Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Yes, you CAN whine...

... and no you are not being ungrateful! Pregnancy, I have learned is, nothing like what we see in the movies or what our mothers usually make it out to be; this wonderful, 9 month, blissful period of no worries, baby shopping and nursery decorating... and I have a sneaking suspicion, I will look less than divine when delivering my babies and even if I do put mascara on, it will soon be dripping down my cheeks, making me look like something out of a horror movie!! And why do I believe that it will hurt a lot more than when the Hollywood starlets giving birth, I wonder? Must be my imagination!! But back to the point: I am still in the pregnancy phase here! As I was saying, pregnancy is not, no matter how hard Dr. Stoppard has tried to make us believe, a trouble free 9 month period where you grow a nice round, cute belly, you eat like a horse (and still not gain a pound anywhere but your belly!) and you go shopping every day for that special little trinket you absolutely must have to complete the nursery. I will admit that for some women, pregnancy is exactly what I described... but not for me and if you are like me (plain, old, boring and normal) its not like that for you either. If you, like me, have struggled with infertility for some time, you might have often promised God or the Universe (hey, whatever suits you!), "Please let this happen and I promise, I will never complain about any pregnancy symptoms!!"
And that’s when God (or the Universe) giggles benevolently and send down all the worrying, all the "this can go wrong" situations, all the morning sickness, moodiness, crankiness and upheavals they can muster... and then guess what? You do whine... and then you feel totally guilty about it. Pregnancy after infertility can throw you in for a loop! First you are worried you are never getting pregnant, then you worry you will miscarry, then the 1st trimester is over and then things calm down for a while and then you stop and think... Wait a minute! What happened? I don't feel pregnant anymore!! I feel better!! Something must be wrong!
Those middle 3 months of pregnancy for most women are like the calm before a storm. Your morning sickness has subsided, you feel more energetic and also, certainly less pregnant. If not for your belly growing or your baby starting to kick this trimester, you might have thought you dreamt of it all! But its ok... the 3rd trimester will begin at which point all Hell will break loose and you will have to deal with it... with a few added pounds around your middle and probably, the inability to run very fast... or better yet, not run at all!! While in the 1st trimester, I was too miserable to complain. One minute I thought I would most certainly die and the next I felt good that I was miserable. It meant I was pregnant. When I entered my 2nd trimester, I started feeling so much better, I actually found the time to whine!! And with whining came a scarier thought... I was breaking my pact with God!! (or the Universe) The more things started going South (not pregnancy-wise), the more I complained. I have no money and no real energy to work to earn money. I have no materials with which to work and no money to buy more. Hubby is not bringing home any money because he decided now of all times to commit to charity work... and most of all, I whine about this pregnancy! Is everything going well? How do I know everything is going well? I mean, really, do I go by faith alone? But I want to know if something is up? Why oh why are ultrasound machines so darn expensive!? My feet are so swollen! I hate getting up to pee every hour! Why can’t I have a beer? And why, can’t I sleep a whole, blissful night any more?!And the more I whine, the more miserable I am feeling.
I am so ungrateful, I thought; here I am pregnant with twins, and instead of praising God (or the Universe), I am worrying my mind off. If I keep this up, surely, something will go wrong!! (As if enough things in my life are not down the drain already but hey... as long as those two in there are healthy, I really don’t care about anything else!!) I can't believe I am whining!! I mean, I wanted this, I worked hard for this, I was Graced with this and I am throwing it away? Yes, infertility will throw you in for a loop. Every time something happens, now you are pregnant or later as a parent, as a human being, you will whine just a tad, or be mad at the children and then you will spend a whole lot of your time feeling miserable just because you acted normal. You feel like for you its a privilege derived by the Pure Grace of God (or the Universe), that those children (or that child) has grown inside of you and is now a little human... and who are you to throw that privilege away by whining? You might also feel that if you do not thank God (or... the Universe!) 200 times a day, you will become less than worthy in His eyes and your privileges will be revoked and something terrible will happen. Well let me tell you that even though it took a lot of time, effort and $$$, yes you still can whine about your morning sickness. Yes you can whine about your colicky baby, your overactive toddler, your spoiled rotten child... and no, God (or the Universe) will not punish you in some uncanny way because you forgot to say "Thank you!" after every single minute of your life with your child. You are grateful and you are showing it with the best way possible. By being a loving, caring parent for that little soul that was trusted to you. Besides, wouldn't you like a little normal in your life after all the "ab-normal" things you had to do to get this far? Wouldn't you like for a while, just a little while, to forget you dealt with Infertility and just be a normal parent? Infertility will only have won over you, if you let it dictate and overshadow the rest of your pregnancy and later your life. You can beat infertility in more levels than one. Getting pregnant is only level one, because infertility lives inside of your heart and mind, not just your ovaries or uterus. So whine away! Worry away! Its healthy, it’s normal, it’s what everybody else in the world (Or Galaxy) in your situation is doing right now. And you know what? My mother got it all wrong! From the moment you get those two pink lines to show on a pregnancy test, until the day you die, you will worry about your child's well-being and whoever told you that worrying ends with the delivery (and confirmation) of a healthy baby, is wearing pink glasses. If you think you are worrying now, wait until the first time your baby gets sick, or goes to school, or has his first date, or drives a car... or goes to College ... or gets married... or has children of his own... or.... I mean.. at least you can control your baby right now, still in the womb. Wait until he or she is an individual that will occasionally be away from you or be in situations you cannot (albeit your desire to do so) control!But I promise you. There will be good times and the good times will far outweigh the bad! If you don't believe me, then why do we keep having children? There must be something good about it, don't you think? (or it could be a Universal plot of some kind, so that the human race does not go extinct... hmmmm)

Until next time.. Live long and prosper!! Whatever!!

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