I have been reading the book "To Full Term" by Darci Klein and I have been in tears over her losses many times. I am roughly in the middle of it.
However I am also filled with extreme anger at what I read.
Look, I do not mean to sound offensive. I do not mean to play the game "my country is better than yours" or whatever.. but I DO come from a different culture with different practices and views... and what I read about Mrs. Klein's OB care is simply... horrendous!
I cannot believe women in the US are offered ONE U/S at 20 weeks. ONE!
In their whole pregnancy... only one.
I cannot believe the things she writes. I mean, apparently they are quite true... just not for Greece.
I wonder this: if she had paid a doctor to do ultrasounds, would they?
My friends from the US and the UK tell me you have to get some kind of referral or permission to be seen... This is just silly! Over here we just call and make an appointment. Yes we pay for it but its not much.
Sersiously I cannot wrap my mind around what this woman went through.
I had dozens of ultrasounds and after my 20th week when things got tough with John, I had one a week, sometimes two a week.
I was under CONSTANT care. I chose my doctors carefully. I paid them $10,000 in the end, yes (and insurance paid back $6000 in cash) but I have BOTH my boys here, nice and healthy and John only spend a short while in the NICU mostly because of his IUGR.
And she lost her twins... they refused to test her!
Over here after a 2nd loss you are tested. Period... for everything. Including thrombophillias.
Over here there is no guessing and arguing over research. You don't see a different doctor every time. You have ONE doctor. And he is not "on call" and if you are lucky you get him to deliver. You call, he comes. Night or day. Whoever was your doctor will deliver you. Period.
I read about what she says, and I know this to be true from other ladies in the US I know, and it makes my skin crawl. I love the US, I just can't wrap my brain around the health system.
And she writes with a certainty and finality that this is how it is... and it needs to change and it doesn't. And I feel like I have to mail her to let her know that its not like that everywhere. Babies are saved daily over here.
To give you an example: when I was 23 weeks along, it was August. My doctor had told me he was going away for a few days with his wife and son. I was stable (I was his most high risk case) and he left an able doctor familiar with my case behind.
I wake up one morning and I am in terrible pain. I freak out. My cervix is pinching I have BH contractions.
I call my doc on his cell, during his vacation. He finds the other doctors (my own is miles and miles away in Cyprus) and they are delivering.
So he gets me another doctor in another hospital and my SIL drives me there and he does an ultrasound to make sure I am ok.
I mean a whole operation was set just to make sure I was ok. And I was. Cody had pushed John against my intestines and he had lodged his elbow in my cervix...
I delivered a baby alive and mostly well... had I been in the US I would have lost him.
I wouldn't have had my ultrasounds to check on his dying placenta or my expert doctors who knew what to do...
Do you know that we have 4 IVF centers in Athens alone? And that women from all over Europe and Australia (and other parts of the world I imagine) come here to get IVF?
And the cost... I hear about waiting lists and huge costs... seriously its not that expensive over here.
I just wanted to get this off my chest. I feel so frustrated when I read about her losses and her idiot doctors. She says they weren't measuring her cervix. I was at no risk for IC and I got a measurement EVERY SIGNLE TIME for the duration.
So sad... really... so sad.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Lord of the dance
We went to see Lord of the Dance today since they are now in Greece... We got 2nd row seats... but unfortunately we were too close to the stage :(
We thought it would be great to spend the $100 a person to see the show up close but heck we were so close, part of the magic was taken away :(
You could see things you werent' supposed to see, like how the dancers tied their shoes and secured them to their feet or that the lead dancer's trousers were torn and worn at the end... you know, little tiny things that make the dancers seem human... which is something you probably don't want when you are watching this show... of course being me doesn't help as sometimes I am too observant.
Anyway, the show was amazing! At first I was feeling apprehensive that Flatley was not dancing himself but the dancer doing the Lord won us over. He was just a tiny notch below Flatley in terms of dancing (amazing nevertheless though) but he was so.... love-able. I don't know how else to put it. He was very, very tall and well build (the opposite of Flatley) and the evil Lord was short(er) and thin(ner).
It kind of made the whole scene feel like David and Golliath... but that dancer too was really really good.
It was a nice 2 hour break from reality and if I could afford it, I would watch it again. This time from a row further back ;)
I am getting tickets to see Disney's Beauty and the Beast in November though... (and yes this time I won't get front row).
The row we got felt like we were the band underneath the stage... literally. We were just too close to the stage to get a panoramic view and man those firecrackers were loud!!
All in all an enjoyable evening.
I am off to bed now to drem of dancing... something I can't do in my current weight.. but man I was something when I was younger (and thinner) .. I got the tapes to prove it ;)
T.
We thought it would be great to spend the $100 a person to see the show up close but heck we were so close, part of the magic was taken away :(
You could see things you werent' supposed to see, like how the dancers tied their shoes and secured them to their feet or that the lead dancer's trousers were torn and worn at the end... you know, little tiny things that make the dancers seem human... which is something you probably don't want when you are watching this show... of course being me doesn't help as sometimes I am too observant.
Anyway, the show was amazing! At first I was feeling apprehensive that Flatley was not dancing himself but the dancer doing the Lord won us over. He was just a tiny notch below Flatley in terms of dancing (amazing nevertheless though) but he was so.... love-able. I don't know how else to put it. He was very, very tall and well build (the opposite of Flatley) and the evil Lord was short(er) and thin(ner).
It kind of made the whole scene feel like David and Golliath... but that dancer too was really really good.
It was a nice 2 hour break from reality and if I could afford it, I would watch it again. This time from a row further back ;)
I am getting tickets to see Disney's Beauty and the Beast in November though... (and yes this time I won't get front row).
The row we got felt like we were the band underneath the stage... literally. We were just too close to the stage to get a panoramic view and man those firecrackers were loud!!
All in all an enjoyable evening.
I am off to bed now to drem of dancing... something I can't do in my current weight.. but man I was something when I was younger (and thinner) .. I got the tapes to prove it ;)
T.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
The perfection of two pairs of brown eyes
It took me a while to get them to bed tonight but it was expected. They always loose their rhythm when their dad is away on duty for the day.
I can seriously loose myself in those dark brown eyes Cody has, and the lighter, HUGE hazel colored eyes John has.
Every day, every SINGLE day, they amaze me with something new. Today Cody talked on the phone... he said new things and he has a mouth full of teeth.
John hugged me really tight and danced for me. He almost has a mouth full of teeth and he ate very little today, probably because it hurts.
Oh! Cody also said "Chocolate" for (cocolat) for the first time today.
God, THANK YOU for picking these two out for me... You couldn't have sent me better babies... I love them so much I don't think this much emotion fits in my heart. I think it has spill and now its all over me and them...
Thank You God...
I can seriously loose myself in those dark brown eyes Cody has, and the lighter, HUGE hazel colored eyes John has.
Every day, every SINGLE day, they amaze me with something new. Today Cody talked on the phone... he said new things and he has a mouth full of teeth.
John hugged me really tight and danced for me. He almost has a mouth full of teeth and he ate very little today, probably because it hurts.
Oh! Cody also said "Chocolate" for (cocolat) for the first time today.
God, THANK YOU for picking these two out for me... You couldn't have sent me better babies... I love them so much I don't think this much emotion fits in my heart. I think it has spill and now its all over me and them...
Thank You God...
Monday, June 18, 2007
Longing for another baby...
Looking at my life right now, its near impossible to even think I would want another child.
My house is chaotic, my life even more so, I am running low on everything from money to patience... and yet every time I close my eyes all I can dream of is another baby.
Its a good thing I sculpt, because I wake up with such a powerful urge to create, even if its from my hands this time... I call it my instant (vs. waiting 40 wks) gratification.
Yet my heart aches for another baby to grow in me... I look at my little ones here with me and I am so proud... I love them so much! But seriously, I feel someone is missing from our gang.
Yet at the same time my "insane" dream has me in my later 30's with the boys a little more grown and me getting pregnant again...
Why is that?
When I got pregnant with the twins I couldn't be happier.. and I still am. But the practicality of the whole twin thing is my limited one on one time... my shared resources. The "I need to compromise and not buy the buggy I wanted because I need two cheaper ones"... silly huh?
Those "Norman Rockwell" moments as they say...
So I am secretly hoping against all hope that I will one day have another baby... when things are cooler around here and calmer and that I will get to do baby wearing all the time and breastfeeding for as long as I want to (Hormones allowing of course). I will get to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get exactly what I wanted for him (or her) and my boys will be old enough to not feel threatened by the baby... maybe when they are 7 or so, and see him (or her) like a little living doll perhaps and be happy and trully grasp the meaning of "big brother" ...
I don't know. I can certainly NOT afford a baby right now not just monetary but time-wise as well, but try telling that to my heart.
Last night I had an incredible dream. I had adopted a little (blind from birth, yes you read that right) toddler. I called her "Catherine". She had brown hair in a top knot and she was smiling... all through my dream she was smilling and she was really mine!!
I woke up with an insane desire for that little girl... I could smell her and feel her in my arms still.
In my dream I was older, a lot older and my boys where so proud and protective of their little sister... and as you would expect George was nowhere to be seen.
He is totally opposed to adoption, but don't judge him harshly. Its the way ALL Greek men are raised. Having biological children is the ONLY way for them to have children which is why we have so many orphans (and of course our crappy wait-for-ever adoption system).
Greek men are programmed from birth to love their offspring... I think we women are programmed to simply love all children... no matter whose uterus carried them.
At least a good thing came out of my dream... I am now obsessed with "Catherine" and I need to sculpt her... a life size 2 year old. I have too many orders to finish right now but maybe next week I can start.
Yup... I really do want another baby... even if its a clay one :)
My house is chaotic, my life even more so, I am running low on everything from money to patience... and yet every time I close my eyes all I can dream of is another baby.
Its a good thing I sculpt, because I wake up with such a powerful urge to create, even if its from my hands this time... I call it my instant (vs. waiting 40 wks) gratification.
Yet my heart aches for another baby to grow in me... I look at my little ones here with me and I am so proud... I love them so much! But seriously, I feel someone is missing from our gang.
Yet at the same time my "insane" dream has me in my later 30's with the boys a little more grown and me getting pregnant again...
Why is that?
