Monday, October 29, 2007


We had our neuro consult last Wednesday and as we suspected, there might be cause for alarm for our John.
We even got the "Angelman syndrome" speech.
Regardless of if he has it or not, he will need therapy to correct his walking and fix his expressive skills.

As you can imagine I started reading about Angelman's Syndrome and all I can think about every day is, "please don't let him have it". Its become my little mantra as if I say it enough times, somehow it won't happen.
We are going to get him a brain MRI under sedation, an EEG and a karyotype study. God please don't let my little guy have AS!!

I can handle anything as long as he is not retarded. If his brain is alright I can handle anything else. I don't want my child to be special needs, not in this idiotic, discriminative country!!!
Just please... let my little guy be alright.

I will keep you posted as we move along on this journey.
Please keep him in your prayers..

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A long time no see... uhm heard...

Wow! Didn't realize I hadn't posted in so long. I am pretty regular updating my Sculpting blog which is probably why I haven't updated this one.
Well my faithful (one) reader, I have made a few decisions and I am embarking on a new adventure.
First of all I won't talk about my marriage problems any more. You see I used to be this fun person... I was well liked! Now, I am a tired, graying, overweight person who whines about her husband (to my defense not without reason mind you) to anyone who is willing to hear.

I was oblivious at first but one day I LISTENED to myself. *I* didn't want to be near me... how could anyone else? So no more hubby-talk. He is who he is, I have my plan in motion and one day I will break free of this prison and bring the kids with me...or he will change. Which is unlikely. But no more hubby talk.

Instead I will talk about the kids :)
Dear Lord I am SO amazed at them!!
They will be two in just under a month. I knew that around the age of 2 to 2 1/2 they make a gigantic mental leap and they turn from .. babies into miniature people.
First of all, let me say we still have a few problems with John... well not problems per se but he is behind in his development. We are seeing a neurologist next week for an evaluation. She is specializing in preemies and we made the appointment 2 months ago. Can you believe it?
But hopefully we will get some answers about John and lay a plan in order to help him.

John is my wild child. Nothing "frightens" him. I mean, I put him on time out and he laughs. He can't be coaxed or threatened or anything. He will do what he wants, when he wants it and he couldn't care less.
He is like a cat... you just cannot "train" him. He has a total disregard of rules or how things work. He is not retarded you can tell that right away. He either hasn't made the connection yet or he is extremely defiant.
And I am a pretty stable person. No is no today and tomorrow and the day after.
He is saying a few more words now. He says "Nene" for Winnie, grandpa, grandma, bye, mom, dad, Beau (the cat), Bob (the sponge one) and poop. Before he goes. But every time I've tried to get him to go to the potty he just sits there shivering and points to his diaper. Not ready yet apparently but soon... very soon..

Now Cody, is my child of wonders. (Well they BOTH are but lately Cody is the one who blows my mind off).
I am SO fascinated to see him bloom and its happening before my very eyes!!
His pattern of speech changed. He says many words and makes two word sentences and signs so we can understand him and cut tantrums to a minimum.
My best tip on cutting tantrums: toddlers want to help. Keep that in mind. So lets say I am cooking. Cody wants to "help" too. So I give him an empty pot, put a couple of raw veggies inside (like washed onion or potato) hand him a wooden spoon and let him cook away.
No tantrum!
Or he wants to help me clean. So I give him a sponge and tell him to clean the coffee table or the wall or something and then praise him.
Yes it takes me longer to do chores but its all done in peace and quiet ;)

So Cody has taken the leap and turned into a miniature person. He understands even complex commands and is a pretty compliant kid if go ask nicely.
Yesterday he kissed his brother and hugged him for the first time! It was SO sweet I cried :)
John giggled :)
They are interacting more now and they "chat" in their own language. They also seem to miss each other too. Not that they don't fight because they do... kicking and punching matches (done for fun not for vengeance) is a daily thing around here. What can I say? Boys!!

