Thursday, June 30, 2005

Sometimes I think pregnancy is the easy part

Do you ever wonder what exactly is it that made you want children in the first place?
Hormones?
They way we were brought up as little girls?
Always told one day we would have kids because that's what we're supposed to do?
Or is it something that came in our X chromosome, along with our hair and eye color and pre-dispositon to certain things?

Personally I think its a combination of all of those, that made me wanna have kids ever since I was about 30 inches tall. What stopped me from having them sooner than 27, was logic (and a two year battle with infertility)...
The knowledge I couldnt' possibly bring a child into the world at the age of 17 or 19 or 21, or at least before I put a roof over our heads and before I learned how to stand on my own two feet and fend for myself.

I think I managed that and found a father for them, when I got married at 23... so when we started trying, my sole drive had been ... motherhood!!
I was finally close to my dream.
As fate would have it, it took a while and more than the two of us but hey, we managed and all that is behind us now.

Don't get me wrong, I love being pregnant most of the time. Ok I do have my nagging times when my pelvis hurts, or when I can't sleep... when morning (all day long) sickness comes, when I have to pee every hour or so while watching a movie at the cinema but hey, my choice, right? I mean, I wanted this.

Have you really ever thought past pregnancy? I mean really thought about what happens when that child is no longer inside of you but becomes an individual?
Sure you might say... I am thinking newborns, diapers, first Christmas, first birthday... pink bows and cute tiny baseball outfits. Playgrounds, kindergarten... Sure I have thought about it.

I have too. Only most of the times my dreams venture elsewhere. I think about sleepless nights when I can't soothe my children and I feel like a terrible, terrible person because a) I can't take their crying away and make them happy again and b) because inspite all my love and devotion for my children there are times I wished them gone, even for a few hours so I could ... just... get... some... sleep!!!

I dream about twins crawling... in different directions, both equally dangerous, and me all alone smack dab in the middle trying to figure out who is crawling the fastest so I can grab him first.
I'm thinking no more movies with friends, no more staying up, dancing all night... I will be a mom and do mommy stuff... and sometimes, just sometimes, the thought terrifies me.
What if I screw up? What if my kids grow up to be villains? What if they hate me!? How will I keep them safe from the worries and the harms of this world?

But then, my pregnant, hormonal brain quiets down and I think that most of my mommy friends seem happy in their new roles. They hook up with more mommies and they become a happy mommy group. They enjoy their children and still love them after a sleepless night. And if they can do it, heck, maybe just maybe, I will manage too!!

Then a new thought pops in my head and its even more convincing. God, choose me to carry these babies and be their mommy and surely He knows better and sees further than lowly me. So surely, He wouldn't put this upon my shoulders if He didn't know they were strong enough.
But was it really God who chose me, or did He too got tired of my constant praying for a child that He decided much as I will do in the future, to just get me what I want so I would quit this insesant nagging?

And in case you are wondering, you are a mommy since the time you conceive. You show all the mommy characteristics anyway.
Suddenly yourself means nothing as long as your child is alright.
You provide for him by taking care of his environment (your body).
You worry about him, you sing to him, you buy him stuff, you want only the best for him and you love, love, love, love him with all the power of your little heart. You would give your own life just to make sure his has spared and you try to build an environment where he will live comfortably and happy for a long, long time...
And hey... this love is blind 'cause you haven't even met the kid yet... but your love and your bond is so strong that nothing, ever will break it...

My doctor recently told me that motherhood is a blank check and he is so right...
I even told my husband that if something would go wrong during delivery they should choose the babies over me... period!!

Yeah motherhood frightens me at times.. but somehow, I am sure... almost... that I will manage. All I need now, is a good nanny!! (and a lasting prescription for Valium... and some earplugs and...)

Sweet dreams boys!
Love,
Mom

1 comment:

sk77 said...

My sweet Zoodhie,

I had the same fears and thoughts from the very start of my pg..
I think its quite normal to behave like that especially now with all that hormones ringing bells in your body!!

All of us that we have to deal with infertility have the image of a nice sweet baby jelly taking care, but we don't see the image of an angry teen shouting at us..

I think its a way of thinking that all women have when they want to get pg and have family...We imagine all the good sweet moments that we come to our path but we ignore completely the bad ones..
thats good hun!!!!

if we really think in what crazy world our children will live in....then..maybe..I say maybe we will reconsider..

take care..
(see u in the forum!!)(thinkpositive)