When I got pregnant with the twins I couldn't be happier.. and I still am. But the practicality of the whole twin thing is my limited one on one time... my shared resources. The "I need to compromise and not buy the buggy I wanted because I need two cheaper ones"... silly huh?
Those "Norman Rockwell" moments as they say...
So I am secretly hoping against all hope that I will one day have another baby... when things are cooler around here and calmer and that I will get to do baby wearing all the time and breastfeeding for as long as I want to (Hormones allowing of course). I will get to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get exactly what I wanted for him (or her) and my boys will be old enough to not feel threatened by the baby... maybe when they are 7 or so, and see him (or her) like a little living doll perhaps and be happy and trully grasp the meaning of "big brother" ...
I don't know. I can certainly NOT afford a baby right now not just monetary but time-wise as well, but try telling that to my heart.
Last night I had an incredible dream. I had adopted a little (blind from birth, yes you read that right) toddler. I called her "Catherine". She had brown hair in a top knot and she was smiling... all through my dream she was smilling and she was really mine!!
I woke up with an insane desire for that little girl... I could smell her and feel her in my arms still.
In my dream I was older, a lot older and my boys where so proud and protective of their little sister... and as you would expect George was nowhere to be seen.
He is totally opposed to adoption, but don't judge him harshly. Its the way ALL Greek men are raised. Having biological children is the ONLY way for them to have children which is why we have so many orphans (and of course our crappy wait-for-ever adoption system).
Greek men are programmed from birth to love their offspring... I think we women are programmed to simply love all children... no matter whose uterus carried them.
At least a good thing came out of my dream... I am now obsessed with "Catherine" and I need to sculpt her... a life size 2 year old. I have too many orders to finish right now but maybe next week I can start.
Yup... I really do want another baby... even if its a clay one :)
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The show went well
I had a very tough month. It seems like when you are planning something, it never quite comes out exactly as you want it. But when this happens over and over again you are maybe starting to question the sanity or fairness of the Universe.
Preparing for a show is a strain on your time and your resources... preparing for a show when you have two toddlers is harder.
I simply fail to see how other people do it... Seriously!
I am on my feet most of my waking time, I work every single day, sculpting for hours on end and yet here I am still requiring a boat load of help from our nanny to cope. She tidies the house and takes care of the boys, irons the clothes etc. And yet I find myself never earning quite enough each month or never having enough energy by the end of the day.
The boys are wonderful and gorgeous but just so time consuming its mind bloggling. Do other 19 month olds play alone at all by this age? Because ours don't. They cling to us constantly and never give us a moment's peace. They wreck the house, openings cup-boards and throwing everything out, breaking things etc.
Its not that our kids aren't normal... its probably that I am just too tired to set limits at this point. I just can't hear them crying.
Its not that I don't say no, but I do try to allow them to explore as much as I can... I can't say no to everything they want... not everything should be out of reach or forbidden.
So when our nanny left us for a week and asked for some money in advance due to a family emergency, George stepped up... he took a week off work so that I could prepare for the show.
Things went well and thought I missed my kids terribly, I didn't stop talking about them through my stay. Everyone got an earful of Cody's and John's accomplishements and by the end of the weekend, their photos had been passed around enough times for all my friends to see their amazing cuteness.
I found myself immersed in adult conversations and my work being admired and thought I was shaking inside, because I am so shy naturally and so not used to attention, I found myself actually enjoying my stay eventually.
But I couldn't be happier when I boarded the plane home... my heart was counting down the minutes and the hours until I saw my kids.
When I arrived they were already asleep but at some point both woke up and I had the chance to cuddle with them. Even in their half-asleep state they both managed to smile at me and look happy I was there.
In all my life and with all my experiences and no matter what happens to me in the future, I will never ever find an experience or moment more thrilling, loving and bursting with love than this: its the moment I pick a boy up and hold him close, and he drapes his body across mine, his slim little arms holding me around the neck, his head resting on my shoulder... their body goes limp feeling secure and he lets out a sigh of relief... he feels complete and so do I. Its the moment he melts into my arms... I will never feel more complete than this...
Even though I was absolutely exhausted after a string of sleepless and worried nights and working for 14 hours a day... even though my eyes were so heavy I just couldn't get comfortable in my own bed. I twisted and turned until 3 am last night... but eventually sleep came and the boys were so kind as to not request their 5am bottle but instead sleep through to 8am.
I mentioned earlier that our nanny had requested some advance money to buy her plane ticket. Today she was acting strange. Having paid her half a month's salary, I thought I didn't have to pay her for a few more days so when she requested to be paid for those 10 days I hadn't paid her and then some, I told her that ok but I would have to keep $5 a day from her salary to make up for the earlier money advance.
She told me that she didn't owe me any money and that I owed her instead. She said that she was getting paid peanuts ($900 cash every month) and that I never paid her for summer vacation or Easter bonus.
Now if you are from another country you are probably saying that I do in fact pay her peanuts but in Greece this is a LOT of money. Its more than the basic salary, she works 7 hours a day not 8 and from those 7, the boys are sleeping for 2 and she watches TV.
True she does an amazing job but I just can't pay her any more.
To give you an analogy of her salary, my husband is a Navy officer with the rank of Warrant Officer. After 18 years in the Force his salary is $1600 a month. She gets $900... cash.
I felt the house gutted. I couldn't possibly afford to pay her more... She made it sound as if she was working for free. A salary for a lady doing her job in Greece is around $600 a month so already I am paying more than my friends are paying their nanny.
Plus she comes and goes as she pleases, I never say anything when she is late or has to leave early or when she takes the boys out for hours on end in order to run her own errants.
On top she is not really teaching them anything. She lets them run around the house or confinds them to their playpen while she does things. At 19 months old I find my children are now falling behind their peers because I simply must work and the hours I do spend with them are not enough apparently to teach them or be creative with them. Plus I do recognize I lack the energy or will power with everything weighing down on me to be more strict with them or deal with Cody's temper tantrums.
Yes, I am gutted but what can I possibly do? We cannot survive without me working. I just simply have to work... and to do that I need a nanny...
So it is with a very heavy heart that I now let og of our nanny and enroll the boys to school.
The cons are huge: they will get sick so often and miss days and I will miss days off work. Our money will go down exponentially since I will be missing days... my stress level and work load will go up...
But I am adamant that I will not succumb to blackmail from this woman.
I have no doubt in my mind she loves them dearly but a disgruntled employee will not perform well. She will start cutting corners like she did in the beginning of the year; not cleaning the house or cooking for them because "I wasn't paying her what she is worth".
Again I must stress that I am actually paying her a lot more than everyone else... and when I can I give her bonuses. This past Christmas a company deal I had went sour and I had no money, absolutely no money to get by. I didn't get my boys anything or my husband... but I paid her what I could as a bonus $350.
She is not happy, she can go.
I know it will be a huge change in our family routine but eventually I am sure the boys will adapt and they will do well in school. They will meet friends and be put on a schedule and be "creatively taught". I am not sure how ready I am for change.
I loathe change but its so funny because with kids change is the only sure thing.... but I so like our routine right now.
Kiss it goodbye Tina because what can you do? I will not get another nanny... I just can't. Took me a long time to trust this one I simply cannot change nannies.
Putting the boys in school is the best thing I think right now...
So tomorrow I am on the prowl again to see yet another school nearby.
So wish me luck...
Preparing for a show is a strain on your time and your resources... preparing for a show when you have two toddlers is harder.
I simply fail to see how other people do it... Seriously!
I am on my feet most of my waking time, I work every single day, sculpting for hours on end and yet here I am still requiring a boat load of help from our nanny to cope. She tidies the house and takes care of the boys, irons the clothes etc. And yet I find myself never earning quite enough each month or never having enough energy by the end of the day.
The boys are wonderful and gorgeous but just so time consuming its mind bloggling. Do other 19 month olds play alone at all by this age? Because ours don't. They cling to us constantly and never give us a moment's peace. They wreck the house, openings cup-boards and throwing everything out, breaking things etc.
Its not that our kids aren't normal... its probably that I am just too tired to set limits at this point. I just can't hear them crying.
Its not that I don't say no, but I do try to allow them to explore as much as I can... I can't say no to everything they want... not everything should be out of reach or forbidden.
So when our nanny left us for a week and asked for some money in advance due to a family emergency, George stepped up... he took a week off work so that I could prepare for the show.
Things went well and thought I missed my kids terribly, I didn't stop talking about them through my stay. Everyone got an earful of Cody's and John's accomplishements and by the end of the weekend, their photos had been passed around enough times for all my friends to see their amazing cuteness.
I found myself immersed in adult conversations and my work being admired and thought I was shaking inside, because I am so shy naturally and so not used to attention, I found myself actually enjoying my stay eventually.
But I couldn't be happier when I boarded the plane home... my heart was counting down the minutes and the hours until I saw my kids.
When I arrived they were already asleep but at some point both woke up and I had the chance to cuddle with them. Even in their half-asleep state they both managed to smile at me and look happy I was there.
In all my life and with all my experiences and no matter what happens to me in the future, I will never ever find an experience or moment more thrilling, loving and bursting with love than this: its the moment I pick a boy up and hold him close, and he drapes his body across mine, his slim little arms holding me around the neck, his head resting on my shoulder... their body goes limp feeling secure and he lets out a sigh of relief... he feels complete and so do I. Its the moment he melts into my arms... I will never feel more complete than this...
Even though I was absolutely exhausted after a string of sleepless and worried nights and working for 14 hours a day... even though my eyes were so heavy I just couldn't get comfortable in my own bed. I twisted and turned until 3 am last night... but eventually sleep came and the boys were so kind as to not request their 5am bottle but instead sleep through to 8am.
I mentioned earlier that our nanny had requested some advance money to buy her plane ticket. Today she was acting strange. Having paid her half a month's salary, I thought I didn't have to pay her for a few more days so when she requested to be paid for those 10 days I hadn't paid her and then some, I told her that ok but I would have to keep $5 a day from her salary to make up for the earlier money advance.
She told me that she didn't owe me any money and that I owed her instead. She said that she was getting paid peanuts ($900 cash every month) and that I never paid her for summer vacation or Easter bonus.
Now if you are from another country you are probably saying that I do in fact pay her peanuts but in Greece this is a LOT of money. Its more than the basic salary, she works 7 hours a day not 8 and from those 7, the boys are sleeping for 2 and she watches TV.
True she does an amazing job but I just can't pay her any more.
