Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Psycho Bitch is loose!!

I suppose I should start this post by saying that last week I heard the heart beat and saw my baby in Ultrasound. It was the sweetest sound in the world...
My baby measured exactly 7w 2d and was 11mm long.
Everything would have been perfect if I didn't have all day long nausea with dry heaves... Its amazing that even the thought of certain foods or even if I touch something, I just about ready to throw up!! I don't really mind throwing up but this "in between" thing, I do hate!! Needless to say, I feel crappy!!

Now, this post is supposed to be about Psycho Bitch... I don't know what to do with her... I wonder if she had always been in me or she got "conceived" along with the baby...?
She comes out especially when I sleep and shouts and screams and punches people around and disturbs my sleep... And sometimes she comes out when I am awake.
She takes over my body and my brain and my voice and I (she) scream and yell and get all round up for trivial things.

Mostly I hate my husband and my mother in law.
Hubby feels "spread out" like thinned butter. He puts everything above me and is gone all day, visiting friends, running errands (for others) and I only get to see him 2 hours a day. He comes home at around 10pm, demands food and falls dead on the couch.
I am alone all day... Needless to say hubby brings no money in the house... However he will ask for things on a regular basis...

I am left all alone all day, especially if I am sick. Apparently I am too whinny... Well, maybe I am!
I am supposed to be pampered but hubby does nothing (except asking how I feel but not actually doing anything about it).

Today he told me again he will be gone all day. Yesterday he was on duty so I haven't seen him in 28 hours. I was waiting for him like nuts only to be told to have his lunch ready because he had to leave immediately because he promised a friend he would visit his new job.
I am so angry!!! He said its better to do it today so tomorrow he can come to the U/S.
Well, I don't want him to!! He is only interested in the fun stuff and he appears like such an involved parent to be when every time I am sick or not feeling well, he steps out.

I don't CARE if he can't deal with it because he is "too sensitive" or too scared!! He is a MAN for crying out loud!! He should act like a man. I feel like I am mothering him at times... And then Psycho Bitch jumps out and he complains of course that I am being a bitch... Well, DUH!! You are acting like a 3 year old! GROW UP!!!

Ok enough venting.. Psycho Tina is hungry... I need food!!!
I swear my stomach also developed a brain of its own... what is this? A pregnancy or the return of the Body Snatchers?!

Monday, April 18, 2005

7 weeks and counting...

Hooray! I am 7 weeks today! How cool is that? So far, so good!!
Except I am positively STARVING all the time... well, every two hours at least.
I get queasy if I don't eat something, usually some bread or a cracker... or six pancakes!! So embarassed about that! But only part is my fault. I had my lunch at 2.30 pm and then it was 8.30 pm with nothing to eat all those hours. I was miserable, not because I craved something but because I was feeling like I was going to throw up at any minute.
In a sense I can't wait for this baby to grow up and compress my stomach so I stop eating... though I am pretty sure if I get there, I will whine about it just the same...

On Wednesday at 6w2d, we had a scan. I had a pain that wrapped around my lower back since last Monday that got progressively worse. George grabbed and dragged me to the doctor on Wednesday. The scan was so funny. I was a nervous wreck! This was the scan that would either make us very happy or devastate us. This time we found the baby right away since he had grown! And there it was, a flicker... a heart beating away fast and steady. My baby is alive!!!
The doctor had to push on my belly to get a better reading but I was such a knot that it took me 2 minutes to hear what the doctor was saying which was "relax your belly muscles so I can see the baby".

All was well and we got an appointment for the 28th... The pain btw seems to be my kidney so I need to look into that since I do have some kidney problems since birth.

So I made it to 7 weeks... the only problem is that I can't seem to bond with my little one. I can pray about him, talk about him and I dream about him, but when I am awake I can't seem to talk to him or think about him. Except some minor inconveniences, I feel good... not pregnant!!
I am not sure why I feel like that... a little detached. Am I trying to protect myself? Or will I be more "motherly" when I feel him kick?
So far my only connection with him are the scans... am I abnormal? However I do dream about him every night! He has my (big, cartoonish) eyes!! And cute lips!

