Have mini-meltdown: Check!

I am 5 weeks today! I actually feel somewhat better generally. I am still very dizzy most times, I still MUST sleep at least 12 hours a day but my ovaries have stopped hurting!!
I am not quite sure this is a good sign or not.
You see when you have what I have (OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), the baby's hormone (HCG) makes it worse. So the more HCG you produce (baby growing) the worse this thing becomes... But mine got better!! I didn't want it get better!! I needed the reassuring, doubling over, I-want-to-die-NOW pain because it meant my baby was still alive... But it got better!!
I immediately mail a friend who had the same thing only when her OHSS got better, she knew it was because she had lost the baby :(
Then I realised I have been taken off the E2 (the hormone that causes OHSS in the first place) and that the day after I stopped it, I felt better. Could this be it? I wondered.

For those who are totally confused by now, E2 concentration is more if you have assisted conception, thus more eggs. Each month usually you produce only one so the E2 concentration is never too high. But if you can't produce an egg (like me) and you do what I did and end up with loads of eggs (8) then your E2 goes through the roof!
Then as a result all your veins and all your capillaries and all your membranes become more permiable (it means they allow fluid to go through them when they should have been holding it in). Then, first your ovaries, then you Douglas Pouch, then your whole abdomen (in severe cases) will fill with water. Of course you are in a lot of pain and it can even be life threatening or lethal if the fluid goes to your lungs or your heart.

In my case, I was put on a protein diet to make my membranes (and veins and capillaries) tougher and keep the fluid it. After my 2nd beta I stopped taking E2 supplements... and then I felt better. And now I am freaking out! WHY AM I NOT IN PAIN!?! I SHOULD BE IN PAIN!!!

So today, I am 5 weeks and I went for my next (crucial) beta.
Your beta numbers should rise at least 60% every 48hrs for your pregnancy to be viable. They must double every 72 hours.
Mine didn't! Though I had strong numbers per se, my 2nd beta only rose 50% within 48hrs... Most often this shows two things: a) you had twins and one didn't make it or b) you are having an ectopic pregnancy (not in your uterus).

When I showed my results to my OB and my RE they both agreed they are more positive than negative about this and that I should repeat my beta but LATER... So somehow I survived the weekend and once again I was back in the lab for my 3rd beta. I will get the results tomorrow. It must be at LEAST 730...

There are times throughout the day when I am so positive... and times that I am just SO negative. WHY do they make you wait for CRUCIAL exam results? Idiots!!! I swear I am changing labs after this test! I wish I could do that earlier but then the results would be skewed since each lab has a different machine, differently calibrated to read results...

But the good news is I am already halfway through my day!!! AND I even did the dishes!!
And trying to keep a +++ frame of mind, I bought a pregnancy book... and I am definitely going insane in the meantime!!

Plus this is a crucial week. Tomorrow and Wednesday I have two U/S planned, one with the OB and one with RE. We SHOULD be able to see my baby... Jesus, what if we don't?
What if its in the wrong place? What if, what if, what if...
Want to hear the worst part? There are NO guarantees until you HOLD your baby, alive and breathing in your arms 9 months later...

Positive frame of mind: I made it to five weeks, I am not bleeding, I am not spotting and I am not cramping unless stupid hubby DIVES into every single bump and hole in the road while driving (memo to self: NEVER let hubby drive me anywhere again! EVER!!).

18 hours to go until I get my results!! (insert praying image here) PLEASE let it be at least 730!! PLEASE, pretty please and PLEASE let me see my baby tomorrow!!!
Thank you God,

Tina