Sunday, July 24, 2005

... and then you get cold feet!

I am trying to write this as the cat is running around the appartment in a state of frenzy!
His tail is all fluffed up, his eyes open wide and he keeps bolting from one room the next like the Devil is out to get him. Pretty funny really if you consider the fact that he has already tripped over himself two or three times and has managed to knock my Nikes all the way to the hallway!!

I had a peculiar day so far. Slept late, woke up early as George got (noisily) ready to report to the base as he is on duty tonight. I couldn't get back to sleep after he'd left so I just hung around the couch, watching cartoons.

He called me a couple of hours later just as I had decided that I could use another couple of hours of sleep, to give me a "brillian" decorating idea he had... or rather "rearrange the house" idea.

You see, we have a small appartment, with two small bedrooms. The living room, kitchen and balcony are really big but the bathroom and bedrooms are just big enough to be functional, not recreational. I guess the architect who designed the building thought we would be spending most of our time in the living room which we do so as long as a bed and a bookcase fit in the other rooms, well that's all you needed. (btw, thats ALL our bedroom can accommodate, a double bed and a small bookcase)

So you see, we need to empty the second bedroom which now serves as my workroom and George's computer station, and transform it into the nursery.
But the room is packed to the ceiling we stuff and even if I say I will eliminate everything I don't really need, that leaves me with a small problem.
There are about a million things I do need in order to work and I can't stop working because I bring 60% of the family's income into the house and duh, there is no way in Hell to make ends meet without my income.

But George wasn't the least bit worried about that. All he cared about was where he is going to put his computers and router, and wireless whatsa-ya-call-it!!
So he started telling me of his wonderful plan how we will re-arrange the living room so instead of a presentable living room, it would be turned into a crowed, horrible room just so that he can fit his computers in. No mention of where my work stuff will go...

We spent an hour on the phone trying to solve this and of course George reacted in his usual manner when you gave him an objection "Fine, we'll do it your way or rather, I will throw everything out..." and mentally stumped his foot like a 5 year old.
In the end it was decided after my suggestion that the computers will go into our bedroom. The TV will have to go of course but who needs it?
Its ok, I can sleep with radiation all night, right?

So it seems I've managed to keep my living room as is which is a good thing because I had planned for that space near the window, to put the babies' swings there so I can keep an eye on them while still doing chores. If I can afford the swings that is... Because then the subject of money had to be brought up... Apparently I need to raise a few thousand dollars by October because I need to pay for the babies. No mention of what George will do to get more money. He just said "its not the right time to look for a second job right now" and left it at that. I started crying because for a second it all seemed so overwhelming! I told him that maybe he would be better off without me. I should take off and go, he can keep the house and my car and everything, I don't care. It will be better for him without me. He didn't much want the kids anyways so he won't be actually missing something, right? I will be taking a load off his shoulders.

How am I supposed to come up with a whole year's worth of salary in 2 months, still spend my allocated hours on bedrest, still do the housework and on top of paying pretty much everything including the car insurance and repairs on my car which he is driving (and he even ripped the seat fabric the other day to add to the loooong list of damages to my car!) I will need to close out a $4000 loan I had taken out when I was living alone (before getting married) AND save up about $5000-6000 so that I can pay the hospital I will be giving birth to if all goes well, in November.

All that has to be done with my job which is basically selling on eBay! The economy in Greece sucks anyway, no way I am getting a job and if I do it will be a $500 a month job. Wellfare is not available because George makes just enough to surpass the limit and we are not considered "poor" (he makes around $10,000 a year but half each month go towards our mortgage) and NOBODY will hire a heavily pregnant woman and I do mean NOBODY. And with my bedrest orders what kind of job could I possibly be doing that wouldn't endanger my babies??
Except my current job of course which can be done from home and under my rules...

After that I finally went into a fitfull sleep for another two hours when I was awaken by George's mom who thought calling at 4pm is a good idea... well its not! Its "quiet time" here and I am supposed to stay in bed 4 hours a day in addition to the 8-10 I must be sleeping at night, because I have contractions and doc wants me in bed!! And while in bed, I sleep...

Then I got to looking around the appartment realizing that a year from now and imagining how my life will change.
Its so funny when you have been trying for so long, wanting and longing for so long but when the time came, all Hell broke loose and what you knew, no longer stands.
I sometimes feel like an acrobat, trying to keep her balance on a tight rope people keep juggling.
I sometimes wish I could "freeze" time so that I could do more things and then have the babies when I was ready. But you are never ready, are you?
With the economy the way it is in Greece NOBODY has any money any more. I think the Americans would deem us poorer than their poor people and it would be true.
Its not that I, in particular didn't prepare for the babies financially. There was nothing to put aside after the month was done and the pregnancy though we tried, took us by surprise.
I mean, we did try for a baby, but success was not for sure. It hadn't happened in two years why would it work now, you know what I mean?

And besides, I reason, who tells me that next year things will be any better or the year after that? Maybe this was our last chance. Things have certainly be getting steadily worse over the years anyway...

I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of desperation. I silently prayed that God somehow made me not needing any sleep at all and not suffering any side effects when the babies came because my future did not seem anything like a rose colored commercial of baby food.
All I could think about was "how will I find the time and the energy to look after two kids and work at the same time"??
I don't want my mother in law raising my children! This is absolutely out of the question!! She didn't even raise her own kids and she is a weird, mean person sometimes.

How do I work around it? I gotta find a way. How I wish I could grow another set of arms!!
George I don't count on. He seems to be dumping everything on me and only worry about his own stuff. Its not that he doesn't love me but every time he talks to me there is an accusing tone to what he says, like he depended on me and I somehow screwed it up...
At times like these horrible, horrible thoughts cross my mind and I am sure to burn in Hell for them or worse... I keep thinking that I will run away, not for my sake but for his. I am such a burden, I keep thinking. And then the babies kick or move and I am so in love with them!!
I want to move Heaven and Earth for them, and I just can't seem to find a way out. And its all about stupid money. I swear, if I had a time machine I would go back in time and find whoever discovered the damn thing and smack him until his head spin so much, he wouldn't even remember his own name, let alone money.

Sigh... I am off to get some work done I supposed. Not easy when its 100 F in the house. We have no A/C and its a hot, hot summer... But it has to be done.
I just need to keep an eye out for contractions and if I have any, I need to get back in bed...

Wish me luck!


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