To give you an analogy of her salary, my husband is a Navy officer with the rank of Warrant Officer. After 18 years in the Force his salary is $1600 a month. She gets $900... cash.
I felt the house gutted. I couldn't possibly afford to pay her more... She made it sound as if she was working for free. A salary for a lady doing her job in Greece is around $600 a month so already I am paying more than my friends are paying their nanny.
Plus she comes and goes as she pleases, I never say anything when she is late or has to leave early or when she takes the boys out for hours on end in order to run her own errants.
On top she is not really teaching them anything. She lets them run around the house or confinds them to their playpen while she does things. At 19 months old I find my children are now falling behind their peers because I simply must work and the hours I do spend with them are not enough apparently to teach them or be creative with them. Plus I do recognize I lack the energy or will power with everything weighing down on me to be more strict with them or deal with Cody's temper tantrums.
Yes, I am gutted but what can I possibly do? We cannot survive without me working. I just simply have to work... and to do that I need a nanny...
So it is with a very heavy heart that I now let og of our nanny and enroll the boys to school.
The cons are huge: they will get sick so often and miss days and I will miss days off work. Our money will go down exponentially since I will be missing days... my stress level and work load will go up...
But I am adamant that I will not succumb to blackmail from this woman.
I have no doubt in my mind she loves them dearly but a disgruntled employee will not perform well. She will start cutting corners like she did in the beginning of the year; not cleaning the house or cooking for them because "I wasn't paying her what she is worth".
Again I must stress that I am actually paying her a lot more than everyone else... and when I can I give her bonuses. This past Christmas a company deal I had went sour and I had no money, absolutely no money to get by. I didn't get my boys anything or my husband... but I paid her what I could as a bonus $350.
She is not happy, she can go.
I know it will be a huge change in our family routine but eventually I am sure the boys will adapt and they will do well in school. They will meet friends and be put on a schedule and be "creatively taught". I am not sure how ready I am for change.
I loathe change but its so funny because with kids change is the only sure thing.... but I so like our routine right now.
Kiss it goodbye Tina because what can you do? I will not get another nanny... I just can't. Took me a long time to trust this one I simply cannot change nannies.
Putting the boys in school is the best thing I think right now...
So tomorrow I am on the prowl again to see yet another school nearby.
So wish me luck...
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Cody's got roseola!!!
Some new updates on the boys:
Cody started having a mild fever last Monday but no other cold/virus symptoms so I attributed it to the fact he is cutting 6 (!!!) teeth at once. He is now 18 months old and he only has 8 teeth (4 upper, 4 lower). So he is cutting his canines on both sides, and 4 molars LSo he was a bit warm but acting and eating normally on Monday… but Tuesday at dawn he was burning up with a 104 temp so I realized my kid is sick… I gave him some paracetamol and his fever went right down. In the morning he was grumpy and needed constant holding… with a very heavy heart and his cries echoing in my ears I left him with his nanny as I simply could not miss work… again.
I came home early and held him the rest of the day… he had a rough night so I was up with him for most of it. The high fevers continued for days but he still showed no signs of a cold. Having had a bad (and totally unnecessary) hospital stay with John 6 weeks earlier, I was very hesitant to take Cody in. The paracetamol was very successful at keeping the fever down and when he was fever-less he was almost his normal self.
Still the nights were rough and I “exiled” George to the couch while I had Cody sleep in our bed so I could keep an eye on his fever. On Friday, the fever was barely broken so I took him to see his regular ped. He couldn’t find anything wrong other than a sore throat… the next morning Cody had a bad rash all over his body even between hi s toes… and then I knew what it was. Roseola!
John had it 6 weeks ago but apparently Cody (who has a normal immune system as opposed to his brother who is immune-compromised) did not really “get it” until he had a cold two weeks ago. His immune system went down and then the Roseola appeared. It is a harmless disease really…
Today is day 2 of the rash and he seems ok for the most part but he is VERY irritable and he always was the tantrum machine of the house, so imagine how he is acting now. The slightest “no” sends him spinning and his tantrum escalates before you can say “lime”. Cody also has the habit of hurting himself when he is frustrated by banging his head hard on the floor or wall (or wherever) so we have tried to keep him satisfied. My poor, poor angel L
In addition, as a reaction to the virus, his eye (which has a problem since he was born) is now swollen almost completely shut and is oozing puss L This happens every time Cody gets sick and we are treating it with eye drops. He looks terrible… but he feels great otherwise.I had to go buy shoes for him yesterday as all of a sudden his sneakers are too small for him. So I took him with me, as he has big feet and not only I need the size to be right for him but the form of the shoe as well. I got some pretty weird looks with my spotty, swollen eyed kid at the baby store. At Mothercare the sales lady asked what was wrong and I got to explain but at the shoe store nobody asked. God knows what they thought!!
In other news, George and I were very surprised that both the boys had a growth spurt this week. Cody now wears a size EU24 shoe which I think is a toddlers 7 ½ (John EU22). They both had gotten taller but Cody more than John so their size difference is pretty evident now.
Cody is 35.4” tall and weighs 28.6 lbs. John is an inch and a half shorter and weighs 24lbs. I know the difference doesn’t seem like much when you put it in numbers, but John has a different body type than Cody. He has very long limbs and fingers and is generally “delicate” featured where Cody has a long trunk and shorter legs (typical of his age whereas John kept his “post-mature worm-like” appearance he had at birth due to his placenta/growth problems). Cody also has a very, very full head of hair which adds to him “older child” appearance. John of course had a full head of hair too (except the front hairline) but his hair is shorter because it hasn’t grown yet so he looks more baby-ish. Yup! He is my baby and Cody is my big kid J lol
I was told the other day that John is too cute/ beautiful/dainty to be a boy. Both of them have extremely long doll-like eyelashes… they are just too cute lol
John has grown more attached to me, actually asking for me and preferring me and that makes me very happy as I felt rejected by his independent “I-can-do-it-myself” attitude. He now hugs me and kisses me and bit me the other day and drew blood. Ouch!I am so grateful for my angels!!
However Cody’s tantrum problems need to be addressed. All toddlers throw tantrums but Cody goes from zero to a meltdown in seconds. He is either spoiled or there is something wrong. He seems overly attached to me. He has a meltdown when I go and he is totally attached even missing play when I am home in fear he will loose me. I hope it’s a phase.. I will ask his ped in a few days when Cody recovers and we go in for his immunizations.
Mostly I want to address the self-hurt thing. I know his head must hurt from all the banging he does when he throws a tantrum and George is loosing patience with him saying he is just stubborn and spoiled (gee I wonder where he got that gene from … hmmm who else do I know who acts exactly like this in the more “adult” kind of way? Hmmm let me think….)
So, ok this was mostly a Cody update since things were wrong with him this week. I haven’t worked too much and my show in the UK is coming up in June FAST. I need to get organized but its SO hard. I really hope for a good, productive week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
Cody started having a mild fever last Monday but no other cold/virus symptoms so I attributed it to the fact he is cutting 6 (!!!) teeth at once. He is now 18 months old and he only has 8 teeth (4 upper, 4 lower). So he is cutting his canines on both sides, and 4 molars LSo he was a bit warm but acting and eating normally on Monday… but Tuesday at dawn he was burning up with a 104 temp so I realized my kid is sick… I gave him some paracetamol and his fever went right down. In the morning he was grumpy and needed constant holding… with a very heavy heart and his cries echoing in my ears I left him with his nanny as I simply could not miss work… again.
I came home early and held him the rest of the day… he had a rough night so I was up with him for most of it. The high fevers continued for days but he still showed no signs of a cold. Having had a bad (and totally unnecessary) hospital stay with John 6 weeks earlier, I was very hesitant to take Cody in. The paracetamol was very successful at keeping the fever down and when he was fever-less he was almost his normal self.
Still the nights were rough and I “exiled” George to the couch while I had Cody sleep in our bed so I could keep an eye on his fever. On Friday, the fever was barely broken so I took him to see his regular ped. He couldn’t find anything wrong other than a sore throat… the next morning Cody had a bad rash all over his body even between hi s toes… and then I knew what it was. Roseola!
John had it 6 weeks ago but apparently Cody (who has a normal immune system as opposed to his brother who is immune-compromised) did not really “get it” until he had a cold two weeks ago. His immune system went down and then the Roseola appeared. It is a harmless disease really…
Today is day 2 of the rash and he seems ok for the most part but he is VERY irritable and he always was the tantrum machine of the house, so imagine how he is acting now. The slightest “no” sends him spinning and his tantrum escalates before you can say “lime”. Cody also has the habit of hurting himself when he is frustrated by banging his head hard on the floor or wall (or wherever) so we have tried to keep him satisfied. My poor, poor angel L
In addition, as a reaction to the virus, his eye (which has a problem since he was born) is now swollen almost completely shut and is oozing puss L This happens every time Cody gets sick and we are treating it with eye drops. He looks terrible… but he feels great otherwise.I had to go buy shoes for him yesterday as all of a sudden his sneakers are too small for him. So I took him with me, as he has big feet and not only I need the size to be right for him but the form of the shoe as well. I got some pretty weird looks with my spotty, swollen eyed kid at the baby store. At Mothercare the sales lady asked what was wrong and I got to explain but at the shoe store nobody asked. God knows what they thought!!
In other news, George and I were very surprised that both the boys had a growth spurt this week. Cody now wears a size EU24 shoe which I think is a toddlers 7 ½ (John EU22). They both had gotten taller but Cody more than John so their size difference is pretty evident now.
Cody is 35.4” tall and weighs 28.6 lbs. John is an inch and a half shorter and weighs 24lbs. I know the difference doesn’t seem like much when you put it in numbers, but John has a different body type than Cody. He has very long limbs and fingers and is generally “delicate” featured where Cody has a long trunk and shorter legs (typical of his age whereas John kept his “post-mature worm-like” appearance he had at birth due to his placenta/growth problems). Cody also has a very, very full head of hair which adds to him “older child” appearance. John of course had a full head of hair too (except the front hairline) but his hair is shorter because it hasn’t grown yet so he looks more baby-ish. Yup! He is my baby and Cody is my big kid J lol
I was told the other day that John is too cute/ beautiful/dainty to be a boy. Both of them have extremely long doll-like eyelashes… they are just too cute lol
John has grown more attached to me, actually asking for me and preferring me and that makes me very happy as I felt rejected by his independent “I-can-do-it-myself” attitude. He now hugs me and kisses me and bit me the other day and drew blood. Ouch!I am so grateful for my angels!!
