Friday, June 03, 2005

The crying game...

Its so funny how some times I am so distraut I can't even think straight... and sometimes its just a nasty headache that gets in the way, and scrambles all "the wise things" I want to write...
Tonight I had both...

I love my husband.
I am lucky to have married a nice guy...
Sometimes I really, really, really dislike him to say the least.
He came in tonight with an attitude. We have no money right now...
He asked for money for gas and all I had was a measly $4.
Yesterday my Visa called to let me know I need to pay NOW or they will "pursue other matters". I told them that I haven't been paid in months, I am PG and that please give me some time. They agreed to let me pay $150 the same day and the rest soon. The banks went on strike and won't be open until Wednesday which means any money I was expecting so I can pay bills, will be delayed...

George was in a foul mood. He hasn't been working much and the permanent excuse is "because I want to stay home with you". Funny thing is that either I am ungrateful or I haven't exactly figured out what "staying home with you" means.
In George's terms it means, sleeping (most of the time), watching TV, surfing the Net, going out for coffee with friends and generally vegging out.
What it does not mean according to George: Doing any kind of chore. Taking me out for a coffee. Making any kind of baby plans with me or paying me any kind of significant attention except the occassional pat on the head or asking me what's for dinner.

Stupid me, I miss him, so when tonight he asked me for money for gas to go for a coffee with a buddy of his, I broke down in tears. Tomorrow he is on duty and I won't see him all day.
He got very pissed off and when he came back he was even worse.
I can tell when a storm is brewing the minute he walks through the front door.
The result I knew... he told me what he wanted to tell and then kept asking me "what's wrong" and "why won't you talk to me".
I knew he was basically asking me to say something, anything, so that he could let the steam out... and stupid me, I opened my mouth... and as usual all Hell broke loose.

From the first half-sentence I uttered (he didn't really need a full sentence, just me saying something), until he stopped talking 3 hours later, I sat there, wanting to bawl, scream at the injustice and scared shitless that I was harming my babies, tears and snot rolling down my face.
Of course the "conversation" was about how stupid I am, how messy, how I can't keep my house clean and neat, how I forget to pay bills or other important things now that I am pregnant, how I will ever manage with two kids because I am so "used to sleeping and being lazy all the time" I have not realized that I will need to get up every two hours to feed them and change them...

And I just sat there while he screamed and yelled and threatened (even the throw the cat down the balcony because he was crying) and cried until my eyes were red and I couldn't stop the gasps as I tried to breathe and not cry at the same time. I dared not touch my belly and I so wanted to. I wanted to show the kids it would be alright, but I feared his anger would escalate so I didn't dare.

So I am a moron because:
I can't even keep a measly house clean and tidy
Even though I have put half the things in this house, I pay all bills and groceries, the stuff he wants (i.e. the cool gadgets for his phone), I work, I cook, he drives my car because he never bought one, apparently I am lazy and incompetent because the house is a mess.
True! It is a mess because there is SO much stuff in it. He keeps everything, he takes his clothes off in the living room, he needs new clothes every day so the laundry basket is always filled to capacity and we have zero storage capacity so the house is overcrowded and as a result it looks messy!

So here I am, really wanting to cry but having already developed a killer migraine, I dare not.
I fear for my babies and I pray one domestic fight won't kill them...

Then after all that and after I got up at eleven in the night to clean up and do laundry, as I was ironing his shirts he asked me "how are we going to pay for the babies' items?"
I just about wanted to kill him!!!
I will tell you how!! I will work my ass off to make dolls, to sell dolls, to pay up our bills, so I can save up enough to buy the cheapest cribs and carriage and car seats I can find... thats how!!

God!! I know you told me to count my blessings but sometimes I wish... I really wish, I hadn't married him...


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