Friday, July 29, 2005

And another day begins...

I slept at around 2.30am and woke up two hours later because my bum had gone completely numb!! My OB had just told me not to sleep on my back but the pain of even *trying* to turn on my side, not actually forcing my body to sleep in this position, was e-x-c-r-u-c-i-a-t-i-n-g!!!
Stupid SPD! I swear, its the worst part of this pregnancy!!

Have you ever broken a bone or severely sprained a joint?
Do you remember how the pain drove you blind and made you totally nauseous?? Its one of the worst pains and I put up with it last year for about 6 months when I had the accident and busted my knee.
That's what SPD feels like only its not on a limb you can prop up or somehow not use much... Its right there, your pelvis and no matter what movement you engage in, you have to move your pelvis and until your ligament has gone Jell-O, you don't even know this is actually two pieces of bone.

So when my OB told me not to sleep on my back, I knew it was impossible.
It is the ONLY position I can even get a couple of hours of sleep. I tried turning over onto my side but it was impossible. I screamed bloody murder from the pain until stars were shooting before my very eyes.
However after an only 2 hour nap (which was supposed to be my 6-8 hour sleep at night), my tail bone started hurting like crazy. I could no longer stay in bed so I got up...
But now I could no longer sit down in the couch because... you guessed it!
My tail bone was sore from the pressure!!
So I start walking around the house. I am pretty miserable at this point. I am tired, hot, I had a long day and I have yet another long day ahead of me.
I need to clean the house because the A/C people are coming in to install a new unit and also I am getting my toe nails done because.... you guessed it!
My belly is getting in the way of me cutting my nails and the only shoe I can wear are flip flops which you can't wear unless you have pretty toes...

So here I am sleepless for silly reasons (I mean, it would be ok if a baby woke me up) hot, grumpy, ravenous and worried when George wakes up...
And here we start a fight at 6am because he gained weight (and its my fault) and his white uniform doesn't quite fit him, the shirt is not pure white (apparently he says our washing machine is not working or my choice in cleaning products is poor - however the shirt looked FINE to me plus its brand new and I only washed it once) and a ton of other things.
He is screaming at me at 6am!!

I can understand him being worried about presenting himself in an anything but perfect white uniform and he just got transferred and its his first day in the new service but geez!!
Thankfully I am getting better at handling his crises and me being pregnant and all, he can't hit me or throw something at me... not that he has done it many times, mind you, he is not an ogre!!

Eventually he left for work... and its now 6.50am and here I am, debating whether I should go out now or wait until later and of course I am not feeling my absolute best but hey, I am not complaining.
As soon as the day is done, I will get my sleep. I will even pop a couple of Panadols for the pain and hopefully sleep (upright this time) for 4 hours in the afternoon.

I am off to make me some coffee and start cleaning the house.
Good day everyone

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Did the other shoe drop?

My best friend, Dian, told me that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, when I expressed my pregnancy fears to her. She put it perfectly!!
Dr. Luke's words that when you are carrying twins, not all news will be good news, kept circling in my head these past few weeks and I often wondered what my "bad" would be.

So when today we had our level II anatomy scan, I nearly passed out when the tech told us that there is borderline low amniotic fluid around one baby.
And I heard the virtual shoe drop with a "clonk" on the wooden floor.

Somehow I found my voice and I asked the first question that came to mind: "How are the kidneys, the blood flow to them and the abdomen?"
There was a chance the baby had some malformation or kidney problem and wasn't peeing, thus creating less fluid.
But all was well in that department.

If there is a problem, said the tech, it lies with the placenta.

It is funny how one's perception can change within seconds.
I did have my reservations about this test, like I was expecting to hear something was off.
I had posted several times over the past few days in forums, telling my friends how worried I was. Worried, instead of excited!!
Like I had a feeling something would be off...

We were told to come back for a repeat scan and the first thing I did when I got dressed, was to call my doctor and tell him. He said things were probably fine. I have an appointment with him in two days.
George was white as a sheet and really worried too plus we saw one of the babies actually cry (no sound - sound does not travel in fluid). They do cry in the womb, practising their vocal cords and all. We could see his mouth open and close and his tongue tremble. Amazing!!
George thought he heard crying but I think it was his imagination...