However Cody’s tantrum problems need to be addressed. All toddlers throw tantrums but Cody goes from zero to a meltdown in seconds. He is either spoiled or there is something wrong. He seems overly attached to me. He has a meltdown when I go and he is totally attached even missing play when I am home in fear he will loose me. I hope it’s a phase.. I will ask his ped in a few days when Cody recovers and we go in for his immunizations.
Mostly I want to address the self-hurt thing. I know his head must hurt from all the banging he does when he throws a tantrum and George is loosing patience with him saying he is just stubborn and spoiled (gee I wonder where he got that gene from … hmmm who else do I know who acts exactly like this in the more “adult” kind of way? Hmmm let me think….)
So, ok this was mostly a Cody update since things were wrong with him this week. I haven’t worked too much and my show in the UK is coming up in June FAST. I need to get organized but its SO hard. I really hope for a good, productive week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Here we go... again
Its been a while since I wrote something but thats because I have been crazy busy and other than your regular day to day troubles, things had been pretty good for a while...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"
And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.
If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).
He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.
Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.
And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.
And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?
I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.
Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?
Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...
Until yesterday that is... I really hate having to write dark and gloomy things in my blog and I really hate being this whiney person who cannot answer truthfully "I am fine" when asked "how are you doing?"
And I really don't get it! I am up all day doing things, my (fat) legs hurt at the end of each day to the point I can't sleep from the pain and still, STILL all my husband can say is I don't do enough.
I can be doing 20 things out of the 21 in a "to-do" list and he gets hang up on the 1 thing I didn't do.
Or I can be totally wrong and he is totally right... I am up to no good.
Those of you who don't really like me, probably think I so deserve this... those of you who do like me and know my husband and have lived even from the telephone just one of his terrible temper explosions, probably shake your head with sympathy right now.
If we were to write a list of all the things I do and all the things he does, including work and the house whose list do you think would be longer?
He wants to drive my car but not actually pay for insurance or service or physically take it for washing or an oil change... he just wants it clean and running without doing anything about it (including having bought it in the first place).
He wants his electricity and water and gas but without actually having to pay for a bill or physically go pay a bill...
He wants, he wants, he wants... he wants EVERYTHING with only giving a teeny amount of time and effort on his part... He has the absolute luxury of sitting at his computer for fun, doing his thing and he has the luxury of going out at least once a month on dinners and drinks and meetings with interstesting people where he doesn't discuss the kids and where they pick his brain about all the things he knows about computers and make him feel important...
And he absolutely calls me an idiot and lazy when after 24 hours of a blinding migraine, I put the kids to bed and lay down too in the dark room because I can't see 2 feet ahead of from the pain.
Yes I don't do the dishes and I don't care if my house looks like a bomb exploded in there in the weekends when the nanny doesn't come. Yes I don't much care about the house, I prefer to either work or be with the kids. We owe a shitload of money that I can barely cover each month but I somehow manage to pay for the bills, food and the nanny (which is over $2500 a month) without asking for a single penny from him and all he says is I am fat, I am messy and a bad mother.
And after spending the whole day yesterday calling me names and hysterically yelling in front of his mother, father and our kids for more than a whole hour and of course saying he doesn't give a fuck I am a psychological train wreck and that I should just get used to it because thats how it is when you have kids, he was even more cross at me when I wasn't all sweet in the evening with him.
I had nothing to say to him... I still have nothing to say to him.
Call me a wuss... I call myself "wise". I know my husband better than you... yelling at him even when I am 100% right will only get me a black eye. He is just that kind of person... the more I think of it the more I think that I married the wrong guy.
I should have known... the signs were there... some of them were. Some things he said and didn't follow through... I was blind wasn't I?
I was just so happy that this "super hunk" of a man wanted me after all the years I was secretly in love with him that I left my home to rent the appartment I couldn't afford on the promise we would move in together... and he never came.
Then we got married and when later he said "it was either get married or buy a sports car" I thought he was joking... and when he came back to me after he dumped the tramp he had left me for in the first place, I thought "yay I am better than her I won him over"... but nope.
She stood up to him and yelled as loud as he when I was the doormat... and he prefered the door mat.
And here you have it... the post I keep writing over and over again always the same one... "My husband is an absolute ass" ... and now that I see it, its too late. And according to him and (most of the time) his family the fault is mine. And I am trapped... without money, resources and bound by the love for my kids who will have to suffer if I do anything other than shut up, at least for now.
I know you want me to yell and then what? Storm out? I will never see the kids again. Where will I go? I have no family... I have nothing. I have put everything into this appartment, this relationship... or do you think I will have the time or luxury to lay out my arguments and he will listen to me calmly and at the end he will say "gee honey you are so right! I have been an ass" and he will admit to everything.... or even we yell a little at each other but eventually come to terms? Which scenario do you think will play out if I open my mouth and I stand up to this injustice?
I will tell you which one... He won't let me finish a single sentence... everything I say about him will have an explanation and it will always be the same ... Its my fault because if I had done this or that I wouldn't have made him angry so he wouldn't have yelled at me or hit me or throw things. I provoke him with my actions or by simply being here.
And after he has lost all control, because every time I open my mouth will make him more angry at me... or even if I say nothing or even if I agree he will be more angry at me, he will explode and will trash the house or beat me up.
Do you still think I am a wuss now? I have no money, I have no family, I have no friends and I have no support. If I open the door and leave, he will never let me see my kids again. I am overweight and physically weak so there are only so many jobs I can do. My credit card is maxed out and I have nothing to my name... do you still think I am a wuss?
I married a guy I thought was someone else... and for a time he was. He asks 100 things of me.. no he DEMANDS 100 things of me and gets hung up on the 1 I didn't do all the while he does maybe 10 in return. And he thinks he is absolutely within his rights to demand all of these things... and he has a humongous ego. And he never "discusses" things. Even the most mundaine of talks always ends up in a huge fight because he can't keep his temper... do you still think I should confront him? What will I gain?
What will my babies gain?
Bottom line... I shouldn't have married him. I should have read the signs. I was a thin, smart, educated, independent, outspoken, good looking young woman... and here I am now... 29 years old, extremely overweight in only 5 years, who dares not even speak up to her husband with no friends, and two kids that she really, really wanted... but got after many years of trying and with the wrong man.
This person I see in the mirror is not me... I used to see a laughing face... now all I see is two sunken eyes and wrinkles and white hair.
I shouldn't have married him... in fact I am pretty sure he doesn't even love me... maybe he never did... he just needed all those things he saw I could do. He just wanted to leave his mother's house at age 29 but needed someone to take care of him... and I was so in love and giving... I was perfect. Too bad he hasn't as perfect for me...
Friday, December 22, 2006
Ladies and gentlemen...
I really wish I could write something happy for a change... I wish I was not the whining person I come across as being... but when I write about how awful everything is here, I get it out of my system and I can go on with my day...
Its almost Christmas and things are not going well for me... for us.
We are flat broke because I wasn't paid... :( In fact I haven't had any contact with my employer in 3 weeks. They ignore my e-mails... so we haven't bought anything for the kids (but its ok, they are only 13 months old so they don't understand and they will get plenty from their grandparents)... I haven't decorated the tree because I can't find half the decorations and the tree's base screws... I did put up some lights in the kid's room and outside though.
My husband has been more volatile than ever with me not getting paid. He is extremely annoyed at me. Today we went grocery shopping and God, he yelled at me the whole way in and out. He knows its not my fault... heck I even begged for my payment... but he is very stressed out and he needs to vent... and I make a great punching bag.
I also quit the forum I frequented last night. I had a real eye opener experience and well, its not for me. Its not that I am not welcome but the amount of people I pissed off by my whining is large... and you know, they are right. I have nothing constructive to offer. I am this constant whining idiot and nobody needs that.
Its ok... I don't really have the time for forums... heck I don't have time for this journal. My son is awake.
Ciao
Its almost Christmas and things are not going well for me... for us.
We are flat broke because I wasn't paid... :( In fact I haven't had any contact with my employer in 3 weeks. They ignore my e-mails... so we haven't bought anything for the kids (but its ok, they are only 13 months old so they don't understand and they will get plenty from their grandparents)... I haven't decorated the tree because I can't find half the decorations and the tree's base screws... I did put up some lights in the kid's room and outside though.
My husband has been more volatile than ever with me not getting paid. He is extremely annoyed at me. Today we went grocery shopping and God, he yelled at me the whole way in and out. He knows its not my fault... heck I even begged for my payment... but he is very stressed out and he needs to vent... and I make a great punching bag.
I also quit the forum I frequented last night. I had a real eye opener experience and well, its not for me. Its not that I am not welcome but the amount of people I pissed off by my whining is large... and you know, they are right. I have nothing constructive to offer. I am this constant whining idiot and nobody needs that.
Its ok... I don't really have the time for forums... heck I don't have time for this journal. My son is awake.
Ciao
Monday, August 22, 2005
10 Things 9 Months Plus Will Never Tell You
Top 10 Things They Won't Tell You About Pregnancy & MotherhoodBy Yours Truly
1. Your belly is NOT the only thing that will grow huge during pregnancy
2. You will get a ton of cellulite
3. You will burp and fart like nothing else
4. Pregnancy is also painful
5. All the lotion in the world won't save you the stretch marks if you are genetically predisposed
6. It will get worse before it gets better
7. As much as you love your little one, sometimes you will wish it came with a muffler
8. There's a good reason men don't have babies
9. You won't necessarily glow and pregnancy might not be the best time in your life
10. The mommy in the baby food commercials, with the clean pajamas, wearing makeup and having perfect hair, a spotless house and a baby who opens his mouth delightfully expecting the next mouthful... DOES NOT EXIST (and most certainly won't be you or me)
(11. Pregnancy lasts 10 months! Not 9!! Add 40 weeks up and see how many months you end up with!)