Its been a few days since I've had a good night's sleep though.
Plus I am sick these day with a sore throat. I am also pushed to my limit work-wise with no end in sight. Except of course my deadline.
I couldn't work Saturday night, I was falling asleep sitting... so I took half a day off and went to bed at 11pm (early for me). Then Sunday George was on duty. The kids went absolutely berserk! Long story short I didn't work until 11pm when they finally decided they want to sleep (their normal bedtime is 8pm).
I worked until 3am and passed out until 8am.
Then yesterday I got sick. I had a rotten day, absolutely horrid. George was at his worst with me and that made things worse.
I went to bed at 10pm. Woke up at 1am because Cody was screaming. Took him in the living room with me and I snoozed (while he was drinking his milk) until around 3am.
Then I took him back to his bed and then 10 minutes later John woke up.
I didn't want another puking like Sunday (he pukes when he cries due to his reflux) so I quickly gathered him which then left Cody crying.
Mind you I was sick too... I cried for George a few times with no result. He just mumbled something and went to sleep again.
I gave Cody a book and left him there. He whined a little but eventually slept at around 4 or 5am.
John seemed to sleep while laying on me but around 5 I couldn't take it anymore and handed him to George. Somehow I went back to sleep (in the living room couch).
John was returned to his bed wide awake by George who then evicted me back to our bed because he wanted to get up at that point and turned all the lights on.
And then I overslept. I have so many things to do today but instead I slept until, get this, 10am!!
I opened the door for the nanny at 8am and thats all I remember.
But I am sick so... just for today I will forgive myself :)
And I've had my coffee while writing this so I will go work now :)
Wish me luck!!
At least I will have use of my car this afternoon as George will be going to meet with his friends and talk like an adult. I will take the kids and my MIL to visit a church near by. Its supposed to be miraculous and Dear Lord I need to pray for a miracle right now so badly. Plus I want my boys blessed as an assortment of weird things are happening lately... and Greek believe in the "Evil Eye" :)
And so does the Orthodox Church btw.


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I remember when...

Its really funny as you grow older, how much you forget.. or rather you shove at the very back of your brain, where no light of recognition shines on them...
And there they stay, hidden, until something happens to bring them up again.

The things I have "forgotten" have played a huge part in who I am today. Now that I think of it, I didn't have a very nice childhood after all.
I was always somehow "different" from all the other kinds at school.. just like I remain "different" now.
I wasn't accepted back then... I am accepted now but only because I have learned to wear a shroud of normalcy about me.
I have learned to keep my mouth shut at all costs. If I am (or not) clever, remains something to be figured out by those who meet me.
If I have a sense of humor (or not) is a thing of mystery.
I dare say, even my husband doesn't know who I really am...

Strange thing the human brain.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

To Full Term

I have been reading the book "To Full Term" by Darci Klein and I have been in tears over her losses many times. I am roughly in the middle of it.
However I am also filled with extreme anger at what I read.
Look, I do not mean to sound offensive. I do not mean to play the game "my country is better than yours" or whatever.. but I DO come from a different culture with different practices and views... and what I read about Mrs. Klein's OB care is simply... horrendous!

I cannot believe women in the US are offered ONE U/S at 20 weeks. ONE!
In their whole pregnancy... only one.
I cannot believe the things she writes. I mean, apparently they are quite true... just not for Greece.

I wonder this: if she had paid a doctor to do ultrasounds, would they?
My friends from the US and the UK tell me you have to get some kind of referral or permission to be seen... This is just silly! Over here we just call and make an appointment. Yes we pay for it but its not much.

Sersiously I cannot wrap my mind around what this woman went through.
I had dozens of ultrasounds and after my 20th week when things got tough with John, I had one a week, sometimes two a week.
I was under CONSTANT care. I chose my doctors carefully. I paid them $10,000 in the end, yes (and insurance paid back $6000 in cash) but I have BOTH my boys here, nice and healthy and John only spend a short while in the NICU mostly because of his IUGR.
And she lost her twins... they refused to test her!
Over here after a 2nd loss you are tested. Period... for everything. Including thrombophillias.
Over here there is no guessing and arguing over research. You don't see a different doctor every time. You have ONE doctor. And he is not "on call" and if you are lucky you get him to deliver. You call, he comes. Night or day. Whoever was your doctor will deliver you. Period.