I love my boys so much!!! I don't want anything to happen to them!!
I will do anything, ANYTHING so they can be safe!!
As I sit here and write, they kick me and I hope that means "hey mommy, we are alright, don't worry" .. but telling a mommy not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise each day. It comes with the territory.

I started drinking more water. Its controversial if this actually offers any real benefits but at least I will give it a try. Hopefully on Wednesday we will get a diagnosis too.

Sorry I can't write more, I am exhausted!!
Please pray our little boy pulls out of this as low amniotic fluid can actually be really, really bad for him... even life threatening!!

Thank you in advance for your prayers!!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

... and then you get cold feet!

I am trying to write this as the cat is running around the appartment in a state of frenzy!
His tail is all fluffed up, his eyes open wide and he keeps bolting from one room the next like the Devil is out to get him. Pretty funny really if you consider the fact that he has already tripped over himself two or three times and has managed to knock my Nikes all the way to the hallway!!

I had a peculiar day so far. Slept late, woke up early as George got (noisily) ready to report to the base as he is on duty tonight. I couldn't get back to sleep after he'd left so I just hung around the couch, watching cartoons.

He called me a couple of hours later just as I had decided that I could use another couple of hours of sleep, to give me a "brillian" decorating idea he had... or rather "rearrange the house" idea.

You see, we have a small appartment, with two small bedrooms. The living room, kitchen and balcony are really big but the bathroom and bedrooms are just big enough to be functional, not recreational. I guess the architect who designed the building thought we would be spending most of our time in the living room which we do so as long as a bed and a bookcase fit in the other rooms, well that's all you needed. (btw, thats ALL our bedroom can accommodate, a double bed and a small bookcase)

So you see, we need to empty the second bedroom which now serves as my workroom and George's computer station, and transform it into the nursery.
But the room is packed to the ceiling we stuff and even if I say I will eliminate everything I don't really need, that leaves me with a small problem.
There are about a million things I do need in order to work and I can't stop working because I bring 60% of the family's income into the house and duh, there is no way in Hell to make ends meet without my income.

But George wasn't the least bit worried about that. All he cared about was where he is going to put his computers and router, and wireless whatsa-ya-call-it!!
So he started telling me of his wonderful plan how we will re-arrange the living room so instead of a presentable living room, it would be turned into a crowed, horrible room just so that he can fit his computers in. No mention of where my work stuff will go...

We spent an hour on the phone trying to solve this and of course George reacted in his usual manner when you gave him an objection "Fine, we'll do it your way or rather, I will throw everything out..." and mentally stumped his foot like a 5 year old.
In the end it was decided after my suggestion that the computers will go into our bedroom. The TV will have to go of course but who needs it?
Its ok, I can sleep with radiation all night, right?

So it seems I've managed to keep my living room as is which is a good thing because I had planned for that space near the window, to put the babies' swings there so I can keep an eye on them while still doing chores. If I can afford the swings that is... Because then the subject of money had to be brought up... Apparently I need to raise a few thousand dollars by October because I need to pay for the babies. No mention of what George will do to get more money. He just said "its not the right time to look for a second job right now" and left it at that. I started crying because for a second it all seemed so overwhelming! I told him that maybe he would be better off without me. I should take off and go, he can keep the house and my car and everything, I don't care. It will be better for him without me. He didn't much want the kids anyways so he won't be actually missing something, right? I will be taking a load off his shoulders.

How am I supposed to come up with a whole year's worth of salary in 2 months, still spend my allocated hours on bedrest, still do the housework and on top of paying pretty much everything including the car insurance and repairs on my car which he is driving (and he even ripped the seat fabric the other day to add to the loooong list of damages to my car!) I will need to close out a $4000 loan I had taken out when I was living alone (before getting married) AND save up about $5000-6000 so that I can pay the hospital I will be giving birth to if all goes well, in November.

All that has to be done with my job which is basically selling on eBay! The economy in Greece sucks anyway, no way I am getting a job and if I do it will be a $500 a month job. Wellfare is not available because George makes just enough to surpass the limit and we are not considered "poor" (he makes around $10,000 a year but half each month go towards our mortgage) and NOBODY will hire a heavily pregnant woman and I do mean NOBODY. And with my bedrest orders what kind of job could I possibly be doing that wouldn't endanger my babies??
Except my current job of course which can be done from home and under my rules...