1. Your belly is NOT the only thing that will grow huge during pregnancy
2. You will get a ton of cellulite
3. You will burp and fart like nothing else
4. Pregnancy is also painful
5. All the lotion in the world won't save you the stretch marks if you are genetically predisposed
6. It will get worse before it gets better
7. As much as you love your little one, sometimes you will wish it came with a muffler
8. There's a good reason men don't have babies
9. You won't necessarily glow and pregnancy might not be the best time in your life
10. The mommy in the baby food commercials, with the clean pajamas, wearing makeup and having perfect hair, a spotless house and a baby who opens his mouth delightfully expecting the next mouthful... DOES NOT EXIST (and most certainly won't be you or me)
(11. Pregnancy lasts 10 months! Not 9!! Add 40 weeks up and see how many months you end up with!)
Pregnancy Timeline
November 2004 - Start Ovulation Supresion
February 2005 - First AF after supresion
March 2005 - Start of Follistim Cycle 150 units a day
CD 14 reveals 12 eggs around 18mm, lining is 14mm
CD 16 the eggies have grown some but so has the lining
CD 17 we trigger and cross fingers, lining is 17mm (yikes)
Ovulation happens at around 10pm on Monday 14th March
2 week wait - During the 2ww I get moderate to severe OHSS which haunts me till the end of the 1st trimester
8, 9 and 10dpo - Spotting brown and pink and cramping and I think the cycle has failed and I expect AF to show up any minute
12dpo - I see a dream full of young children and in the morning I test and I get my first ever BFP!!! I tell George who does not believe me after all these years and wants to see it verified by someone in a white coat!
14dpo - HCG is 156.4
16dpo - HCG is 222 - we worry about ectopic or something else
20dpo - HCG is 1202
5w 2d - We see a sac and a fetal pole
6w 2d - We have a heartbeat
7w 2d - Baby's H/B is 180bpm
8w 2d - Surprise, surprise, we have TWO babies in there!!!
9w - Emergency U/S due to bleeding - Small placental detachment but babies are ok
12wks 4d - NT test, we were told we probably have two boys in there and we got excellent results. About 1:7000 for T21 and 1:11000 for T13,18
14 wks - REALLY felt babies kick
16wks 4d - Babies are still doing great and weigh more than 5oz each
20 wks - I start feeling the babies from the outside as well
21 wks 2d - Level II scan. Babies are still boys (with a small reservation on baby B) and weigh 14oz approximately. Baby B has reduced amniotic fluid
21 wks 4d - Baby B's amniotic fluid is normal on repeat scan
24 wks 5d - Emergency U/S due to severa abdominal pain. Baby B (John) had wedged his elbow between bowel and uterus!! OUCH
Next milestones:
1/9 - Next U/S
I hit 28 wks on 12th September
I have my shower on the 17th September
I will get the steroid shots for babies' lungs at 30 weeks
I will go on bedrest as a precaution on 10/10
Tentative C-section date scheduled for 11/15
February 2005 - First AF after supresion
March 2005 - Start of Follistim Cycle 150 units a day
CD 14 reveals 12 eggs around 18mm, lining is 14mm
CD 16 the eggies have grown some but so has the lining
CD 17 we trigger and cross fingers, lining is 17mm (yikes)
Ovulation happens at around 10pm on Monday 14th March
2 week wait - During the 2ww I get moderate to severe OHSS which haunts me till the end of the 1st trimester
8, 9 and 10dpo - Spotting brown and pink and cramping and I think the cycle has failed and I expect AF to show up any minute
12dpo - I see a dream full of young children and in the morning I test and I get my first ever BFP!!! I tell George who does not believe me after all these years and wants to see it verified by someone in a white coat!
14dpo - HCG is 156.4
16dpo - HCG is 222 - we worry about ectopic or something else
20dpo - HCG is 1202
5w 2d - We see a sac and a fetal pole
6w 2d - We have a heartbeat
7w 2d - Baby's H/B is 180bpm
8w 2d - Surprise, surprise, we have TWO babies in there!!!
9w - Emergency U/S due to bleeding - Small placental detachment but babies are ok
12wks 4d - NT test, we were told we probably have two boys in there and we got excellent results. About 1:7000 for T21 and 1:11000 for T13,18
14 wks - REALLY felt babies kick
16wks 4d - Babies are still doing great and weigh more than 5oz each
20 wks - I start feeling the babies from the outside as well
21 wks 2d - Level II scan. Babies are still boys (with a small reservation on baby B) and weigh 14oz approximately. Baby B has reduced amniotic fluid
21 wks 4d - Baby B's amniotic fluid is normal on repeat scan
24 wks 5d - Emergency U/S due to severa abdominal pain. Baby B (John) had wedged his elbow between bowel and uterus!! OUCH
Next milestones:
1/9 - Next U/S
I hit 28 wks on 12th September
I have my shower on the 17th September
I will get the steroid shots for babies' lungs at 30 weeks
I will go on bedrest as a precaution on 10/10
Tentative C-section date scheduled for 11/15
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Belly Armor Plating!
I woke up this morning after this terrible dream... I was looking at my naked belly and all of a sudden the baby on the left side (Cody) swept his face across the uterus and I it from the outside, kind of like in the Alien movies!!! I freaked out completely!! I woke up breathing heavy and feeling funny... this feeling of tenderness towards my little boy mixed with a feeling that my belly skin is so thin and that I am not protecting them enough...
Fast forward to tonight. I was sitting, looking at my belly and had a De ja vu moment as Cody turned sides inside my belly and I saw it happen from the outside. For a second or two, this tennis ball sized head, showed up clear as day as my boy executed his flipping maneuver.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched and felt helpless from the outside, realizing that this is all the separates my tiny, tiny and frail babies from the harsh outside world. Just a few layers of muscle and skin!How can I protect them? Will touching my belly or Beau laying on me, hurt them? What if as he turns, I accidentally hurt him? What if he pokes an eye out on my finger or something? I mean his head was right there!!!
It really, really scared me to the point I started to wail. George came over, laughing as I tried to explain that I just saw our son's head move across my belly and I felt it too!!
After both Cody and I (I am sure his mothers hysterics freaked the boy out!) both calmed down I decided I know exactly what I need!!I need a nice, solid, impenetrable piece of belly armor plating!!!
So... do you think eBay does that??
T.
Fast forward to tonight. I was sitting, looking at my belly and had a De ja vu moment as Cody turned sides inside my belly and I saw it happen from the outside. For a second or two, this tennis ball sized head, showed up clear as day as my boy executed his flipping maneuver.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched and felt helpless from the outside, realizing that this is all the separates my tiny, tiny and frail babies from the harsh outside world. Just a few layers of muscle and skin!How can I protect them? Will touching my belly or Beau laying on me, hurt them? What if as he turns, I accidentally hurt him? What if he pokes an eye out on my finger or something? I mean his head was right there!!!
It really, really scared me to the point I started to wail. George came over, laughing as I tried to explain that I just saw our son's head move across my belly and I felt it too!!
After both Cody and I (I am sure his mothers hysterics freaked the boy out!) both calmed down I decided I know exactly what I need!!I need a nice, solid, impenetrable piece of belly armor plating!!!
So... do you think eBay does that??
T.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
The mediocracy of the 50% percentile
Let me preface this post by saying.. I am average! Hubby is average too.I am average everything. Average height, average cute, average intelligence. NOTHING special about me. Nothing special about hubby either.. There was nothing special about us our whole lives. Just your garden type variety fellas... and this goes down rather well with us. I mean, we know we are your average, next door Joes but when it comes down to your kid, you want the best right?
I don't really believe I will breed the next Einstein or a miniature Chopin but I will be sure to try... and this kind of expectation and effort seems to start from the womb, especially when coupled with my bottomless (and annoying) anxiety about this pregnancy.
So when we went for our Level II ultrasound at 21 weeks, and the doctor told us everything looks good, everything was were it is supposed to be and apparently functioning, I felt relieved.However when I read the report that our babies were at the 50% percentile (your average, garden variety babies) I was a bit let down.I would have felt SO much better if the doctor had said "your babies are advanced for their gestational age" or "they measure 3 days ahead"...Then there would have been some margin for error. Skipping a meal or not taking a vitamin perhaps... some small assurance that I am not only doing things right, but this pregnancy is going sooo good, my babies are growing like weeds.
I don't really mind they are average. I am average. Average is good... but at least while in the womb can't they do something extraordinary like be big and advanced so in case they are born early, they will have this much more of a chance??
That's all I want for them. A chance! A fighting chance!So here I am 3 weeks past my ultrasound, worrying because last night I forgot to take my iron supplement... because when you are average, you really do need every little piece of leverage you can get!! Right?Look at me... they are not even here yet and I am a pushy mom!! *sigh*
Next ultrasound is 9/1. Hope I have good news to report then too .... hopefully that our babies are now over a pound (which is the average) and that my missing a few days of supplements (preggo brain!) didn't really have any super adverse effects on their growth... :)
T.
I don't really believe I will breed the next Einstein or a miniature Chopin but I will be sure to try... and this kind of expectation and effort seems to start from the womb, especially when coupled with my bottomless (and annoying) anxiety about this pregnancy.
So when we went for our Level II ultrasound at 21 weeks, and the doctor told us everything looks good, everything was were it is supposed to be and apparently functioning, I felt relieved.However when I read the report that our babies were at the 50% percentile (your average, garden variety babies) I was a bit let down.I would have felt SO much better if the doctor had said "your babies are advanced for their gestational age" or "they measure 3 days ahead"...Then there would have been some margin for error. Skipping a meal or not taking a vitamin perhaps... some small assurance that I am not only doing things right, but this pregnancy is going sooo good, my babies are growing like weeds.
I don't really mind they are average. I am average. Average is good... but at least while in the womb can't they do something extraordinary like be big and advanced so in case they are born early, they will have this much more of a chance??
That's all I want for them. A chance! A fighting chance!So here I am 3 weeks past my ultrasound, worrying because last night I forgot to take my iron supplement... because when you are average, you really do need every little piece of leverage you can get!! Right?Look at me... they are not even here yet and I am a pushy mom!! *sigh*
Next ultrasound is 9/1. Hope I have good news to report then too .... hopefully that our babies are now over a pound (which is the average) and that my missing a few days of supplements (preggo brain!) didn't really have any super adverse effects on their growth... :)
T.
We are all good mothers...
After getting pregnant and announcing it, it became very clear that pretty much everybody I talk to, has some advise and an opinion about how I should raise my babies or handle my pregnancy.I don't mind really, since they do mean well... except when they use their "I know better and I cannot possibly be wrong because its a FACT" tone of voice at which point I get SO close to loosing it...