I read about what she says, and I know this to be true from other ladies in the US I know, and it makes my skin crawl. I love the US, I just can't wrap my brain around the health system.
And she writes with a certainty and finality that this is how it is... and it needs to change and it doesn't. And I feel like I have to mail her to let her know that its not like that everywhere. Babies are saved daily over here.

To give you an example: when I was 23 weeks along, it was August. My doctor had told me he was going away for a few days with his wife and son. I was stable (I was his most high risk case) and he left an able doctor familiar with my case behind.
I wake up one morning and I am in terrible pain. I freak out. My cervix is pinching I have BH contractions.
I call my doc on his cell, during his vacation. He finds the other doctors (my own is miles and miles away in Cyprus) and they are delivering.
So he gets me another doctor in another hospital and my SIL drives me there and he does an ultrasound to make sure I am ok.
I mean a whole operation was set just to make sure I was ok. And I was. Cody had pushed John against my intestines and he had lodged his elbow in my cervix...

I delivered a baby alive and mostly well... had I been in the US I would have lost him.
I wouldn't have had my ultrasounds to check on his dying placenta or my expert doctors who knew what to do...

Do you know that we have 4 IVF centers in Athens alone? And that women from all over Europe and Australia (and other parts of the world I imagine) come here to get IVF?
And the cost... I hear about waiting lists and huge costs... seriously its not that expensive over here.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I feel so frustrated when I read about her losses and her idiot doctors. She says they weren't measuring her cervix. I was at no risk for IC and I got a measurement EVERY SIGNLE TIME for the duration.

So sad... really... so sad.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Lord of the dance

We went to see Lord of the Dance today since they are now in Greece... We got 2nd row seats... but unfortunately we were too close to the stage :(
We thought it would be great to spend the $100 a person to see the show up close but heck we were so close, part of the magic was taken away :(
You could see things you werent' supposed to see, like how the dancers tied their shoes and secured them to their feet or that the lead dancer's trousers were torn and worn at the end... you know, little tiny things that make the dancers seem human... which is something you probably don't want when you are watching this show... of course being me doesn't help as sometimes I am too observant.

Anyway, the show was amazing! At first I was feeling apprehensive that Flatley was not dancing himself but the dancer doing the Lord won us over. He was just a tiny notch below Flatley in terms of dancing (amazing nevertheless though) but he was so.... love-able. I don't know how else to put it. He was very, very tall and well build (the opposite of Flatley) and the evil Lord was short(er) and thin(ner).
It kind of made the whole scene feel like David and Golliath... but that dancer too was really really good.

It was a nice 2 hour break from reality and if I could afford it, I would watch it again. This time from a row further back ;)

I am getting tickets to see Disney's Beauty and the Beast in November though... (and yes this time I won't get front row).
The row we got felt like we were the band underneath the stage... literally. We were just too close to the stage to get a panoramic view and man those firecrackers were loud!!
All in all an enjoyable evening.

I am off to bed now to drem of dancing... something I can't do in my current weight.. but man I was something when I was younger (and thinner) .. I got the tapes to prove it ;)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The perfection of two pairs of brown eyes

It took me a while to get them to bed tonight but it was expected. They always loose their rhythm when their dad is away on duty for the day.
I can seriously loose myself in those dark brown eyes Cody has, and the lighter, HUGE hazel colored eyes John has.
Every day, every SINGLE day, they amaze me with something new. Today Cody talked on the phone... he said new things and he has a mouth full of teeth.
John hugged me really tight and danced for me. He almost has a mouth full of teeth and he ate very little today, probably because it hurts.
Oh! Cody also said "Chocolate" for (cocolat) for the first time today.

God, THANK YOU for picking these two out for me... You couldn't have sent me better babies... I love them so much I don't think this much emotion fits in my heart. I think it has spill and now its all over me and them...
Thank You God...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Longing for another baby...

Looking at my life right now, its near impossible to even think I would want another child.
My house is chaotic, my life even more so, I am running low on everything from money to patience... and yet every time I close my eyes all I can dream of is another baby.
Its a good thing I sculpt, because I wake up with such a powerful urge to create, even if its from my hands this time... I call it my instant (vs. waiting 40 wks) gratification.

