are NOT true thus they are feeding b*llshit to the public and terrible misinformation.
I am sorry but I don't get it! How can something like this be allowed and they don't get sued when Starbucks had to put a warning on each and every paper cup that your HOT coffee is INDEED hot and may burn your mouth if you gobble it down!?
I mean, PUH-LEEZ!!!
No offence to my American friends, you know how much I love you but things like these make me question some people's I.Q.!!!!
The series seems to imply that the doctors and nurses working for this center of ART, are more interested in getting into each other's panties, that they totally screw up work-wise... and I feel SO sorry for those TV patients who go there, placing their dreams in a doctor's hands every cycle...
Would you watch a TV series that made fun of cancer???
Where people would go to a hospital to be treated for terminal cancer but where the doctors totally messed up and then went "oops". Would you find THAT funny in any way??
I bet you wouldn't because I bet you know of someone who died of cancer or maybe its something that still MIGHT happen to you (God forbid).
But infertility??
Hey! I mean, you just think, that its JUST that you can't have kids.
Big deal. Adopt one!! Right?
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!!!!!!!!!
Infertility is a DISEASE of the body and the mind much like cancer!
Its debilitating, its viscious and it affects EVERYONE around you... and in so many levels you won't believe and guess what? Its spreading!! It might happen to your children or your grandchilren, male and female and its certainly not funny.
Just one look at the faces of women and men who go through ART procedures in order to achieve what others have achieved with no trouble (and good for them, no hard feelings for crying out loud!)
A baby all of your own!!
You take one look at them, at real people, people next door, people you work with, who sleep and wake and breathe with the hope of a child or a pregnancy and you will know its not funny at all.
You cannot learn to live with it... there is no "life" as we know it with infertility in play. Just like your whole perception of life changes if you find out you are dying of cancer.. its like that.
So when you make a "comedy" out of something so serious as infertility, I am sorry, but I think you ARE A MORON!!! (who apparently has never gone through IF)
All I can do is shake my head at you and feel sorry for you... because apparently you were born with only half a brain and no heart.
I am infertile but at least I am whole...
Shame on you!!!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Hubby so beautiful...
He came home at 3 like he always does, in a particularly good mood.
I couldn't figure oute why, because I have been hot, and gloomy and irritable all day, mostly because of our financial situation.
We are going to visit some friends who had their baby recently and I promised dessert. Only problem is, I have no money to buy them something.
However in my fridge there is a pan of traditional Greek dessert, with only two pieces missing. The thought crossed my mind that I should just put some pieces in a Tupper and tell them its homemade (hence the lack of a fancy wrapping). I mean... how pathetic is that?
On the other hand it will go to waste, as there is no way either of us will finish it before it goes bad...
But back to my husband.
So he came bouncing in the house and I "wagged" tail like a happy dog at the sight of him. I love my hubby...
He kissed, hugged and playfully nimbled my shoulder and then he plopped on the couch and fell right asleep.
I didn't blame him. He was up since 5am and drove a long way in our very old, without A/C, car, in afternoon traffic to get here... so I let him sleep while I went about getting my veal and mashed potatoes ready...
It wasn't long before I too was plopped on the couch right along with him, reading my new book (Incoincivable), when my eyes wandered and fell on his sleeping form, all 6 feet of him in his white t-shirt and white underwear... his skin, darker than mine, (we are often referred to as the chocolate and vanilla couple - not because he is A/A, but because I am as white as milk!) was in contrast to the white couch and white underwear... I loved his his legs, which are quite long, are covered in fine hairs in just the right amount. He does not look like an ape, but he is hairy... in just the right way a manly man should be in my opinionn.
One of the things I absolutely love about him, are his long, long delicate fingers. Not feminine delicate, but strong delicate... the hands of someone with just the right balance of romanticism and silent strength.
I also love how long his eyelashes are and I often wish our children will inherit them.
These are the eyelashes those Maybeline models on TV are trying very hard (with the firm's help) to achieve (but to no avail - sorry girls!)
His hair is dark brown. Not black! Just dark brown and straight and he has a full head of it. This is the kind of hair that says "I won't go bald until I'm 70!" and I like that too!!
His nose is straight but not long... just the right length. Its not bulbous and its not flat. Its ... just right!