I started to wonder why is this so. Why is it that whenever I start a topic about my choices or ask for advise about parenting or immunization or circumcision or AP or anything on how to raise your children, WW3 invariably breaks out? And as it often does, it hit me one day at around 4am...
Because children and child rearing is one of the most sensitive and controversial topics around and one in which opinions seem to bear a remarkable resemblance to a belly button... everybody has one and all are different!!
And I really don't get it!!I mean these are MY children, MY way of life, MY resources, MY opinions...WHY on earth would someone pass judgment and present me with a "fact" without considering my options at ALL?Why would you make me feel like a bad mother if I choose not to breastfeed (or don't manage to) or if I choose to vaccinate or not home school?Do I not want the BEST for my children (and since there is NO "best" rules why is your approach correct and mine isn't?)How can you assume to care more about my children than I do? You haven't even seen my children, my house, or lived a day in my shoes... how can you present your opinion as the absolute-no-doubt-about-it BEST for me and the children?
So for the record, I AM a good mother and so are you!! And THAT'S an indisputable fact!!Why?
Because we all dreamt about our babies.Because we all cried when we saw the heart beating for the first time and jumped with joy when we felt the first kick.Because we all bit our nails right to the bone when we were told there might be some problem with our baby and we felt exhilarated with joy when the problem resolved.Because we all put our babies before us and in the end the reason we ask, the reason we share experiences and the reason we look for the "best", is because we all are good mothers and our babies are lucky to have us..
Just don't use that tone of voice when you advise or share your thoughts with others.You are not God and you can most certainly be wrong or it might be that your views and advise are not suitable for any given situation... and what might work for you, might not work for me.And for Love's sake, please, don't put down other mothers or mothers to be, and make them feel bad or unsure about their choices or parenting styles...Because at the end of the day its their children and their lives and you cannot live it for them... all you can do is provide guidance... gentle and open minded guidance and that's all...
T.
I started to wonder why is this so. Why is it that whenever I start a topic about my choices or ask for advise about parenting or immunization or circumcision or AP or anything on how to raise your children, WW3 invariably breaks out? And as it often does, it hit me one day at around 4am...
Because children and child rearing is one of the most sensitive and controversial topics around and one in which opinions seem to bear a remarkable resemblance to a belly button... everybody has one and all are different!!
And I really don't get it!!I mean these are MY children, MY way of life, MY resources, MY opinions...WHY on earth would someone pass judgment and present me with a "fact" without considering my options at ALL?Why would you make me feel like a bad mother if I choose not to breastfeed (or don't manage to) or if I choose to vaccinate or not home school?Do I not want the BEST for my children (and since there is NO "best" rules why is your approach correct and mine isn't?)How can you assume to care more about my children than I do? You haven't even seen my children, my house, or lived a day in my shoes... how can you present your opinion as the absolute-no-doubt-about-it BEST for me and the children?
So for the record, I AM a good mother and so are you!! And THAT'S an indisputable fact!!Why?
Because we all dreamt about our babies.Because we all cried when we saw the heart beating for the first time and jumped with joy when we felt the first kick.Because we all bit our nails right to the bone when we were told there might be some problem with our baby and we felt exhilarated with joy when the problem resolved.Because we all put our babies before us and in the end the reason we ask, the reason we share experiences and the reason we look for the "best", is because we all are good mothers and our babies are lucky to have us..
Just don't use that tone of voice when you advise or share your thoughts with others.You are not God and you can most certainly be wrong or it might be that your views and advise are not suitable for any given situation... and what might work for you, might not work for me.And for Love's sake, please, don't put down other mothers or mothers to be, and make them feel bad or unsure about their choices or parenting styles...Because at the end of the day its their children and their lives and you cannot live it for them... all you can do is provide guidance... gentle and open minded guidance and that's all...
T.
Rollecoaster ride...
As a younger girl, before we started trying, I had often dreamt and fantasized about my pregnancy. It would be this perfect thing, totally uncomplicated (I had no idea what kind of complications there were anyway) and my husband was this devoted, loving, totally supportive "don't-move-a-muscle-honey" kind of guy, who would look at me and my growing belly adoringly and come with me to Lamazze classes and ultrasounds and to baby stores, helping me pick out the crib and stuff. And of course we would have enough money to buy the very, absolute, best!!
Of course reality has proven to be totally different than my fantasy ;)
Well my husband is very loving, caring and adoring but he won't go anywhere near Mothercare. Nor will he tell me to stay put in the couch if there is something he needs and I can get for him ;)And of course we do not have the money to spend on the most expensive baby stuff. In fact we don't have any money for baby stuff and if it wasn't for friends and caring family my babies would sleep in laundry baskets!!
But what really throws me in for a loop is this emotional rollercoaster I can't control.One moment I am ecstatic and optimistic, the next I am down at the very bottom of the pit of despair...
Plus lately I have been having dreams that disturb me.My babies never get born and if they do, they turn into animals or I loose them and can't find them, or I forget to feed them or something and I wake up in a state of panic.
The physical side of this pregnancy is also starting to get me down. I am turning into this big, immobile person, contantly in pain to the point I had a couple of thoughts that this will be my last pregnancy. The possibility of this condition I have, to become permanent, restraining me for the rest of my life while having surgery after surgery to correct the problem is scary to say the least.Yet the love I have for those little creatures inside of me is so big and so vast, I don't think it can fit inside of me anymore which is certainly the reason why I am expanding.
But really, my emotions are a rollercoaster. One minute I am as excited as a school girl on her first date and the next I am terrified of the change these babies will bring in my life.I am terrified of something happening to them. I have said it a million times already. I am terrified of things with scary names like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-E, PROM... I don't want my babies to be born early!! I want my babies to be born big and healthy at 38 weeks... and I want to be physically able to take care of them!!I don't want to argue with my mother in law and fight for my right to be the sole (with hubby) caregiver for my babies and the one who makes the decisions on how the babies are raised and how I handle them...
I want to keep them safe and sound and happy and healthy and I want to raise them to be good people.And at times I am sure I will but then again there are times I am mortified!!This pregnancy is turning out to be an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride...
And like any rollercoaster ride it might scare the heck out you or make you sick but you smile afterwards and maybe, a few years later, when you have forgotten how you threw up in front of a crowd or you were scared to death and all you remember is the exhilaration of the ride... then you might as well ride the rollercoaster again.
Of course reality has proven to be totally different than my fantasy ;)
Well my husband is very loving, caring and adoring but he won't go anywhere near Mothercare. Nor will he tell me to stay put in the couch if there is something he needs and I can get for him ;)And of course we do not have the money to spend on the most expensive baby stuff. In fact we don't have any money for baby stuff and if it wasn't for friends and caring family my babies would sleep in laundry baskets!!
But what really throws me in for a loop is this emotional rollercoaster I can't control.One moment I am ecstatic and optimistic, the next I am down at the very bottom of the pit of despair...
Plus lately I have been having dreams that disturb me.My babies never get born and if they do, they turn into animals or I loose them and can't find them, or I forget to feed them or something and I wake up in a state of panic.
The physical side of this pregnancy is also starting to get me down. I am turning into this big, immobile person, contantly in pain to the point I had a couple of thoughts that this will be my last pregnancy. The possibility of this condition I have, to become permanent, restraining me for the rest of my life while having surgery after surgery to correct the problem is scary to say the least.Yet the love I have for those little creatures inside of me is so big and so vast, I don't think it can fit inside of me anymore which is certainly the reason why I am expanding.
But really, my emotions are a rollercoaster. One minute I am as excited as a school girl on her first date and the next I am terrified of the change these babies will bring in my life.I am terrified of something happening to them. I have said it a million times already. I am terrified of things with scary names like Gestational Diabetes, Pre-E, PROM... I don't want my babies to be born early!! I want my babies to be born big and healthy at 38 weeks... and I want to be physically able to take care of them!!I don't want to argue with my mother in law and fight for my right to be the sole (with hubby) caregiver for my babies and the one who makes the decisions on how the babies are raised and how I handle them...
I want to keep them safe and sound and happy and healthy and I want to raise them to be good people.And at times I am sure I will but then again there are times I am mortified!!This pregnancy is turning out to be an emotional and physical rollercoaster ride...
And like any rollercoaster ride it might scare the heck out you or make you sick but you smile afterwards and maybe, a few years later, when you have forgotten how you threw up in front of a crowd or you were scared to death and all you remember is the exhilaration of the ride... then you might as well ride the rollercoaster again.
I Lost George
I woke up in a state of panic this morning wondering "whose babies are these?"
I went to bed at around 2am but woke up at 3.30am and again at 5am. Deciding that I was not comfortable and with the boys kicking up a storm inside of me, I left the bed (and poor George who I had almost pushed off the bed in an effort to find a comfortable spot which resulted in me lying diagonally in bed) and had an early snack as I sat in the couch, flipping through the channels and deciding there is absolutely nothing worth watching at 5am I finally dragged myself back to bed at around 7am.
This time I did get comfortable and I fell into a deep sleep...I briefly woke up at 8am to remind George that Beau was crying because he was hungry and fell back asleep.
The dream started with me being on vacation in our family's ranch in Crete.I haven't been there in 8 years but I spent the first 17 years of my life there, every summer with no exception.I was with my parents and my brothers and my best friend from school.Everybody was at their correct age but our house was by the sea instead of in the mountains.In in the dream I found myself looking through a maternity store picking out PINK clothes with my mother who was not herself, meaning she was actually interested and sweet.
After a while I found myself in a state of panic. Whose babies were these?I was SURE I had a boyfriend and he was the father of my children (girls) but who was he?? I tried to remember, I started asking my friend and my brothers but nobody could remember who was he...Plus there was a good looking stranger flirting me but because I was sure these were somebody else's babies I semi-blew him off while I went in search of my mysterious lover and father of my twin girls!
My best friend however wasted no time and I think she hooked up with him.There was me dancing by the seaside, a scorpion I saw in the bathroom and other things but as the time went by I became more and more frantic in my search and at some point I was outright crying.How could I let it happen? I would be a single mother of twins! I couldn't find the babies' father and worse yet I couldn't even remember who he was!!