I cannot wait for my next sonogram which is Wednesday.
Ok I need a nap. If I don't get enough sleep, I cannot keep my eyes open during the day.
Sweet dreams!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Pregnancy Resolutions!

6w 1d Pregnant - Morning Sickness hit! But only AFTER I have eatten!! I have also become squeamish! ME?! I almost threw up while looking at a placenta! While in Medical School, we would eat pizza two tables away from our cadaver; we had grown SO used to it. But my stomach has grown a brain of its own since then... I see blood and I go "Ewwww". Blame it on pregnancy hormones..

I still have my days of positive thinking and of negative thinking... but then I read somewhere that if you think positive, the outcome is more likely to be positive and that I should focus on my child instead in all of the things that can go wrong...
So I made up a list of pregnancy resolutions to help me along the way:

  • A miscarriage is possible and most times, totally out of your control.
  • Just because your friend, mother, on-line buddy had one, doesn't mean you are going to have one too!
  • A lot of things can go wrong, but more women have healthy pregnancies than not.
  • Think positive and you increase your chances of a positive outcome..
  • Trust that this is NOT in your hands, but the One whose hands it IS in, is so wise and great and He really, really wants you to have the very best.
  • Every time you hit a milestone, you can be sure you will find something else to worry about later, so enjoy each stage or regret not having celebrated your pregnancy!
  • Instead of focusing on what might go wrong today, focus on what your baby has accomplished today. Mine is growing hands right now!!
  • Take it one day at a time.
  • Be excited about upcoming doctor's visits. Its another chance to see your baby!!
  • Listen to your body.
  • Every time you have a dark thought, replaced it with a happy thought. I keep thinking of my delivery day and the first time I hold my baby!

Oh yeah! And eat some cake ;) It helps!!!



Monday, April 11, 2005

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No... it's a blob!!

The time: Tuesday afternoon 5th April, 5w 1d along
The place: OB/GYN's waiting room
Starring: Tina and George, newly pregnant, and baby Blob (later renamed "Jellybean")

Why is the traffic worse, why can't you find a place to park, why is the doctor late, when you have the most crucial appointments?? We scrambled, cursed the traffic and drove around in circles trying to find a place to park only to arrive sweaty and panting... and forced to wait because the doctor was late. It took an hour until the lady before us finished her visit. What on earth were they talking about? She must have been 55 or 60, what on earth did she want with an OB anyway?? asked my 27 year old brain...

But then our turn came and I forgot all about it.
For those wondering, my 3rd beta came back at 1202! It should have been at least 730 if you remember from last time. Over 1000 you *should* be able to see the baby...
Hubby looked uncomfortable but the doctor soon made him feel better. Then it was time to get ready and start the scan.

The following minutes went by, really, really slowly... I suppose on the outside both me and hubby looked calm (he was wearing his poker face!!) but on the inside my brain was racing, my heart was about to flatline and all I could think of was "please, please be there"... but there was nothing there...
There was my uterus, this white thing on the screen but it was empty. The doc pushed on my belly as he commented it might still be early. Usually, he said, you see something over 1800 units.
No, no doc, I thought. Its 1000 units. Don't try to make me feel better. Where is my baby? There is no baby!!! George's face had gone ashen...
But then one twist of the probe and there it was! My blob! My baby!! In the perfect position!!
I let out my breath which I was holding all this time. The doc smiled and zoomed in. I said out loud "hi baby"... and I thought "please don't leave me".
Right next to our big blob baby was this smaller blob. The baby that didn't make it... but the doc moved the probe quickly and focused on the bigger, more healthy blob...

