Monday, June 18, 2007

Longing for another baby...

Looking at my life right now, its near impossible to even think I would want another child.
My house is chaotic, my life even more so, I am running low on everything from money to patience... and yet every time I close my eyes all I can dream of is another baby.
Its a good thing I sculpt, because I wake up with such a powerful urge to create, even if its from my hands this time... I call it my instant (vs. waiting 40 wks) gratification.

Yet my heart aches for another baby to grow in me... I look at my little ones here with me and I am so proud... I love them so much! But seriously, I feel someone is missing from our gang.
Yet at the same time my "insane" dream has me in my later 30's with the boys a little more grown and me getting pregnant again...
Why is that?

When I got pregnant with the twins I couldn't be happier.. and I still am. But the practicality of the whole twin thing is my limited one on one time... my shared resources. The "I need to compromise and not buy the buggy I wanted because I need two cheaper ones"... silly huh?
Those "Norman Rockwell" moments as they say...
So I am secretly hoping against all hope that I will one day have another baby... when things are cooler around here and calmer and that I will get to do baby wearing all the time and breastfeeding for as long as I want to (Hormones allowing of course). I will get to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get exactly what I wanted for him (or her) and my boys will be old enough to not feel threatened by the baby... maybe when they are 7 or so, and see him (or her) like a little living doll perhaps and be happy and trully grasp the meaning of "big brother" ...
I don't know. I can certainly NOT afford a baby right now not just monetary but time-wise as well, but try telling that to my heart.

Last night I had an incredible dream. I had adopted a little (blind from birth, yes you read that right) toddler. I called her "Catherine". She had brown hair in a top knot and she was smiling... all through my dream she was smilling and she was really mine!!
I woke up with an insane desire for that little girl... I could smell her and feel her in my arms still.
In my dream I was older, a lot older and my boys where so proud and protective of their little sister... and as you would expect George was nowhere to be seen.
He is totally opposed to adoption, but don't judge him harshly. Its the way ALL Greek men are raised. Having biological children is the ONLY way for them to have children which is why we have so many orphans (and of course our crappy wait-for-ever adoption system).
Greek men are programmed from birth to love their offspring... I think we women are programmed to simply love all children... no matter whose uterus carried them.

At least a good thing came out of my dream... I am now obsessed with "Catherine" and I need to sculpt her... a life size 2 year old. I have too many orders to finish right now but maybe next week I can start.

Yup... I really do want another baby... even if its a clay one :)

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