I woke up crying with the question "whose babies are these?" still in my lips and I scurried off to the living room (as fast as a heavily pregnant woman can scurry off) where George, the father of my twins and husband, was at his computer, typing away.I was awash with relief and I cuddled up to him.
The time was 13.11pm when I woke.It has been the deepest and most rejuvenating sleep I had in weeks!Even if I managed to loose and forget about my husband somewhere in between!!
T.
Maybe baby
Today I got my copy of "Maybe baby", a film based on Ben Elton's book "Inconceivable" which is basically their struggle to conceive their twins (through IVF).Loved the book, hated the film... It was a rather nice film, if you hadn't read the book though. The cast was brilliant, the sets were great and the whole production was very carefully laid out. It was just like an American film (oh come on, you know you agree with me about British Productions!!!) only with a lot less nudity involved (not even a single breast!)
The couple in the book and film do not conceive while we are watching, unlike the author and his wife, as stated at the foreword, but they both end with a promise for another try and maybe... a baby.The book was brilliant and I laughed out loud many a times (though some words made me pause... who uses the word "blokey" and "Mawkish" these days!?) and I admit I reached for the dictionary twice... Apparently its been a long time since I left Scotland!The reason I didn't like the movie was that it totally missed the mark and the point of the book. The movie was about infertility yes but it didn't touch me at all. The book did...
However the film made me realize in full color what is happening here.
While I am racing through this pregnancy (week 23 already) at break neck speed, so has my counter part, George. At least in the psychological part of it.
As my bank account drained, so did his.When my phone got disconnected because I couldn't pay it, so did his.As I lay there for an ultrasound crossing fingers and toes to the point of cramping, wishing with all my might everything is alright, so does he..So he doesn't want to look at cribs, and he doesn't really care what color the nursery will be but that does not mean he doesn't care about this pregnancy and his sons...
Good thing I realized that too... Makes me a whole less mad at him and a whole lot more fair :)
T.
The couple in the book and film do not conceive while we are watching, unlike the author and his wife, as stated at the foreword, but they both end with a promise for another try and maybe... a baby.The book was brilliant and I laughed out loud many a times (though some words made me pause... who uses the word "blokey" and "Mawkish" these days!?) and I admit I reached for the dictionary twice... Apparently its been a long time since I left Scotland!The reason I didn't like the movie was that it totally missed the mark and the point of the book. The movie was about infertility yes but it didn't touch me at all. The book did...
However the film made me realize in full color what is happening here.
While I am racing through this pregnancy (week 23 already) at break neck speed, so has my counter part, George. At least in the psychological part of it.
As my bank account drained, so did his.When my phone got disconnected because I couldn't pay it, so did his.As I lay there for an ultrasound crossing fingers and toes to the point of cramping, wishing with all my might everything is alright, so does he..So he doesn't want to look at cribs, and he doesn't really care what color the nursery will be but that does not mean he doesn't care about this pregnancy and his sons...
Good thing I realized that too... Makes me a whole less mad at him and a whole lot more fair :)
T.
Sometimes I wish ...
... that my legs had little handles on them, like those on shopping bags only sturdier...
Let me explain: Imagine this. Heavy pregnant lady. With twins.... With SPD in a severe form. Sleepless for nights except catnaps. Exhausted.
Said lady tries to get comfy in bed. She carefully places her pregnancy pillow in a U-shape for her head and shoulders, being careful so that she doesn't bump her head on the head board as she sleeps. She then places a stack of pillows so she can life her pelvis off the mattress and some to go under her knees...
She sits on the side of the bed between the carefully constructed pillow-nest.She now contemplates turning and actually lying down.She half turns her body but her legs weigh a ton and no matter how much she tries she can't swing them over the mountain of pillows... She returns her body in its original position and grabs a leg with both hands and manually drapes it over the pillow mountain... She does the same for the other leg...And wishes her legs came with built-in handles... that would make the whole grabbing-lifting-draping thing a whole lot easier...
As soon as the legs are where they are supposed to be, she lays herself down and gets comfy... The whole ritual takes about 30 minutes... it doesn't matter anyway. In about 2 hours from now, she will be wide awake again.Her pelvis will not be on fire but her tailbone will most certainly be...
And that will be the end of her night-time sleep...C'est la pregnancy!! :)
Let me explain: Imagine this. Heavy pregnant lady. With twins.... With SPD in a severe form. Sleepless for nights except catnaps. Exhausted.
Said lady tries to get comfy in bed. She carefully places her pregnancy pillow in a U-shape for her head and shoulders, being careful so that she doesn't bump her head on the head board as she sleeps. She then places a stack of pillows so she can life her pelvis off the mattress and some to go under her knees...
She sits on the side of the bed between the carefully constructed pillow-nest.She now contemplates turning and actually lying down.She half turns her body but her legs weigh a ton and no matter how much she tries she can't swing them over the mountain of pillows... She returns her body in its original position and grabs a leg with both hands and manually drapes it over the pillow mountain... She does the same for the other leg...And wishes her legs came with built-in handles... that would make the whole grabbing-lifting-draping thing a whole lot easier...
As soon as the legs are where they are supposed to be, she lays herself down and gets comfy... The whole ritual takes about 30 minutes... it doesn't matter anyway. In about 2 hours from now, she will be wide awake again.Her pelvis will not be on fire but her tailbone will most certainly be...
And that will be the end of her night-time sleep...C'est la pregnancy!! :)
Friday, July 29, 2005
And another day begins...
I slept at around 2.30am and woke up two hours later because my bum had gone completely numb!! My OB had just told me not to sleep on my back but the pain of even *trying* to turn on my side, not actually forcing my body to sleep in this position, was e-x-c-r-u-c-i-a-t-i-n-g!!!
Stupid SPD! I swear, its the worst part of this pregnancy!!
Have you ever broken a bone or severely sprained a joint?
Do you remember how the pain drove you blind and made you totally nauseous?? Its one of the worst pains and I put up with it last year for about 6 months when I had the accident and busted my knee.
That's what SPD feels like only its not on a limb you can prop up or somehow not use much... Its right there, your pelvis and no matter what movement you engage in, you have to move your pelvis and until your ligament has gone Jell-O, you don't even know this is actually two pieces of bone.
So when my OB told me not to sleep on my back, I knew it was impossible.
It is the ONLY position I can even get a couple of hours of sleep. I tried turning over onto my side but it was impossible. I screamed bloody murder from the pain until stars were shooting before my very eyes.
However after an only 2 hour nap (which was supposed to be my 6-8 hour sleep at night), my tail bone started hurting like crazy. I could no longer stay in bed so I got up...
But now I could no longer sit down in the couch because... you guessed it!
My tail bone was sore from the pressure!!
So I start walking around the house. I am pretty miserable at this point. I am tired, hot, I had a long day and I have yet another long day ahead of me.
I need to clean the house because the A/C people are coming in to install a new unit and also I am getting my toe nails done because.... you guessed it!
My belly is getting in the way of me cutting my nails and the only shoe I can wear are flip flops which you can't wear unless you have pretty toes...
So here I am sleepless for silly reasons (I mean, it would be ok if a baby woke me up) hot, grumpy, ravenous and worried when George wakes up...
And here we start a fight at 6am because he gained weight (and its my fault) and his white uniform doesn't quite fit him, the shirt is not pure white (apparently he says our washing machine is not working or my choice in cleaning products is poor - however the shirt looked FINE to me plus its brand new and I only washed it once) and a ton of other things.
He is screaming at me at 6am!!
I can understand him being worried about presenting himself in an anything but perfect white uniform and he just got transferred and its his first day in the new service but geez!!
Thankfully I am getting better at handling his crises and me being pregnant and all, he can't hit me or throw something at me... not that he has done it many times, mind you, he is not an ogre!!
Eventually he left for work... and its now 6.50am and here I am, debating whether I should go out now or wait until later and of course I am not feeling my absolute best but hey, I am not complaining.
As soon as the day is done, I will get my sleep. I will even pop a couple of Panadols for the pain and hopefully sleep (upright this time) for 4 hours in the afternoon.
I am off to make me some coffee and start cleaning the house.
Good day everyone
Tina
Stupid SPD! I swear, its the worst part of this pregnancy!!
Have you ever broken a bone or severely sprained a joint?
Do you remember how the pain drove you blind and made you totally nauseous?? Its one of the worst pains and I put up with it last year for about 6 months when I had the accident and busted my knee.
That's what SPD feels like only its not on a limb you can prop up or somehow not use much... Its right there, your pelvis and no matter what movement you engage in, you have to move your pelvis and until your ligament has gone Jell-O, you don't even know this is actually two pieces of bone.
So when my OB told me not to sleep on my back, I knew it was impossible.
It is the ONLY position I can even get a couple of hours of sleep. I tried turning over onto my side but it was impossible. I screamed bloody murder from the pain until stars were shooting before my very eyes.
However after an only 2 hour nap (which was supposed to be my 6-8 hour sleep at night), my tail bone started hurting like crazy. I could no longer stay in bed so I got up...
But now I could no longer sit down in the couch because... you guessed it!
My tail bone was sore from the pressure!!
So I start walking around the house. I am pretty miserable at this point. I am tired, hot, I had a long day and I have yet another long day ahead of me.
I need to clean the house because the A/C people are coming in to install a new unit and also I am getting my toe nails done because.... you guessed it!
My belly is getting in the way of me cutting my nails and the only shoe I can wear are flip flops which you can't wear unless you have pretty toes...
So here I am sleepless for silly reasons (I mean, it would be ok if a baby woke me up) hot, grumpy, ravenous and worried when George wakes up...
And here we start a fight at 6am because he gained weight (and its my fault) and his white uniform doesn't quite fit him, the shirt is not pure white (apparently he says our washing machine is not working or my choice in cleaning products is poor - however the shirt looked FINE to me plus its brand new and I only washed it once) and a ton of other things.
He is screaming at me at 6am!!
I can understand him being worried about presenting himself in an anything but perfect white uniform and he just got transferred and its his first day in the new service but geez!!
Thankfully I am getting better at handling his crises and me being pregnant and all, he can't hit me or throw something at me... not that he has done it many times, mind you, he is not an ogre!!
Eventually he left for work... and its now 6.50am and here I am, debating whether I should go out now or wait until later and of course I am not feeling my absolute best but hey, I am not complaining.
As soon as the day is done, I will get my sleep. I will even pop a couple of Panadols for the pain and hopefully sleep (upright this time) for 4 hours in the afternoon.