All smiles I got dressed, booked my next appointment and thanked the doctor, the fear of an ectopic pregnancy gone from mind...

My joy was short lived. We had conquered a milestone, but it was just one.
Our next appointment would check for a heart... and it was 9 days away!!

Maybe I should have asked God for something else... A selective memory wipe!! that way I could get my innosence back and not think about miscarriage...


Monday, April 04, 2005

Have mini-meltdown: Check!

I am 5 weeks today! I actually feel somewhat better generally. I am still very dizzy most times, I still MUST sleep at least 12 hours a day but my ovaries have stopped hurting!!
I am not quite sure this is a good sign or not.
You see when you have what I have (OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), the baby's hormone (HCG) makes it worse. So the more HCG you produce (baby growing) the worse this thing becomes... But mine got better!! I didn't want it get better!! I needed the reassuring, doubling over, I-want-to-die-NOW pain because it meant my baby was still alive... But it got better!!
I immediately mail a friend who had the same thing only when her OHSS got better, she knew it was because she had lost the baby :(
Then I realised I have been taken off the E2 (the hormone that causes OHSS in the first place) and that the day after I stopped it, I felt better. Could this be it? I wondered.

For those who are totally confused by now, E2 concentration is more if you have assisted conception, thus more eggs. Each month usually you produce only one so the E2 concentration is never too high. But if you can't produce an egg (like me) and you do what I did and end up with loads of eggs (8) then your E2 goes through the roof!
Then as a result all your veins and all your capillaries and all your membranes become more permiable (it means they allow fluid to go through them when they should have been holding it in). Then, first your ovaries, then you Douglas Pouch, then your whole abdomen (in severe cases) will fill with water. Of course you are in a lot of pain and it can even be life threatening or lethal if the fluid goes to your lungs or your heart.

In my case, I was put on a protein diet to make my membranes (and veins and capillaries) tougher and keep the fluid it. After my 2nd beta I stopped taking E2 supplements... and then I felt better. And now I am freaking out! WHY AM I NOT IN PAIN!?! I SHOULD BE IN PAIN!!!

So today, I am 5 weeks and I went for my next (crucial) beta.
Your beta numbers should rise at least 60% every 48hrs for your pregnancy to be viable. They must double every 72 hours.
Mine didn't! Though I had strong numbers per se, my 2nd beta only rose 50% within 48hrs... Most often this shows two things: a) you had twins and one didn't make it or b) you are having an ectopic pregnancy (not in your uterus).

When I showed my results to my OB and my RE they both agreed they are more positive than negative about this and that I should repeat my beta but LATER... So somehow I survived the weekend and once again I was back in the lab for my 3rd beta. I will get the results tomorrow. It must be at LEAST 730...

There are times throughout the day when I am so positive... and times that I am just SO negative. WHY do they make you wait for CRUCIAL exam results? Idiots!!! I swear I am changing labs after this test! I wish I could do that earlier but then the results would be skewed since each lab has a different machine, differently calibrated to read results...

But the good news is I am already halfway through my day!!! AND I even did the dishes!!
And trying to keep a +++ frame of mind, I bought a pregnancy book... and I am definitely going insane in the meantime!!

Plus this is a crucial week. Tomorrow and Wednesday I have two U/S planned, one with the OB and one with RE. We SHOULD be able to see my baby... Jesus, what if we don't?
What if its in the wrong place? What if, what if, what if...
Want to hear the worst part? There are NO guarantees until you HOLD your baby, alive and breathing in your arms 9 months later...

Positive frame of mind: I made it to five weeks, I am not bleeding, I am not spotting and I am not cramping unless stupid hubby DIVES into every single bump and hole in the road while driving (memo to self: NEVER let hubby drive me anywhere again! EVER!!).

18 hours to go until I get my results!! (insert praying image here) PLEASE let it be at least 730!! PLEASE, pretty please and PLEASE let me see my baby tomorrow!!!
Thank you God,