He has dark eyebrows that are neither too thick or too feminine and are long, going over the entire eye. They usually rest in an almost straight line on his brow and I love that; it gives him a child-like apperance!
His mouth is small but with full lips and I love how he smiles. He has straight teeth! When he smiles, he get dimples on his cheeks!! So cute!
And then we come to his eyes, which are closed in sweet slumber at the moment.
They are a dark, chocolate brown and their shape is almond... not cat like! Just almond shape.. He is my chocolate man! And I so love almost milk chocolate!!
His eyes are "tender" as my mother once said. I love brown eyes because they always seem so warm, like hot coccoa... and my husband's eyes are just that... you could drown in them and they are big, big, big too!!
People often tell us we look like brother and sister. We have many common features. Our noses are similar, our eyes are the same shape, we both have the same long lashes (though his are richer) and our mouth and face shapes are similar too.
The say good couples look alike...
We have our differences. Some times it feels like we want the same things but have totally opposite ways of achieving them.
He is more reserved, less dangerous and more trusting than I am.
I will go straight for what I want and won't stop until I get it but I will change tactics to suit my needs and situations.
He will go after what he wants, slowly, kindly, in the same fashion, over and over again and then he will wait for it patiently until it lands right on his lap.
He is willing to wait, I am not. I want it and I want it yesterday!! And I will get it at every cost...
He is more willing to let things go than I am...
Also (and thats my only regret) he almost never judges me whilst I am more than ready to judge or some times to belittle him in my anger... But he takes it in stride and I then feel terrible about it.
He too has his outbursts, I am not a total bitch you know. His anger will flame and he will fly off the handle in an instant. He seems to think that every conversation is a debate he must win and its really hard to talk to him about things, especially when it comes to money (he is very insecure about that but a good spender). I must find the right time and place to make conversation if I want any chance of it going remotely well.
But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, we love each other, we are in love with each other and we will sleep, tightly holding each other.
I feel... empty without him and I cannot imagine my life without him. Its like he is not a person anymore but an extension of my own self very much needed and essential to life, like my heart or my lungs.
I sometimes wonder what the future will bring and I wish we will be together and pull through the tides, twists and turns of time and if we will grow old and die together, like my grandparents did.
The fact that my parents are divorced and my fear I have more of my mother than I wish to admit, inside of me, scares me to death.
I hate how sometimes I feel let down, when we are facing a problem and he seems to be doing nothing.. is he really doing nothing? Or is this brain of his working overtime to solve it, while I go flailing about frantically working on a solution?
I don't know.. but I know my mom was like that and she always felt let down by my father.
True both my husband and father share a more relaxed view of life than I do.. but what makes me think my view is the proper one?
At least I am willing to talk and sort things out... my mom wasn't.
But I do remember a time when they were kissing by the fridge and she looked happy.
Now she says she never loved him or wanted to marry him... and I wonder.
If that love could grow could over the years, will mine too?
Will I ten years from now, throw him out like she did?
I pray to God to give me the wisdom and the strength and everything else I might need to keep this love alive, this marriage alive, this family together, because no matter how different we are, I have a wonderful hubby that many women can only dream of or read about in Harlequins...
And he is good looking too!! (slight pot belly and all!)
I got really lucky first time around... how many women can say that?
I know my mom can't...
For the Love of George I would do anything!
I couldn't figure oute why, because I have been hot, and gloomy and irritable all day, mostly because of our financial situation.
We are going to visit some friends who had their baby recently and I promised dessert. Only problem is, I have no money to buy them something.
However in my fridge there is a pan of traditional Greek dessert, with only two pieces missing. The thought crossed my mind that I should just put some pieces in a Tupper and tell them its homemade (hence the lack of a fancy wrapping). I mean... how pathetic is that?
On the other hand it will go to waste, as there is no way either of us will finish it before it goes bad...
But back to my husband.
So he came bouncing in the house and I "wagged" tail like a happy dog at the sight of him. I love my hubby...
He kissed, hugged and playfully nimbled my shoulder and then he plopped on the couch and fell right asleep.
I didn't blame him. He was up since 5am and drove a long way in our very old, without A/C, car, in afternoon traffic to get here... so I let him sleep while I went about getting my veal and mashed potatoes ready...