After that I finally went into a fitfull sleep for another two hours when I was awaken by George's mom who thought calling at 4pm is a good idea... well its not! Its "quiet time" here and I am supposed to stay in bed 4 hours a day in addition to the 8-10 I must be sleeping at night, because I have contractions and doc wants me in bed!! And while in bed, I sleep...

Then I got to looking around the appartment realizing that a year from now and imagining how my life will change.
Its so funny when you have been trying for so long, wanting and longing for so long but when the time came, all Hell broke loose and what you knew, no longer stands.
I sometimes feel like an acrobat, trying to keep her balance on a tight rope people keep juggling.
I sometimes wish I could "freeze" time so that I could do more things and then have the babies when I was ready. But you are never ready, are you?
With the economy the way it is in Greece NOBODY has any money any more. I think the Americans would deem us poorer than their poor people and it would be true.
Its not that I, in particular didn't prepare for the babies financially. There was nothing to put aside after the month was done and the pregnancy though we tried, took us by surprise.
I mean, we did try for a baby, but success was not for sure. It hadn't happened in two years why would it work now, you know what I mean?

And besides, I reason, who tells me that next year things will be any better or the year after that? Maybe this was our last chance. Things have certainly be getting steadily worse over the years anyway...

I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of desperation. I silently prayed that God somehow made me not needing any sleep at all and not suffering any side effects when the babies came because my future did not seem anything like a rose colored commercial of baby food.
All I could think about was "how will I find the time and the energy to look after two kids and work at the same time"??
I don't want my mother in law raising my children! This is absolutely out of the question!! She didn't even raise her own kids and she is a weird, mean person sometimes.

How do I work around it? I gotta find a way. How I wish I could grow another set of arms!!
George I don't count on. He seems to be dumping everything on me and only worry about his own stuff. Its not that he doesn't love me but every time he talks to me there is an accusing tone to what he says, like he depended on me and I somehow screwed it up...
At times like these horrible, horrible thoughts cross my mind and I am sure to burn in Hell for them or worse... I keep thinking that I will run away, not for my sake but for his. I am such a burden, I keep thinking. And then the babies kick or move and I am so in love with them!!
I want to move Heaven and Earth for them, and I just can't seem to find a way out. And its all about stupid money. I swear, if I had a time machine I would go back in time and find whoever discovered the damn thing and smack him until his head spin so much, he wouldn't even remember his own name, let alone money.

Sigh... I am off to get some work done I supposed. Not easy when its 100 F in the house. We have no A/C and its a hot, hot summer... But it has to be done.
I just need to keep an eye out for contractions and if I have any, I need to get back in bed...

Wish me luck!


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Count Down is on

Monday, 25th July 2005
Gestational Age 21 weeks
Time: 19.30pm
Place: Embryo Diagnostic Unit
Purpose of visit: Level II Anatomy Scan of Twin Pregnancy

I mean YIKES!!! Could they get me MORE nervous about this??
Only 6 days left... 6-frigging-days-left until....
Until what?
Until I get to see my babies?
Until I get told that my babies are fine, I am feeding them enough, they have all the right parts in all the right places?
Until I get told that no I am actually not feeding them enough and they are starving little skeletons in there?
Or worse?!

Get a grip Tina!!!
Ok mental check!
Had my last scan on week 16. The boys were doing great!
They had nice little brains, ten fingers, ten toes, rib cages, closed spines. Good weight, even measured ahead...
Did I screw up since then?
I mean I don't eat much nowadays. I have no apetite. I even forgot my prenatals a few times and with all the iron supplements I have to get, forget about getting any calcium in since every 4 hours I have to pop an iron pill least I wish to undergo a transfusion!!

I mean surely I must have done something wrong in those 4 weeks since my last scan, that would have catastrophic consequences on my two little ones!!
I am such a horrid mother already!!!

I am also highly hormonal so please excuse me while I go around mopping about my misfortune!
I'll get over it! I hope.

I mean... if there was something wrong, they should have seen it, right?
I saw logn bones and they looked long to me and straight... I saw brains with nice lobes and all. I saw hands and feet and everything. Babies looked... perfect!!
I mean, bad things don't just happen from one day to the next right?

Yet I am freaking out!!
This is the part where my hormone filled brain flips a switch and I go from "Logical" to "irrational" in a matter of miliseconds. You gotta love pregnancy!!
As a matter of fact right now, I do. This is my "calm before the storm" moment... where storm is my 3rd trimester, 7 weeks away, and calm is that I feel quite like a healthy human being again!!

