Monday, April 16, 2007

Here we go... again

Its been a while since I wrote something but thats because I have been crazy busy and other than your regular day to day troubles, things had been pretty good for a while...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"

And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.

If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).

He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.

Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.

And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.

And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?

I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.

Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?

Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...

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