Yet my heart aches for another baby to grow in me... I look at my little ones here with me and I am so proud... I love them so much! But seriously, I feel someone is missing from our gang.
Yet at the same time my "insane" dream has me in my later 30's with the boys a little more grown and me getting pregnant again...
Why is that?

When I got pregnant with the twins I couldn't be happier.. and I still am. But the practicality of the whole twin thing is my limited one on one time... my shared resources. The "I need to compromise and not buy the buggy I wanted because I need two cheaper ones"... silly huh?
Those "Norman Rockwell" moments as they say...
So I am secretly hoping against all hope that I will one day have another baby... when things are cooler around here and calmer and that I will get to do baby wearing all the time and breastfeeding for as long as I want to (Hormones allowing of course). I will get to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get exactly what I wanted for him (or her) and my boys will be old enough to not feel threatened by the baby... maybe when they are 7 or so, and see him (or her) like a little living doll perhaps and be happy and trully grasp the meaning of "big brother" ...
I don't know. I can certainly NOT afford a baby right now not just monetary but time-wise as well, but try telling that to my heart.

Last night I had an incredible dream. I had adopted a little (blind from birth, yes you read that right) toddler. I called her "Catherine". She had brown hair in a top knot and she was smiling... all through my dream she was smilling and she was really mine!!
I woke up with an insane desire for that little girl... I could smell her and feel her in my arms still.
In my dream I was older, a lot older and my boys where so proud and protective of their little sister... and as you would expect George was nowhere to be seen.
He is totally opposed to adoption, but don't judge him harshly. Its the way ALL Greek men are raised. Having biological children is the ONLY way for them to have children which is why we have so many orphans (and of course our crappy wait-for-ever adoption system).
Greek men are programmed from birth to love their offspring... I think we women are programmed to simply love all children... no matter whose uterus carried them.

At least a good thing came out of my dream... I am now obsessed with "Catherine" and I need to sculpt her... a life size 2 year old. I have too many orders to finish right now but maybe next week I can start.

Yup... I really do want another baby... even if its a clay one :)

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The show went well

I had a very tough month. It seems like when you are planning something, it never quite comes out exactly as you want it. But when this happens over and over again you are maybe starting to question the sanity or fairness of the Universe.

Preparing for a show is a strain on your time and your resources... preparing for a show when you have two toddlers is harder.
I simply fail to see how other people do it... Seriously!
I am on my feet most of my waking time, I work every single day, sculpting for hours on end and yet here I am still requiring a boat load of help from our nanny to cope. She tidies the house and takes care of the boys, irons the clothes etc. And yet I find myself never earning quite enough each month or never having enough energy by the end of the day.

The boys are wonderful and gorgeous but just so time consuming its mind bloggling. Do other 19 month olds play alone at all by this age? Because ours don't. They cling to us constantly and never give us a moment's peace. They wreck the house, openings cup-boards and throwing everything out, breaking things etc.
Its not that our kids aren't normal... its probably that I am just too tired to set limits at this point. I just can't hear them crying.
Its not that I don't say no, but I do try to allow them to explore as much as I can... I can't say no to everything they want... not everything should be out of reach or forbidden.

So when our nanny left us for a week and asked for some money in advance due to a family emergency, George stepped up... he took a week off work so that I could prepare for the show.
Things went well and thought I missed my kids terribly, I didn't stop talking about them through my stay. Everyone got an earful of Cody's and John's accomplishements and by the end of the weekend, their photos had been passed around enough times for all my friends to see their amazing cuteness.

I found myself immersed in adult conversations and my work being admired and thought I was shaking inside, because I am so shy naturally and so not used to attention, I found myself actually enjoying my stay eventually.
But I couldn't be happier when I boarded the plane home... my heart was counting down the minutes and the hours until I saw my kids.

When I arrived they were already asleep but at some point both woke up and I had the chance to cuddle with them. Even in their half-asleep state they both managed to smile at me and look happy I was there.
In all my life and with all my experiences and no matter what happens to me in the future, I will never ever find an experience or moment more thrilling, loving and bursting with love than this: its the moment I pick a boy up and hold him close, and he drapes his body across mine, his slim little arms holding me around the neck, his head resting on my shoulder... their body goes limp feeling secure and he lets out a sigh of relief... he feels complete and so do I. Its the moment he melts into my arms... I will never feel more complete than this...