It wasn't long before I too was plopped on the couch right along with him, reading my new book (Incoincivable), when my eyes wandered and fell on his sleeping form, all 6 feet of him in his white t-shirt and white underwear... his skin, darker than mine, (we are often referred to as the chocolate and vanilla couple - not because he is A/A, but because I am as white as milk!) was in contrast to the white couch and white underwear... I loved his his legs, which are quite long, are covered in fine hairs in just the right amount. He does not look like an ape, but he is hairy... in just the right way a manly man should be in my opinionn.
One of the things I absolutely love about him, are his long, long delicate fingers. Not feminine delicate, but strong delicate... the hands of someone with just the right balance of romanticism and silent strength.
I also love how long his eyelashes are and I often wish our children will inherit them.
These are the eyelashes those Maybeline models on TV are trying very hard (with the firm's help) to achieve (but to no avail - sorry girls!)
His hair is dark brown. Not black! Just dark brown and straight and he has a full head of it. This is the kind of hair that says "I won't go bald until I'm 70!" and I like that too!!
His nose is straight but not long... just the right length. Its not bulbous and its not flat. Its ... just right!
He has dark eyebrows that are neither too thick or too feminine and are long, going over the entire eye. They usually rest in an almost straight line on his brow and I love that; it gives him a child-like apperance!
His mouth is small but with full lips and I love how he smiles. He has straight teeth! When he smiles, he get dimples on his cheeks!! So cute!
And then we come to his eyes, which are closed in sweet slumber at the moment.
They are a dark, chocolate brown and their shape is almond... not cat like! Just almond shape.. He is my chocolate man! And I so love almost milk chocolate!!
His eyes are "tender" as my mother once said. I love brown eyes because they always seem so warm, like hot coccoa... and my husband's eyes are just that... you could drown in them and they are big, big, big too!!
People often tell us we look like brother and sister. We have many common features. Our noses are similar, our eyes are the same shape, we both have the same long lashes (though his are richer) and our mouth and face shapes are similar too.
The say good couples look alike...
We have our differences. Some times it feels like we want the same things but have totally opposite ways of achieving them.
He is more reserved, less dangerous and more trusting than I am.
I will go straight for what I want and won't stop until I get it but I will change tactics to suit my needs and situations.
He will go after what he wants, slowly, kindly, in the same fashion, over and over again and then he will wait for it patiently until it lands right on his lap.
He is willing to wait, I am not. I want it and I want it yesterday!! And I will get it at every cost...
He is more willing to let things go than I am...
Also (and thats my only regret) he almost never judges me whilst I am more than ready to judge or some times to belittle him in my anger... But he takes it in stride and I then feel terrible about it.
He too has his outbursts, I am not a total bitch you know. His anger will flame and he will fly off the handle in an instant. He seems to think that every conversation is a debate he must win and its really hard to talk to him about things, especially when it comes to money (he is very insecure about that but a good spender). I must find the right time and place to make conversation if I want any chance of it going remotely well.
But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, we love each other, we are in love with each other and we will sleep, tightly holding each other.
I feel... empty without him and I cannot imagine my life without him. Its like he is not a person anymore but an extension of my own self very much needed and essential to life, like my heart or my lungs.
I sometimes wonder what the future will bring and I wish we will be together and pull through the tides, twists and turns of time and if we will grow old and die together, like my grandparents did.
The fact that my parents are divorced and my fear I have more of my mother than I wish to admit, inside of me, scares me to death.
I hate how sometimes I feel let down, when we are facing a problem and he seems to be doing nothing.. is he really doing nothing? Or is this brain of his working overtime to solve it, while I go flailing about frantically working on a solution?
I don't know.. but I know my mom was like that and she always felt let down by my father.
True both my husband and father share a more relaxed view of life than I do.. but what makes me think my view is the proper one?
At least I am willing to talk and sort things out... my mom wasn't.
But I do remember a time when they were kissing by the fridge and she looked happy.
Now she says she never loved him or wanted to marry him... and I wonder.
If that love could grow could over the years, will mine too?
Will I ten years from now, throw him out like she did?
I pray to God to give me the wisdom and the strength and everything else I might need to keep this love alive, this marriage alive, this family together, because no matter how different we are, I have a wonderful hubby that many women can only dream of or read about in Harlequins...
And he is good looking too!! (slight pot belly and all!)