Oh and before I go I decided that if no medical reasons arise, I will demand that I try to deliver my babies vaginally!!
I won't go for an elective c-section though my doc has been pushing for one.
I decided I am too young this is my first pregnancy and I do not wish to be cut unless I absolutely have to... I will give this old body of mine, a chance!!


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

IF is not funny... in ANY kind of way!!

See.... I don't get it!!
There is a TV series out there called "Incoceivable", where the IF struggles of couples are presented through a series of "funny" events... Like: "Oops, we mixed up the embryos and the A/A couple are having a white baby!" and many more.

I get so mad at this I don't think I can even put it into words but I will try.
First of all, who the H*ll is their scientific advisor?
In which countries do these "mix ups" happen??? Certainly NOT where I live so if indeed they happen in the USA (where the series is made) then I am sorry to say, YOU ARE SO BEHIND IN THAT AREA!!!
Half the things they say and present as "facts" in these series, are NOT true thus they are feeding b*llshit to the public and terrible misinformation.

I am sorry but I don't get it! How can something like this be allowed and they don't get sued when Starbucks had to put a warning on each and every paper cup that your HOT coffee is INDEED hot and may burn your mouth if you gobble it down!?
I mean, PUH-LEEZ!!!
No offence to my American friends, you know how much I love you but things like these make me question some people's I.Q.!!!!

The series seems to imply that the doctors and nurses working for this center of ART, are more interested in getting into each other's panties, that they totally screw up work-wise... and I feel SO sorry for those TV patients who go there, placing their dreams in a doctor's hands every cycle...

Would you watch a TV series that made fun of cancer???
Where people would go to a hospital to be treated for terminal cancer but where the doctors totally messed up and then went "oops". Would you find THAT funny in any way??

I bet you wouldn't because I bet you know of someone who died of cancer or maybe its something that still MIGHT happen to you (God forbid).

But infertility??

Hey! I mean, you just think, that its JUST that you can't have kids.
Big deal. Adopt one!! Right?

Infertility is a DISEASE of the body and the mind much like cancer!
Its debilitating, its viscious and it affects EVERYONE around you... and in so many levels you won't believe and guess what? Its spreading!! It might happen to your children or your grandchilren, male and female and its certainly not funny.

Just one look at the faces of women and men who go through ART procedures in order to achieve what others have achieved with no trouble (and good for them, no hard feelings for crying out loud!)
A baby all of your own!!
You take one look at them, at real people, people next door, people you work with, who sleep and wake and breathe with the hope of a child or a pregnancy and you will know its not funny at all.

You cannot learn to live with it... there is no "life" as we know it with infertility in play. Just like your whole perception of life changes if you find out you are dying of cancer.. its like that.

So when you make a "comedy" out of something so serious as infertility, I am sorry, but I think you ARE A MORON!!! (who apparently has never gone through IF)

All I can do is shake my head at you and feel sorry for you... because apparently you were born with only half a brain and no heart.
I am infertile but at least I am whole...

Shame on you!!!

Friday, July 08, 2005

Hubby so beautiful...

He came home at 3 like he always does, in a particularly good mood.
I couldn't figure oute why, because I have been hot, and gloomy and irritable all day, mostly because of our financial situation.
We are going to visit some friends who had their baby recently and I promised dessert. Only problem is, I have no money to buy them something.
However in my fridge there is a pan of traditional Greek dessert, with only two pieces missing. The thought crossed my mind that I should just put some pieces in a Tupper and tell them its homemade (hence the lack of a fancy wrapping). I mean... how pathetic is that?
On the other hand it will go to waste, as there is no way either of us will finish it before it goes bad...

But back to my husband.
So he came bouncing in the house and I "wagged" tail like a happy dog at the sight of him. I love my hubby...
He kissed, hugged and playfully nimbled my shoulder and then he plopped on the couch and fell right asleep.
I didn't blame him. He was up since 5am and drove a long way in our very old, without A/C, car, in afternoon traffic to get here... so I let him sleep while I went about getting my veal and mashed potatoes ready...