Even though I was absolutely exhausted after a string of sleepless and worried nights and working for 14 hours a day... even though my eyes were so heavy I just couldn't get comfortable in my own bed. I twisted and turned until 3 am last night... but eventually sleep came and the boys were so kind as to not request their 5am bottle but instead sleep through to 8am.

I mentioned earlier that our nanny had requested some advance money to buy her plane ticket. Today she was acting strange. Having paid her half a month's salary, I thought I didn't have to pay her for a few more days so when she requested to be paid for those 10 days I hadn't paid her and then some, I told her that ok but I would have to keep $5 a day from her salary to make up for the earlier money advance.

She told me that she didn't owe me any money and that I owed her instead. She said that she was getting paid peanuts ($900 cash every month) and that I never paid her for summer vacation or Easter bonus.
Now if you are from another country you are probably saying that I do in fact pay her peanuts but in Greece this is a LOT of money. Its more than the basic salary, she works 7 hours a day not 8 and from those 7, the boys are sleeping for 2 and she watches TV.
True she does an amazing job but I just can't pay her any more.

To give you an analogy of her salary, my husband is a Navy officer with the rank of Warrant Officer. After 18 years in the Force his salary is $1600 a month. She gets $900... cash.
I felt the house gutted. I couldn't possibly afford to pay her more... She made it sound as if she was working for free. A salary for a lady doing her job in Greece is around $600 a month so already I am paying more than my friends are paying their nanny.
Plus she comes and goes as she pleases, I never say anything when she is late or has to leave early or when she takes the boys out for hours on end in order to run her own errants.

On top she is not really teaching them anything. She lets them run around the house or confinds them to their playpen while she does things. At 19 months old I find my children are now falling behind their peers because I simply must work and the hours I do spend with them are not enough apparently to teach them or be creative with them. Plus I do recognize I lack the energy or will power with everything weighing down on me to be more strict with them or deal with Cody's temper tantrums.

Yes, I am gutted but what can I possibly do? We cannot survive without me working. I just simply have to work... and to do that I need a nanny...
So it is with a very heavy heart that I now let og of our nanny and enroll the boys to school.
The cons are huge: they will get sick so often and miss days and I will miss days off work. Our money will go down exponentially since I will be missing days... my stress level and work load will go up...
But I am adamant that I will not succumb to blackmail from this woman.
I have no doubt in my mind she loves them dearly but a disgruntled employee will not perform well. She will start cutting corners like she did in the beginning of the year; not cleaning the house or cooking for them because "I wasn't paying her what she is worth".

Again I must stress that I am actually paying her a lot more than everyone else... and when I can I give her bonuses. This past Christmas a company deal I had went sour and I had no money, absolutely no money to get by. I didn't get my boys anything or my husband... but I paid her what I could as a bonus $350.
She is not happy, she can go.

I know it will be a huge change in our family routine but eventually I am sure the boys will adapt and they will do well in school. They will meet friends and be put on a schedule and be "creatively taught". I am not sure how ready I am for change.
I loathe change but its so funny because with kids change is the only sure thing.... but I so like our routine right now.
Kiss it goodbye Tina because what can you do? I will not get another nanny... I just can't. Took me a long time to trust this one I simply cannot change nannies.
Putting the boys in school is the best thing I think right now...

So tomorrow I am on the prowl again to see yet another school nearby.
So wish me luck...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Cody's got roseola!!!

Some new updates on the boys:
Cody started having a mild fever last Monday but no other cold/virus symptoms so I attributed it to the fact he is cutting 6 (!!!) teeth at once. He is now 18 months old and he only has 8 teeth (4 upper, 4 lower). So he is cutting his canines on both sides, and 4 molars LSo he was a bit warm but acting and eating normally on Monday… but Tuesday at dawn he was burning up with a 104 temp so I realized my kid is sick… I gave him some paracetamol and his fever went right down. In the morning he was grumpy and needed constant holding… with a very heavy heart and his cries echoing in my ears I left him with his nanny as I simply could not miss work… again.