I got really lucky first time around... how many women can say that?
I know my mom can't...
For the Love of George I would do anything!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Sometimes I think pregnancy is the easy part
Do you ever wonder what exactly is it that made you want children in the first place?
Hormones?
They way we were brought up as little girls?
Always told one day we would have kids because that's what we're supposed to do?
Or is it something that came in our X chromosome, along with our hair and eye color and pre-dispositon to certain things?
Personally I think its a combination of all of those, that made me wanna have kids ever since I was about 30 inches tall. What stopped me from having them sooner than 27, was logic (and a two year battle with infertility)...
The knowledge I couldnt' possibly bring a child into the world at the age of 17 or 19 or 21, or at least before I put a roof over our heads and before I learned how to stand on my own two feet and fend for myself.
I think I managed that and found a father for them, when I got married at 23... so when we started trying, my sole drive had been ... motherhood!!
I was finally close to my dream.
As fate would have it, it took a while and more than the two of us but hey, we managed and all that is behind us now.
Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant most of the time. Ok I do have my nagging times when my pelvis hurts, or when I can't sleep... when morning (all day long) sickness comes, when I have to pee every hour or so while watching a movie at the cinema but hey, my choice, right? I mean, I wanted this.
Have you really ever thought past pregnancy? I mean really thought about what happens when that child is no longer inside of you but becomes an individual?
Sure you might say... I am thinking newborns, diapers, first Christmas, first birthday... pink bows and cute tiny baseball outfits. Playgrounds, kindergarten... Sure I have thought about it.
I have too. Only most of the times my dreams venture elsewhere. I think about sleepless nights when I can't soothe my children and I feel like a terrible, terrible person because a) I can't take their crying away and make them happy again and b) because inspite all my love and devotion for my children there are times I wished them gone, even for a few hours so I could ... just... get... some... sleep!!!
I dream about twins crawling... in different directions, both equally dangerous, and me all alone smack dab in the middle trying to figure out who is crawling the fastest so I can grab him first.
I'm thinking no more movies with friends, no more staying up, dancing all night... I will be a mom and do mommy stuff... and sometimes, just sometimes, the thought terrifies me.
What if I screw up? What if my kids grow up to be villains? What if they hate me!? How will I keep them safe from the worries and the harms of this world?
But then, my pregnant, hormonal brain quiets down and I think that most of my mommy friends seem happy in their new roles. They hook up with more mommies and they become a happy mommy group. They enjoy their children and still love them after a sleepless night. And if they can do it, heck, maybe just maybe, I will manage too!!
Then a new thought pops in my head and its even more convincing. God, choose me to carry these babies and be their mommy and surely He knows better and sees further than lowly me. So surely, He wouldn't put this upon my shoulders if He didn't know they were strong enough.
But was it really God who chose me, or did He too got tired of my constant praying for a child that He decided much as I will do in the future, to just get me what I want so I would quit this insesant nagging?
And in case you are wondering, you are a mommy since the time you conceive. You show all the mommy characteristics anyway.
Suddenly yourself means nothing as long as your child is alright.
You provide for him by taking care of his environment (your body).
You worry about him, you sing to him, you buy him stuff, you want only the best for him and you love, love, love, love him with all the power of your little heart. You would give your own life just to make sure his has spared and you try to build an environment where he will live comfortably and happy for a long, long time...
And hey... this love is blind 'cause you haven't even met the kid yet... but your love and your bond is so strong that nothing, ever will break it...
My doctor recently told me that motherhood is a blank check and he is so right...
I even told my husband that if something would go wrong during delivery they should choose the babies over me... period!!
Yeah motherhood frightens me at times.. but somehow, I am sure... almost... that I will manage. All I need now, is a good nanny!! (and a lasting prescription for Valium... and some earplugs and...)
Sweet dreams boys!
Love,
Mom
Hormones?
They way we were brought up as little girls?
Always told one day we would have kids because that's what we're supposed to do?
Or is it something that came in our X chromosome, along with our hair and eye color and pre-dispositon to certain things?
Personally I think its a combination of all of those, that made me wanna have kids ever since I was about 30 inches tall. What stopped me from having them sooner than 27, was logic (and a two year battle with infertility)...