I am off to make me some coffee and start cleaning the house.
Good day everyone
Tina
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Did the other shoe drop?
My best friend, Dian, told me that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, when I expressed my pregnancy fears to her. She put it perfectly!!
Dr. Luke's words that when you are carrying twins, not all news will be good news, kept circling in my head these past few weeks and I often wondered what my "bad" would be.
So when today we had our level II anatomy scan, I nearly passed out when the tech told us that there is borderline low amniotic fluid around one baby.
And I heard the virtual shoe drop with a "clonk" on the wooden floor.
Somehow I found my voice and I asked the first question that came to mind: "How are the kidneys, the blood flow to them and the abdomen?"
There was a chance the baby had some malformation or kidney problem and wasn't peeing, thus creating less fluid.
But all was well in that department.
If there is a problem, said the tech, it lies with the placenta.
It is funny how one's perception can change within seconds.
I did have my reservations about this test, like I was expecting to hear something was off.
I had posted several times over the past few days in forums, telling my friends how worried I was. Worried, instead of excited!!
Like I had a feeling something would be off...
We were told to come back for a repeat scan and the first thing I did when I got dressed, was to call my doctor and tell him. He said things were probably fine. I have an appointment with him in two days.
George was white as a sheet and really worried too plus we saw one of the babies actually cry (no sound - sound does not travel in fluid). They do cry in the womb, practising their vocal cords and all. We could see his mouth open and close and his tongue tremble. Amazing!!
George thought he heard crying but I think it was his imagination...
I love my boys so much!!! I don't want anything to happen to them!!
I will do anything, ANYTHING so they can be safe!!
As I sit here and write, they kick me and I hope that means "hey mommy, we are alright, don't worry" .. but telling a mommy not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise each day. It comes with the territory.
I started drinking more water. Its controversial if this actually offers any real benefits but at least I will give it a try. Hopefully on Wednesday we will get a diagnosis too.
Sorry I can't write more, I am exhausted!!
Please pray our little boy pulls out of this as low amniotic fluid can actually be really, really bad for him... even life threatening!!
Thank you in advance for your prayers!!
Hugs
Tina
Dr. Luke's words that when you are carrying twins, not all news will be good news, kept circling in my head these past few weeks and I often wondered what my "bad" would be.
So when today we had our level II anatomy scan, I nearly passed out when the tech told us that there is borderline low amniotic fluid around one baby.
And I heard the virtual shoe drop with a "clonk" on the wooden floor.
Somehow I found my voice and I asked the first question that came to mind: "How are the kidneys, the blood flow to them and the abdomen?"
There was a chance the baby had some malformation or kidney problem and wasn't peeing, thus creating less fluid.
But all was well in that department.
If there is a problem, said the tech, it lies with the placenta.
It is funny how one's perception can change within seconds.
I did have my reservations about this test, like I was expecting to hear something was off.
I had posted several times over the past few days in forums, telling my friends how worried I was. Worried, instead of excited!!
Like I had a feeling something would be off...
We were told to come back for a repeat scan and the first thing I did when I got dressed, was to call my doctor and tell him. He said things were probably fine. I have an appointment with him in two days.
George was white as a sheet and really worried too plus we saw one of the babies actually cry (no sound - sound does not travel in fluid). They do cry in the womb, practising their vocal cords and all. We could see his mouth open and close and his tongue tremble. Amazing!!
George thought he heard crying but I think it was his imagination...
I love my boys so much!!! I don't want anything to happen to them!!
I will do anything, ANYTHING so they can be safe!!
As I sit here and write, they kick me and I hope that means "hey mommy, we are alright, don't worry" .. but telling a mommy not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise each day. It comes with the territory.
I started drinking more water. Its controversial if this actually offers any real benefits but at least I will give it a try. Hopefully on Wednesday we will get a diagnosis too.
Sorry I can't write more, I am exhausted!!
Please pray our little boy pulls out of this as low amniotic fluid can actually be really, really bad for him... even life threatening!!
Thank you in advance for your prayers!!
Hugs
Tina
Sunday, July 24, 2005
... and then you get cold feet!
I am trying to write this as the cat is running around the appartment in a state of frenzy!
His tail is all fluffed up, his eyes open wide and he keeps bolting from one room the next like the Devil is out to get him. Pretty funny really if you consider the fact that he has already tripped over himself two or three times and has managed to knock my Nikes all the way to the hallway!!
I had a peculiar day so far. Slept late, woke up early as George got (noisily) ready to report to the base as he is on duty tonight. I couldn't get back to sleep after he'd left so I just hung around the couch, watching cartoons.
He called me a couple of hours later just as I had decided that I could use another couple of hours of sleep, to give me a "brillian" decorating idea he had... or rather "rearrange the house" idea.
You see, we have a small appartment, with two small bedrooms. The living room, kitchen and balcony are really big but the bathroom and bedrooms are just big enough to be functional, not recreational. I guess the architect who designed the building thought we would be spending most of our time in the living room which we do so as long as a bed and a bookcase fit in the other rooms, well that's all you needed. (btw, thats ALL our bedroom can accommodate, a double bed and a small bookcase)
So you see, we need to empty the second bedroom which now serves as my workroom and George's computer station, and transform it into the nursery.
But the room is packed to the ceiling we stuff and even if I say I will eliminate everything I don't really need, that leaves me with a small problem.
There are about a million things I do need in order to work and I can't stop working because I bring 60% of the family's income into the house and duh, there is no way in Hell to make ends meet without my income.
But George wasn't the least bit worried about that. All he cared about was where he is going to put his computers and router, and wireless whatsa-ya-call-it!!
So he started telling me of his wonderful plan how we will re-arrange the living room so instead of a presentable living room, it would be turned into a crowed, horrible room just so that he can fit his computers in. No mention of where my work stuff will go...
We spent an hour on the phone trying to solve this and of course George reacted in his usual manner when you gave him an objection "Fine, we'll do it your way or rather, I will throw everything out..." and mentally stumped his foot like a 5 year old.
In the end it was decided after my suggestion that the computers will go into our bedroom. The TV will have to go of course but who needs it?
Its ok, I can sleep with radiation all night, right?
So it seems I've managed to keep my living room as is which is a good thing because I had planned for that space near the window, to put the babies' swings there so I can keep an eye on them while still doing chores. If I can afford the swings that is... Because then the subject of money had to be brought up... Apparently I need to raise a few thousand dollars by October because I need to pay for the babies. No mention of what George will do to get more money. He just said "its not the right time to look for a second job right now" and left it at that. I started crying because for a second it all seemed so overwhelming! I told him that maybe he would be better off without me. I should take off and go, he can keep the house and my car and everything, I don't care. It will be better for him without me. He didn't much want the kids anyways so he won't be actually missing something, right? I will be taking a load off his shoulders.
How am I supposed to come up with a whole year's worth of salary in 2 months, still spend my allocated hours on bedrest, still do the housework and on top of paying pretty much everything including the car insurance and repairs on my car which he is driving (and he even ripped the seat fabric the other day to add to the loooong list of damages to my car!) I will need to close out a $4000 loan I had taken out when I was living alone (before getting married) AND save up about $5000-6000 so that I can pay the hospital I will be giving birth to if all goes well, in November.
All that has to be done with my job which is basically selling on eBay! The economy in Greece sucks anyway, no way I am getting a job and if I do it will be a $500 a month job. Wellfare is not available because George makes just enough to surpass the limit and we are not considered "poor" (he makes around $10,000 a year but half each month go towards our mortgage) and NOBODY will hire a heavily pregnant woman and I do mean NOBODY. And with my bedrest orders what kind of job could I possibly be doing that wouldn't endanger my babies??
Except my current job of course which can be done from home and under my rules...
After that I finally went into a fitfull sleep for another two hours when I was awaken by George's mom who thought calling at 4pm is a good idea... well its not! Its "quiet time" here and I am supposed to stay in bed 4 hours a day in addition to the 8-10 I must be sleeping at night, because I have contractions and doc wants me in bed!! And while in bed, I sleep...
Then I got to looking around the appartment realizing that a year from now and imagining how my life will change.
Its so funny when you have been trying for so long, wanting and longing for so long but when the time came, all Hell broke loose and what you knew, no longer stands.
I sometimes feel like an acrobat, trying to keep her balance on a tight rope people keep juggling.
I sometimes wish I could "freeze" time so that I could do more things and then have the babies when I was ready. But you are never ready, are you?
With the economy the way it is in Greece NOBODY has any money any more. I think the Americans would deem us poorer than their poor people and it would be true.
Its not that I, in particular didn't prepare for the babies financially. There was nothing to put aside after the month was done and the pregnancy though we tried, took us by surprise.
I mean, we did try for a baby, but success was not for sure. It hadn't happened in two years why would it work now, you know what I mean?
And besides, I reason, who tells me that next year things will be any better or the year after that? Maybe this was our last chance. Things have certainly be getting steadily worse over the years anyway...
I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of desperation. I silently prayed that God somehow made me not needing any sleep at all and not suffering any side effects when the babies came because my future did not seem anything like a rose colored commercial of baby food.
All I could think about was "how will I find the time and the energy to look after two kids and work at the same time"??
I don't want my mother in law raising my children! This is absolutely out of the question!! She didn't even raise her own kids and she is a weird, mean person sometimes.
How do I work around it? I gotta find a way. How I wish I could grow another set of arms!!
George I don't count on. He seems to be dumping everything on me and only worry about his own stuff. Its not that he doesn't love me but every time he talks to me there is an accusing tone to what he says, like he depended on me and I somehow screwed it up...
At times like these horrible, horrible thoughts cross my mind and I am sure to burn in Hell for them or worse... I keep thinking that I will run away, not for my sake but for his. I am such a burden, I keep thinking. And then the babies kick or move and I am so in love with them!!
I want to move Heaven and Earth for them, and I just can't seem to find a way out. And its all about stupid money. I swear, if I had a time machine I would go back in time and find whoever discovered the damn thing and smack him until his head spin so much, he wouldn't even remember his own name, let alone money.
Sigh... I am off to get some work done I supposed. Not easy when its 100 F in the house. We have no A/C and its a hot, hot summer... But it has to be done.
I just need to keep an eye out for contractions and if I have any, I need to get back in bed...
Wish me luck!
T.
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