Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Is this really happening to me?

Pregnancy is one of the things most little girls and young women assume will eventually happen to them. Most of them await the blessed event with little trepidation and a whole lot of wishful thinking, daydreaming and anticipation.
I was one of them... never mind the amount of time and gargantuan effort it took to actually get me pregnant (and no I don't mean on hubby's part!!), I am finally pregnant and I am enjoying it.
But was it what I assumed it would be like?
Heck no!!!

It all started with the extraordinary measures that had to be taken in order for this body to finally work and conceive.
It continued with a 2 week wait from Hell, where every improbably scenario just happened to happen to me... and it escalated to one single, life changing, I-will-never-forget-moment... my Big Fat Positive (BFP).

I cannot describe in words the feeling I had when my test showed two, yes two, pink lines!
Apparently I couldn't back then either because I started crying hysterically, then I wailed and wailed and then I went around the house like a mad woman, thanking the Virgin Mary for Her Grace...

I suppose happiness comes in little leaps because the next bout happened when for the first time I saw my little peanut's heartbeat on an ultrasound. I felt something so strong for that lima bean with the flickering heart, that words cannot describe... but it got even stronger when we heard we had two in there and then the weeks passed and it was time for us to see the little ones just at the end of my 1st trimester.

Those weren't lima beans anymore on the screen... Those were real, human looking little people in there, with arms and legs and eyes and they were moving and kicking and stretching and one was sucking a thumb!!
Right there and then, the twins stopped being something abstract, something that would happen someday, something that would grow into a human and became my children... my two baby sons!!!

So as I hit the 15 week mark and well into my 2nd trimester, I feel less worried, more confident and more eager to meet my babies.
I lay awake at night thinking about my children. What will they look like? What will they grow up to be? What will they smell like? Will they be quiet or fussy?
I keep playing the scene of my delivery day over and over in my head, trying out scenarios. I try to picture myself holding my (bloody) babies for the first time, still warm from the womb and I cannot believe this is really happening to me... To me!!
Its at times like those that I say out loud "Sweet Lord, this is really happening to me!!!"
And yet because the babies just barely started kicking strong enough to feel and because my physical symptoms are now settling down, I often wake up thinking this could have all been a dream... but a pat on my round belly helps remind me that no.... this is really happening to me!!
I am pregnant... with twins... boys... 15 weeks and pretty soon I will go shopping and decorate their room...

I just can't wait to meet them... wish I could sleep and wake up in November. I was never good with the waiting though and sometimes its hard to find the patience... which is why I now daydream about meeting them, holding them, singing to them... and may God in His infinite Grace, grant me my dream of two healthy, happy babies...

Good night and to all who are pregnant... baby dreams!!

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