The knowledge I couldnt' possibly bring a child into the world at the age of 17 or 19 or 21, or at least before I put a roof over our heads and before I learned how to stand on my own two feet and fend for myself.
I think I managed that and found a father for them, when I got married at 23... so when we started trying, my sole drive had been ... motherhood!!
I was finally close to my dream.
As fate would have it, it took a while and more than the two of us but hey, we managed and all that is behind us now.
Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant most of the time. Ok I do have my nagging times when my pelvis hurts, or when I can't sleep... when morning (all day long) sickness comes, when I have to pee every hour or so while watching a movie at the cinema but hey, my choice, right? I mean, I wanted this.
Have you really ever thought past pregnancy? I mean really thought about what happens when that child is no longer inside of you but becomes an individual?
Sure you might say... I am thinking newborns, diapers, first Christmas, first birthday... pink bows and cute tiny baseball outfits. Playgrounds, kindergarten... Sure I have thought about it.
I have too. Only most of the times my dreams venture elsewhere. I think about sleepless nights when I can't soothe my children and I feel like a terrible, terrible person because a) I can't take their crying away and make them happy again and b) because inspite all my love and devotion for my children there are times I wished them gone, even for a few hours so I could ... just... get... some... sleep!!!
I dream about twins crawling... in different directions, both equally dangerous, and me all alone smack dab in the middle trying to figure out who is crawling the fastest so I can grab him first.
I'm thinking no more movies with friends, no more staying up, dancing all night... I will be a mom and do mommy stuff... and sometimes, just sometimes, the thought terrifies me.
What if I screw up? What if my kids grow up to be villains? What if they hate me!? How will I keep them safe from the worries and the harms of this world?
But then, my pregnant, hormonal brain quiets down and I think that most of my mommy friends seem happy in their new roles. They hook up with more mommies and they become a happy mommy group. They enjoy their children and still love them after a sleepless night. And if they can do it, heck, maybe just maybe, I will manage too!!
Then a new thought pops in my head and its even more convincing. God, choose me to carry these babies and be their mommy and surely He knows better and sees further than lowly me. So surely, He wouldn't put this upon my shoulders if He didn't know they were strong enough.
But was it really God who chose me, or did He too got tired of my constant praying for a child that He decided much as I will do in the future, to just get me what I want so I would quit this insesant nagging?
And in case you are wondering, you are a mommy since the time you conceive. You show all the mommy characteristics anyway.
Suddenly yourself means nothing as long as your child is alright.
You provide for him by taking care of his environment (your body).
You worry about him, you sing to him, you buy him stuff, you want only the best for him and you love, love, love, love him with all the power of your little heart. You would give your own life just to make sure his has spared and you try to build an environment where he will live comfortably and happy for a long, long time...
And hey... this love is blind 'cause you haven't even met the kid yet... but your love and your bond is so strong that nothing, ever will break it...
My doctor recently told me that motherhood is a blank check and he is so right...
I even told my husband that if something would go wrong during delivery they should choose the babies over me... period!!
Yeah motherhood frightens me at times.. but somehow, I am sure... almost... that I will manage. All I need now, is a good nanny!! (and a lasting prescription for Valium... and some earplugs and...)
Sweet dreams boys!
Love,
Mom
Saturday, June 25, 2005
OMG! My husband is pregnant!!
I have been having "husband" and household problems for a while now... in fact, since I became pregnant! You probably have noticed, reading some of my rants about my husband earlier...
I have been trying really, really hard to understand him. WHY is he acting like this all of a sudden?
WHY will he sleep and sleep and sleep, when there's work to be done and NO money (unless the job is done!)??
Why all of a sudden he is this changed person that seems to care about NOTHING, worries about everything but really does nothing about it?
And then I figured it out!
My husband is PREGNANT!!
I heard it once or twice, about husbands "acting" pregnant while their wives really were pregnant but I thought of it as something of an urban myth.
Not so!!
He was so hard working, so full of energy before I got pregnant and now all of a sudden, I can't work as much as I did, so we suffer financially and instead of him picking up the slack, he quits now of all times, his second job, comes home and sleeps the day away and refuses to do any paying job but prefers to sit at the computer the rest of the day, just surfing the net or constantly being involved with a free computer forum someone dumped on him.
I had tried long and hard to understand his point of view. But as the months roll by and our financial situation is becoming worse, my tummy bigger and our unpaid bills more and more, my anger is also inflating...