It wasn't long before I too was plopped on the couch right along with him, reading my new book (Incoincivable), when my eyes wandered and fell on his sleeping form, all 6 feet of him in his white t-shirt and white underwear... his skin, darker than mine, (we are often referred to as the chocolate and vanilla couple - not because he is A/A, but because I am as white as milk!) was in contrast to the white couch and white underwear... I loved his his legs, which are quite long, are covered in fine hairs in just the right amount. He does not look like an ape, but he is hairy... in just the right way a manly man should be in my opinionn.

One of the things I absolutely love about him, are his long, long delicate fingers. Not feminine delicate, but strong delicate... the hands of someone with just the right balance of romanticism and silent strength.
I also love how long his eyelashes are and I often wish our children will inherit them.
These are the eyelashes those Maybeline models on TV are trying very hard (with the firm's help) to achieve (but to no avail - sorry girls!)

His hair is dark brown. Not black! Just dark brown and straight and he has a full head of it. This is the kind of hair that says "I won't go bald until I'm 70!" and I like that too!!
His nose is straight but not long... just the right length. Its not bulbous and its not flat. Its ... just right!
He has dark eyebrows that are neither too thick or too feminine and are long, going over the entire eye. They usually rest in an almost straight line on his brow and I love that; it gives him a child-like apperance!

His mouth is small but with full lips and I love how he smiles. He has straight teeth! When he smiles, he get dimples on his cheeks!! So cute!
And then we come to his eyes, which are closed in sweet slumber at the moment.
They are a dark, chocolate brown and their shape is almond... not cat like! Just almond shape.. He is my chocolate man! And I so love almost milk chocolate!!
His eyes are "tender" as my mother once said. I love brown eyes because they always seem so warm, like hot coccoa... and my husband's eyes are just that... you could drown in them and they are big, big, big too!!

People often tell us we look like brother and sister. We have many common features. Our noses are similar, our eyes are the same shape, we both have the same long lashes (though his are richer) and our mouth and face shapes are similar too.
The say good couples look alike...

We have our differences. Some times it feels like we want the same things but have totally opposite ways of achieving them.
He is more reserved, less dangerous and more trusting than I am.
I will go straight for what I want and won't stop until I get it but I will change tactics to suit my needs and situations.
He will go after what he wants, slowly, kindly, in the same fashion, over and over again and then he will wait for it patiently until it lands right on his lap.
He is willing to wait, I am not. I want it and I want it yesterday!! And I will get it at every cost...
He is more willing to let things go than I am...

Also (and thats my only regret) he almost never judges me whilst I am more than ready to judge or some times to belittle him in my anger... But he takes it in stride and I then feel terrible about it.
He too has his outbursts, I am not a total bitch you know. His anger will flame and he will fly off the handle in an instant. He seems to think that every conversation is a debate he must win and its really hard to talk to him about things, especially when it comes to money (he is very insecure about that but a good spender). I must find the right time and place to make conversation if I want any chance of it going remotely well.

But at the end of the day, when all is said and done, we love each other, we are in love with each other and we will sleep, tightly holding each other.
I feel... empty without him and I cannot imagine my life without him. Its like he is not a person anymore but an extension of my own self very much needed and essential to life, like my heart or my lungs.

I sometimes wonder what the future will bring and I wish we will be together and pull through the tides, twists and turns of time and if we will grow old and die together, like my grandparents did.
The fact that my parents are divorced and my fear I have more of my mother than I wish to admit, inside of me, scares me to death.
I hate how sometimes I feel let down, when we are facing a problem and he seems to be doing nothing.. is he really doing nothing? Or is this brain of his working overtime to solve it, while I go flailing about frantically working on a solution?
I don't know.. but I know my mom was like that and she always felt let down by my father.
True both my husband and father share a more relaxed view of life than I do.. but what makes me think my view is the proper one?
At least I am willing to talk and sort things out... my mom wasn't.
But I do remember a time when they were kissing by the fridge and she looked happy.
Now she says she never loved him or wanted to marry him... and I wonder.
If that love could grow could over the years, will mine too?

Will I ten years from now, throw him out like she did?
I pray to God to give me the wisdom and the strength and everything else I might need to keep this love alive, this marriage alive, this family together, because no matter how different we are, I have a wonderful hubby that many women can only dream of or read about in Harlequins...
And he is good looking too!! (slight pot belly and all!)

I got really lucky first time around... how many women can say that?
I know my mom can't...

For the Love of George I would do anything!