I came home early and held him the rest of the day… he had a rough night so I was up with him for most of it. The high fevers continued for days but he still showed no signs of a cold. Having had a bad (and totally unnecessary) hospital stay with John 6 weeks earlier, I was very hesitant to take Cody in. The paracetamol was very successful at keeping the fever down and when he was fever-less he was almost his normal self.
Still the nights were rough and I “exiled” George to the couch while I had Cody sleep in our bed so I could keep an eye on his fever. On Friday, the fever was barely broken so I took him to see his regular ped. He couldn’t find anything wrong other than a sore throat… the next morning Cody had a bad rash all over his body even between hi s toes… and then I knew what it was. Roseola!

John had it 6 weeks ago but apparently Cody (who has a normal immune system as opposed to his brother who is immune-compromised) did not really “get it” until he had a cold two weeks ago. His immune system went down and then the Roseola appeared. It is a harmless disease really…
Today is day 2 of the rash and he seems ok for the most part but he is VERY irritable and he always was the tantrum machine of the house, so imagine how he is acting now. The slightest “no” sends him spinning and his tantrum escalates before you can say “lime”. Cody also has the habit of hurting himself when he is frustrated by banging his head hard on the floor or wall (or wherever) so we have tried to keep him satisfied. My poor, poor angel L

In addition, as a reaction to the virus, his eye (which has a problem since he was born) is now swollen almost completely shut and is oozing puss L This happens every time Cody gets sick and we are treating it with eye drops. He looks terrible… but he feels great otherwise.I had to go buy shoes for him yesterday as all of a sudden his sneakers are too small for him. So I took him with me, as he has big feet and not only I need the size to be right for him but the form of the shoe as well. I got some pretty weird looks with my spotty, swollen eyed kid at the baby store. At Mothercare the sales lady asked what was wrong and I got to explain but at the shoe store nobody asked. God knows what they thought!!

In other news, George and I were very surprised that both the boys had a growth spurt this week. Cody now wears a size EU24 shoe which I think is a toddlers 7 ½ (John EU22). They both had gotten taller but Cody more than John so their size difference is pretty evident now.
Cody is 35.4” tall and weighs 28.6 lbs. John is an inch and a half shorter and weighs 24lbs. I know the difference doesn’t seem like much when you put it in numbers, but John has a different body type than Cody. He has very long limbs and fingers and is generally “delicate” featured where Cody has a long trunk and shorter legs (typical of his age whereas John kept his “post-mature worm-like” appearance he had at birth due to his placenta/growth problems). Cody also has a very, very full head of hair which adds to him “older child” appearance. John of course had a full head of hair too (except the front hairline) but his hair is shorter because it hasn’t grown yet so he looks more baby-ish. Yup! He is my baby and Cody is my big kid J lol
I was told the other day that John is too cute/ beautiful/dainty to be a boy. Both of them have extremely long doll-like eyelashes… they are just too cute lol

John has grown more attached to me, actually asking for me and preferring me and that makes me very happy as I felt rejected by his independent “I-can-do-it-myself” attitude. He now hugs me and kisses me and bit me the other day and drew blood. Ouch!I am so grateful for my angels!!
However Cody’s tantrum problems need to be addressed. All toddlers throw tantrums but Cody goes from zero to a meltdown in seconds. He is either spoiled or there is something wrong. He seems overly attached to me. He has a meltdown when I go and he is totally attached even missing play when I am home in fear he will loose me. I hope it’s a phase.. I will ask his ped in a few days when Cody recovers and we go in for his immunizations.
Mostly I want to address the self-hurt thing. I know his head must hurt from all the banging he does when he throws a tantrum and George is loosing patience with him saying he is just stubborn and spoiled (gee I wonder where he got that gene from … hmmm who else do I know who acts exactly like this in the more “adult” kind of way? Hmmm let me think….)
So, ok this was mostly a Cody update since things were wrong with him this week. I haven’t worked too much and my show in the UK is coming up in June FAST. I need to get organized but its SO hard. I really hope for a good, productive week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

Monday, April 16, 2007

Here we go... again

Its been a while since I wrote something but thats because I have been crazy busy and other than your regular day to day troubles, things had been pretty good for a while...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"

And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.

If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).

He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.

Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.

And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.

And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?

I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.

Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?

Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...