I keep asking him how will we manage, how are we going to find $$$ to buy at least the very basics for the babies (at this point let me say that all my fancy dreams about getting them the "best" have flown out the window.. I will be happy with the "cheapest") and he just shrugs it away! So I came to the conclusion that he thinks being pregnant is something that happens to the father too... only he got it all wrong. Pregnancy happens first in the father's wallet... but it seems to him its happening in his head!!
Its like he suddenly became pregnant and even has my symptoms. He sleeps all day, only has time for the "fun" stuff, avoids the telephones because he has unfinished projects and people actually chase after him to get what they are paying for... sometimes its just too much.
Even his own mother does not recognize him!!
I said, ok its phase he will grow out it.. but the months roll by and no change.
And all this time this worry builds up inside of me as the unpaid bills pile up and I wonder how I will find the money... I work little by little but I am just NOT making enough and I can't work more hours!! I need his financial input too!
The funny thing is, the guy that dumped the computer forum that takes up all his free time, on his lap, did so because he had to find a 9-5 job because his wife is pregnant and can't work anymore!!!!!
I mean, COME ON!!!
The unpaid bills and the sudden deflation of my "best of everything for my babies" dreams, have lead me to believe its all my fault. I am not working enough and now its the time I should be working more and more to cover the needs of the kiddos. I feel guilty when I have no energy or when my pelvis hurts so much I can't sit in a chair for another minute, and I don't work. I feel like I should be working and working and working... When what I really should be doing is enjoying this pregnancy.
I don't mind not buying the "best" for my kids. Right now the cheapest will do and I know some of my family will chip in and get most of the stuff we need. If I have to, I will buy second hand or get hand me downs... Not really what I had in mind for my boys, not really how I had this pregnancy all planned in my head but hey... I am a flexible person.. Plans change and in the end it doesn't matter where the kids will sleep or if they get matching outfits or if their diapers are Pampers or no-name from the bulk store, as long as they get some type of bed, something to wear and something to keep them mostly dry at night.
I will manage...
However I can't help it but to be choked up in tears sometimes when I see my dreams of a matching everything baby room or the wonderful twin stroller I wanted to buy or those wonderfully painted cribs, wash away. Its probably pregnancy hormones and besides I will need that money to pay the hospital anyway (praying that my babies don't need to stay in the NICU!!) and in the end what's more important? My babies' health or the matching quilt and bumper set from Carter's John Lennon collection?
Yeah... we'll be alright, just the boys and me. We'll be a team, they'll understand and I really don't need more than the 2 maternity pants I have, the 3 maternity bras, the two pairs of comfy underwear and the 4 t-shirts, right? Its wash one, wear the other anyway. Two is enough.
And ok, I don't really need new shoes just because my feet are swollen and bigger, I can just wear my flip flops all summer. Who will notice?
Heck! I don't even need to repair the car brakes my husband broke. They are squeaky but they work... more often than not. And I CERTAINLY don't need to go to a movie once a week either or fill up the super market cart with crap like, flavored corn flakes and extra fruit. The regular no name brand will do just fine. Besides, I am fat, I could use to loose some weight..
And I will get to pay my bills and my insurance this month somehow... and heck, if they cut the electricity, maybe my husband will have to leave the house and actually get someplace with electricity and get some work done and bring home some $$$.
And lastly, we don't really need to convert the one room we have in our tiny appartment into a baby room! Hubby's computers can stay... we can put the babies's cribs by the patio door in our living room (which is connected to the kitchen, its one big room actually). They will get plenty of sun and they will learn to live with the TV or radio on and sleep through anything. And when they grow up we can send them to live with my mother in law. She has a spare room in her house... or will have once my sister in law moves out!!
The important thing is that I have my health and my sanity.... right? RIGHT??
I have been trying really, really hard to understand him. WHY is he acting like this all of a sudden?
WHY will he sleep and sleep and sleep, when there's work to be done and NO money (unless the job is done!)??
Why all of a sudden he is this changed person that seems to care about NOTHING, worries about everything but really does nothing about it?
And then I figured it out!
My husband is PREGNANT!!
I heard it once or twice, about husbands "acting" pregnant while their wives really were pregnant but I thought of it as something of an urban myth.
Not so!!
He was so hard working, so full of energy before I got pregnant and now all of a sudden, I can't work as much as I did, so we suffer financially and instead of him picking up the slack, he quits now of all times, his second job, comes home and sleeps the day away and refuses to do any paying job but prefers to sit at the computer the rest of the day, just surfing the net or constantly being involved with a free computer forum someone dumped on him.
I had tried long and hard to understand his point of view. But as the months roll by and our financial situation is becoming worse, my tummy bigger and our unpaid bills more and more, my anger is also inflating...
I keep asking him how will we manage, how are we going to find $$$ to buy at least the very basics for the babies (at this point let me say that all my fancy dreams about getting them the "best" have flown out the window.. I will be happy with the "cheapest") and he just shrugs it away! So I came to the conclusion that he thinks being pregnant is something that happens to the father too... only he got it all wrong. Pregnancy happens first in the father's wallet... but it seems to him its happening in his head!!
Its like he suddenly became pregnant and even has my symptoms. He sleeps all day, only has time for the "fun" stuff, avoids the telephones because he has unfinished projects and people actually chase after him to get what they are paying for... sometimes its just too much.
Even his own mother does not recognize him!!
I said, ok its phase he will grow out it.. but the months roll by and no change.
And all this time this worry builds up inside of me as the unpaid bills pile up and I wonder how I will find the money... I work little by little but I am just NOT making enough and I can't work more hours!! I need his financial input too!
The funny thing is, the guy that dumped the computer forum that takes up all his free time, on his lap, did so because he had to find a 9-5 job because his wife is pregnant and can't work anymore!!!!!
I mean, COME ON!!!
The unpaid bills and the sudden deflation of my "best of everything for my babies" dreams, have lead me to believe its all my fault. I am not working enough and now its the time I should be working more and more to cover the needs of the kiddos. I feel guilty when I have no energy or when my pelvis hurts so much I can't sit in a chair for another minute, and I don't work. I feel like I should be working and working and working... When what I really should be doing is enjoying this pregnancy.
I don't mind not buying the "best" for my kids. Right now the cheapest will do and I know some of my family will chip in and get most of the stuff we need. If I have to, I will buy second hand or get hand me downs... Not really what I had in mind for my boys, not really how I had this pregnancy all planned in my head but hey... I am a flexible person.. Plans change and in the end it doesn't matter where the kids will sleep or if they get matching outfits or if their diapers are Pampers or no-name from the bulk store, as long as they get some type of bed, something to wear and something to keep them mostly dry at night.
I will manage...
However I can't help it but to be choked up in tears sometimes when I see my dreams of a matching everything baby room or the wonderful twin stroller I wanted to buy or those wonderfully painted cribs, wash away. Its probably pregnancy hormones and besides I will need that money to pay the hospital anyway (praying that my babies don't need to stay in the NICU!!) and in the end what's more important? My babies' health or the matching quilt and bumper set from Carter's John Lennon collection?
Yeah... we'll be alright, just the boys and me. We'll be a team, they'll understand and I really don't need more than the 2 maternity pants I have, the 3 maternity bras, the two pairs of comfy underwear and the 4 t-shirts, right? Its wash one, wear the other anyway. Two is enough.
And ok, I don't really need new shoes just because my feet are swollen and bigger, I can just wear my flip flops all summer. Who will notice?
Heck! I don't even need to repair the car brakes my husband broke. They are squeaky but they work... more often than not. And I CERTAINLY don't need to go to a movie once a week either or fill up the super market cart with crap like, flavored corn flakes and extra fruit. The regular no name brand will do just fine. Besides, I am fat, I could use to loose some weight..
And I will get to pay my bills and my insurance this month somehow... and heck, if they cut the electricity, maybe my husband will have to leave the house and actually get someplace with electricity and get some work done and bring home some $$$.
And lastly, we don't really need to convert the one room we have in our tiny appartment into a baby room! Hubby's computers can stay... we can put the babies's cribs by the patio door in our living room (which is connected to the kitchen, its one big room actually). They will get plenty of sun and they will learn to live with the TV or radio on and sleep through anything. And when they grow up we can send them to live with my mother in law. She has a spare room in her house... or will have once my sister in law moves out!!
The important thing is that I have my health and my sanity.... right? RIGHT??
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